The Desert

I often wonder - why the sudden bouts of dryness?

Maybe it's just the weather. when skies are sunny, emotions run high and positively ecstatic. when clouds start to gather, so worries start to cloud the heart. sunset - peace. thunderstorms - awe. drizzles - contemplation. but it cannot just be the weather.

human effort alone does nothing to get us to God. perhaps, just perhaps, trying too hard has left me drier than what I began with. the natural inclination when one faces disappointment - to reprimand oneself, to condemn oneself, such is the sharp conscience that I possess - curse or blessing, i wonder as well. it cuts deep.

but God always reminds me that he is sufficient. he is all i need. saved by grace and nothing else. all i need to do is accept what he is offering. why am i trying so hard? it's so painful.

perhaps God pulls himself a little further every time he wants us to draw nearer to him. sometimes he whispers from afar - we cannot hear him - but that's just because he wants us to draw nearer. perhaps.

nevertheless, despite the disappointment experienced today - lots of it - mentorship scheme left hanging, and (of all things) parade forecast was left at home. no qualms about defaulters, i think my conscience and all has already left me in shambles - worse than any defaulters' could ever do.

but somehow God always manages to pick me up. to confess of my sin. to come to him helpless as a child needing a father. and to be picked up by him. wow.

and he beckons to all who are thirsty to go to him and drink of the living water. and then streams of abundance will also flow out of him into the rest of the world...ahhh. help me experience that - no - help me know that Lord. experience is so transient - knowledge is what I hope for Lord :)