euthanasia

it's been mentioned countless times in TOK lessons. but of late the question has risen up in the mind again - i can't really find the reason behind it, but maybe it was simply some spur of emotion. to kill or not to kill. that is the question.

when a man lies in bed. critical condition. probably not going to make it. the possibility of living almost nil. what does one do? leave him there, to suffer his life away? or simply just deliver the final jab, that he might die in peace. the pain in one short blow, and peace to come; or longer-suffering pain. the choice. is just so difficult.

but to deliver the jab. your arm quivers. shivers. and you don't quite know how to do it. you don't want to risk it. wasn't there a 1% chance this man would survive? you pray. you wonder if it's the right thing - the ethical thing - to do. ah well. it ends with a perplexed

i don't know.

sometimes i wonder too. short term. or long term. i don't think i'm making sense. but poo. so do so many of you out there.

but it's ok (:

crashed

when you zip too fast on the highway, sometimes all you need to do is pullover. you need to pullover to that doughnut stand by the street, pick up some tasty frosted ones, and spend a moment to be refreshed in the midst of the many evergreen trees that never seem to grow tired. you on the other hand, are filled with emptiness, fatigued, and simply need a break. stop speeding, lest you come crashing into the side lane.

spending too much time on the road, stepping too hard on the gas pedal, sometimes has it's repercussions, or so you finally realize. and the great God who created the world just tells you that you need a kit-kat, and you pullover at the petrol station - though the gas prices have gone up quite a bit - and do just that. the car's a gas-guzzler. you need a refill - don't want to burnout now do we?

and you begin to wonder why you've needed this break. what has demanded that gas from you all this past week that you've just gone at full speed and missed out on the many sights and sounds of nature. ah you start to think too much, and indulge in regret and nostalgia. and you start to wonder if spending all that time was worthwhile - the visit to the zoo, the visit to that play, the visit to all the little nitty gritty of th world. when all you needed was some rest.

but the great thing is. that God's been there in the backseat of your car all along, comforting and smiling at you all the way. but now it's time - for you, and me for that matter - to pass Him the keys and let Him take the wheel.

love

if we have ministered, spread the gospel, helped others in their problems, offered a listening ear, but have not loved, then we are but a resounding gong.

it's not about putting love into the activities we do, the ministry we carry out

paradigm shift:

it's about loving the people, then ministering as a natural outpouring, sharing the message as part of the act of love and compassion (:

everyday's a special day, with opportunities of it's own. open my eyes to see Lord.

and there's still so much for me to learn. need to pray more. trying not to cross the line again (:

tears

agonize. i pray that God teach us how to agonize for those who are unsaved. how to simply cry out for them. and that morning in the lt, during REW followup for the lower sec, i remembered those little crystal orbs streaming down, sparingly, but still enough - enough to feel the pain and agony of Jesus, enough to let me know that God is real.

tears again. onion peeling makes tearing inevitable. but why do we go on peeling sometimes? it puzzles me. maybe there's some happiness in it all - and that's tears too. hope the onion got a pleasant surprise from all today - to know that onions are dearly loved....the gardener and all (: yes yes. and the many layers. one day (: haha ok. i think i'm talking nonsense again.

been reminded time and again. that tears aren't always bad. happy and sad. just like life. just part and parcel of that journey called life.

when one is loved. one just lets the tap loose. drenched in joyful tears.

when passions mount

right now. Christians all over the world are praying; news of the 23 Korean brothers and (mostly) sisters who have been taken hostage by the Taleban has spread like wildfire - across the technological realm, through messenger, sms - and now people all over the world are praying, for a powerful intervention by God. for a first time, perhaps the spiritual realm has never seemed more apparent, more bigger than our little personal spheres. and we pray, for a mighty God to intervene. last night's prayers were answered - the deadlines delayed, what next.

sometimes, in this time and age, we ask 'Where is God?'; we see the many wars, the bloodshed, the merciless killings, and in all honesty, we ask 'Where is God?' - we cannot simply say 'it's ok.' - how can the death of so many innocent lives be a flippant 'ok'. So where is God, why doesn't He seem to be in control? why all the suffering, why the torrent of tyranny and anarchy?

but here's the truth. God is in control. there are two sides to this coin. He has an appointed time for everything - an appointed time for the reign of evil, as much as an appointed time for the defeat of all the evil forces of the world. He is in control, watching, and there are reasons behind everything He determines. The whole world is in His hands.

We can't be over optimistic - over naive; yet we cannot be defeatists, we cannot simply succumb to the fear and uncertainty. here's the verse that sums it up, before Jesus leaves His disciples, He says that they will face much trouble in the world:

"But take heart, I have already overcome the world" (John 16)

what a promise. what a comfort.

and we pray on.

to make a difference

a long time has passed since time has allowed me to post on this little online (not so private) diary of mine; whether it's been the jia(1) that i've had to stuff into my head, or the BB cares and the balloons we've had to pump and twist (and pop), or simply late nights involving more headaches and reading and aefs and stuff, it has taken up time, and finally there is an avenue for some reflection. in solitude. again.

tamada, to make a difference, finally set out on friday, with our counterparts EatXL and Sparta; and i must say that though there were no radical changes, we were claiming ground, and God was going to move, we simply had to pray that He would provide the breakthrough. no shortcuts when it comes to this, just lots and lots of faith. i pray that we'll hear His voice clearly, sometimes i still doubt whether it's Him i hear, but i trust it is. Pslams 32:8 again. thanks Lord.

and balloon twisting for the old folks. i guess it was a strange day. not to mention a rainy one. but it was one full of many twists and turns as well. eventually, we left having been uplifted as much as the old folks had been cheered up by the many smiles and squeaky dog balloons. and i had my startrek balloon hat, which did not pop this time (the last time emil had to assault with a pencil)

and east coast today. was just the wind in your hair. the sun on your face. and the company of cousins and friends. simple yet pristine moments.

there's much to be thankful for. so i shall end here and smile (:

beginnings

and before we set off. i stumbled upon this little convo history in one of my rare escapades to the msn convo past. and i realised. that was how it began. haha. we've grown much, each and every one of us. and now i present the abridged version of something that conspired about a year back (it's been a year a year!) the people here are fab, kenneth and myself. go figure (:

Session Start: Monday, July 17, 2006

[10:25:07 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Tell Tim about your revival thing
[10:25:14 PM] [kae-eee-ann: blah
[10:25:15 PM] [kae-eee-ann: ZZZ
[10:25:27 PM] |||LimClaNst: and ya kenneth you could tells me
[10:25:29 PM] [kae-eee-ann: can you send him the convo history
[10:25:34 PM] [kae-eee-ann: zzzzz
[10:25:41 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Bleh you shouldn't tire of saying it
[10:25:44 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : If you're serious about it
[10:25:51 PM] [kae-eee-ann: NICE MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY AGAIN
[10:26:58 PM] [kae-eee-ann: like on sunday morning, i suddenly thought of something. mr charles ng and many other have mentioned like time and again that we're all on earth for a purpose
[10:27:05 PM] |||LimClaNst: mhm
[10:27:25 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and on sunday morning, while i was still at my friend's bdae party, i realised another side to it
[10:27:45 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God placed us where we are like the specific location for eg. in our class, for a specific purpose.
[10:27:53 PM] |||LimClaNst: mhm
[10:27:58 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and whatohwhat is that purpose? which couldnt have been accomplished anyplace else
[10:28:09 PM] [kae-eee-ann: think abt that, and correct me if im wrong
[10:28:25 PM] |||LimClaNst: incidentally i've thought bout that b4 :D
[10:28:46 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : I thought about it last year also
[10:28:54 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Exact same words as Kenneth
[10:28:20 PM] [kae-eee-ann: anyway. here's the spooky part
[10:28:24 PM] [kae-eee-ann: at night
[10:28:28 PM] [kae-eee-ann: when i went to church
[10:28:43 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God kinda spok.e to me
[10:28:44 PM] |||LimClaNst: AHHHHHH spoooooky
[10:29:02 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and what He told me, or at least what i THINK He told me
[10:29:07 PM] [kae-eee-ann: is scary
[10:29:09 PM] [kae-eee-ann: its what mr ng has always been saying
[10:29:17 PM] |||LimClaNst: scary?
[10:29:21 PM] [kae-eee-ann: but im like "ah whatever someone else is alr doing it"
[10:29:27 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God wants a revival
[10:29:33 PM] [kae-eee-ann: dadumdadum. *drum roll*
[10:29:35 PM] |||LimClaNst: yes and ?
[10:29:37 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and im like WTHH
[10:29:40 PM] [kae-eee-ann: WHY TELL ME
[10:29:43 PM] [kae-eee-ann: what can poor ol kenneth do
[10:29:46 PM] |||LimClaNst: what do you think
[10:29:50 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Good wake up calls I should think
[10:29:51 PM] [kae-eee-ann: so basically i want to ask for your helps. pray pray and ask whether He really wants us to do this
[10:29:54 PM] [kae-eee-ann: cos apparently thats the yr5's mission too
[10:29:59 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and if you get the same signal
[10:30:00 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Reminding us we are here for a purpose
[10:30:01 PM] [kae-eee-ann: HELP ME
[10:30:04 PM] |||LimClaNst: I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me
[10:30:06 PM] [kae-eee-ann: HELPHELPHELP
[10:30:14 PM] |||LimClaNst: no problem kenneth
[10:30:14 PM] [kae-eee-ann: i dont know if the revival is in our individual classes, cos i was pondering abt why he placed us there earlier in the day
[10:30:19 PM] [kae-eee-ann: or whether its in BB, which YEAH we're all on our way (hopefully)
[10:30:19 PM] |||LimClaNst: your concerns are ours
[10:30:22 PM] [kae-eee-ann: or whether its in the whole acs
[10:30:28 PM] [kae-eee-ann: in which case i'll be :-O

...

and it ended like this haha

[10:52:52 PM] [kae-eee-ann: BOBOBOBOB
[10:52:53 PM] |||LimClaNst: bye all
[10:52:56 PM] [kae-eee-ann: the builder

oh well. Lord guide us I pray.

sequel

and pooh, having handed over the honey pot, now watches on, uncertain if he had made the right decision. sure, Chris was definitely more important, than the world, than anything else in the Hundred Acre Wood; sure, it had been a sincere decision, there was no half-hearted-ness in it. he was willing, but would he be able? would his heart be able to take the piercing sight of a honey pot just within reach but not in hand?

and he wonders why now. why such an odd question by Chris. is he perhaps, worrying too much? Chris gazes into Pooh's eyes with the deepest affection, he eyes glistening, his arms stretched around the bear's shoulders. just that look from Chris, is enough to comfort him, enough to tell Pooh that perhaps it was all going to be fine. just trust him. just trust him.

maybe it wasn't all that bad. Chris did give him a lick or two now and then. a little glimmer of happiness a day. but something told him that Chris was teaching him a lesson, and sure enough, the portions each day lessened, and continued to decreased. and Pooh's dependence on the dear honey pot waned, slowly but surely.

to a point. where in the evening sunset - again the silhouettes on the hill - Chris simply passes the pot back to Pooh. Pooh's delighted, but suddenly, as he takes a scoop out of the pot, he looks at Chris, and realizes, just how much he had learned to love him more. honey had never tasted so sweet in his life, and it wasn't just the honey from the pot, but the sweet fellowship with his dear friend Chris.

in his wildest dreams. in his wildest dreams.

tooth fairy bites

oh my. it's so late. one finds oneself in a half state of slumber. but somehow work drives one to plod on. perhaps it was apt, kneeling on the pillows, inevitable sleep overcame. but restlessness ensued, and one wakes up at the strangest hour to reconcile matters with the great gardener (who i assure you is always there watering all us little seedlings in this boundless garden of many surprises); never had hope seemed so bleak. never had optimism seem so contrary. joy seem so distant. the heart seem so stolen away. maybe it's the first step, and gloomy clouds seem to gather.

but with clouds. come the rain. is that not so. and that should be a happy thing.

flashbacks of childhood.

i see Winnie the Pooh, i watch his cumbersome figure. there he sits beside Christopher, both in the light of an evening sunset, and the silhouetted figures like cut out paper shadows. He holds a large jar of honey. but then Christopher takes hold of it. just a little. tugs a little. an exchange of surprised looks. but Christopher continues to tug. Winnie holds on. tight. then Chris smiles, and asks:

"pass me the honey pooh; what if i took away all the honey you ever had..would you..still love me?"

and Winnie struggles. looks at the honey pot nestled in his arms. all he ever wanted perhaps. but now, he too sees the friend who had helped him through the thick and thin of life. Christopher. honey. Christopher. honey. he looks back and forth. and eventually loosens the grip on the pot. Chris smiles. it hurts - but Winnie smiles back.

perhaps one day. Chris would return to pooh tenfold of what had been given up that day. perhaps not. it ought not to matter. what mattered was the love shared between them..for the years to come. in the Hundred Acre Wood

running

and today the commissioning was done. somehow i had no courage to stand yet, till i knew for sure that God was with me; and i kept my eyes closed - no, no i was not going to stand for such a silly reason - it had to be for real, a true passion. and eventually, was compelled, on the brink of tears as thoughts of sacrifice came - and it did get a little wet in the end. casting lots was an equally wrenching process, and i guess, it goes to show that thy will be done (: i wonder i wonder more often than not, on the implications and reasons, but you know. He has plans higher than ours and all (: and that's good enough to know

till then. flame on.

underground operation

(before this starts to sound like some jihad terrorist organization rally message, let us clarify that it is not)

as Christians we live in an upside down kingdom, ruled by the greatest and only King of the universe, but nevertheless it is a kingdom ruled in love, and ruled by morals unheard of to the world: while one takes revenge in the world, another turns the other cheek in the upside down kingdom; while one strives to store up riches, the other forsakes all for the call;

i besiege all belonging to this upside down kingdom today - to remember your citizenship!

start to hold the fort. we're in an underground operation here. persecuted but not completely struck down; hard-pressed on all sides but not giving in; perhaps some of us have not realized the extent of the battle - that ongoing war between the principalities of light and darkness, the fighting going on on the spiritual battlefield - but it is happening, even as we walk to school, partake of the fellowship during recess - it is happening.

and get this. it appears at times, that we are fighting a losing battle. in the light of the happenings of this world, it seems that us, underground operations, will never see the light of day. Yet there is one, one comforting word, that we must all remember. the great commander, whilst He was here beside us said those few words:

"But take heart, for I have already overcome the world!"

and here we are, just occupying the land for this little moment, trying at best to bring others to follow us on the cause, to convince others of the truth of the message, to build up the Lord's army. Have we forgotten the sacrifice He made for us - that life which he gave for us to guarantee us the victory? that moment, when he passed on, and when He returned with the promise, was the moment that we knew, that the battle was already won (:

still. this is not a reason to rest on our laurels. we must continue to be filled with passion for the cause, and be creative in the methods of defence, offence; infiltration of enemy ground - for all those he has taken hostage, we need to steal them back from under His nose.

first. be convicted of the cause.
second. direct the conviction in creative means
third. pray. and rely on the strength of our Grand Commander.

yes pray. because in our base. there are a group of prayer warriors, who fight not physically but call upon the name of our Grand Commander, to cry out to Him for grace and mercy to aid us in the cause. and the best part - He is always listening, always ready to help - and His angels guard us, His army stands before us. and we have Nothing To Fear. absolutely.

so why wait. let's go out. and do this for His glory.

that the Lord may receive the reward for His grand sacrifice on the cross!!

Flame On!

learning to rest

when Mary and Martha met Jesus, Martha was busy making preparations in the house, but Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus, and simply listen to Him, to talk to Him, to learn about Him and to simply stare in amazement at him. so often we too are carried away by the many tasks of life - me included - that crowd out our minds and steal away the time that we ought to give to our Saviour. He's just right beside us, but have we given Him notice? He tells us to cast our cares upon Him. and to rest in Him

The Lord's Day, the Christian's day of rest, of the same significance that the Sabbath has to the Jews, is a day to rest. not just a rest in the fantasy world of the computer, or the rest in the comfort of a warm bed, but a holy rest. it is a sacred time for God, an appreciation of God, a time of worship and meditation on Him. time indeed is sacred, shouldn't we apportion a part of it back to the one who gave it to us?

a special day, set aside, not to a point of complete cessation of work - that would be unthinkable in today's hurried life - but to a point where we are consciously reminding ourselves to be mindful of God and sensitive to His voice. sure, everyday should be a day unto the Lord as such, but if everyday were the same, chances are we would simply forget again. the Lord's Day, Sunday, is a special day, set aside to remember God.

it too is an act of faith, when we stop work and realize that it is God who still keeps the world spinning and in motion, nothing to do with our own efforts. God upholds the world, and we trust Him to do so, but setting aside our work and going to Him (:

and that's that. rest in Him. and discover His love and power again. discover the power of His voice and word. and glorify Him in everything (:

orange peel

wrinkly on the outside, pores a plenty, and yet when you dig deep, there's some juice-filled core that's so alluring, so sweet, but at times sour, and when you remove the outer covering, there is nothing more to hold the little pieces closely together. yet when it all falls apart, i dare say that there is still a portion that remains - shall i use that word? - hidden. hidden, concealed and not able to be brought to the light, because if it were, it would hurt, like the juice in our eyes sometimes, it would be sweet, but it too has the power to hurt (perhaps much more than it would be sweet)

i don't know if people understand these silly images sometimes. i think it's sometimes just me. maybe they hold no meaning at all. just a silly part of me. just creative juices that needed to be fulfilled. no matter.

besides that. and on another note. hopefully God would use that orange peeler, and peel off our sin, our unholiness, to discover a heart that longs to see Him glorified.

ah well. CAS beckons. and i type alone, at home, whilst others sit in the computer lab in school.

editttt
and for the record:
3.141592653589793238462643383279520884197169399375108230958209 (ah thanks (: ok i'm bad at this) that's 55 digits (:

thanks to Fab for the sms. haha.yes but my sanity is much at stake now

heart, mind and soul

when one is led only by the mind - distracted by endless planning, worrying over trivialities, organization and getting structures into place - one finds that there will always be a scarce amount of energy, and our passion, or the construct of it, is easily depleted and difficult to replenish. perhaps for too long our focus has been on the themes, the frameworks, the spiritual technology, that we may have lost sight of the initial purpose of us being here in FireAC. why, a true timely reminder, that it is high time we searched and prayed to rediscover our hearts.

and in all of us, there is a heart - much like the carebears i am tempted to mention, ahhh to much (unhealthy? no rather..strange) influences - but there is a heart, and one that we need to pray that God will help us to discover and unleash. many a time, it is only when we are fully convicted, and not merely convinced of the cause, that God can really start to move through each and every one of us. on a personal note, tim has had a rather fluctuating passion, ups and downs of the sine curve of emotion, and has struggled to keep the flame alive. tim wonders, if there is indeed that true conviction in his heart, but he prays for it, tries to, though sometimes he might not feel like it.

and we need to seek enlightenment; of our purpose in this school. was FireAC merely the product of a group of people who decided to band together and be (for lack of better word) funny? or was it truly, and sincerely, a group that was called by God to glorify Him through evangelism, through love, through service to the school? Do we really feel empowered by the Holy spirit to do His work? or do we live day by day discouraged and feeling defeated, our efforts and seed-planting all in vain? high time we ask ourselves.

and we need to pray like never before. that God will instill that passion in our hearts. beyond the work, beyond the distractions, we need to look at God and say - that we want Him to be glorified! and definitely, through this, there will be infinite joy, and men will certainly be satisfied in God (:

so seek the fire. seek the heart. seek the conviction once again.

send revival. start with me.

To God be the Glory

even at the brief meeting today, for a brief moment, pride caught me off guard, but off it goes; yes i hate you pride, i hate you you part of tim that's always not focused on God, i hate you selfish nature, and i hate you sin; hmph. it's time to be purified by fire, even as we approach this term, to remember our state of depravity, and to marvel once again at God's bountiful grace. i guess it was meaningful to get to know our acjc counterparts today, though not much was really achieved. and thanks for the apples, the juggling, and the exempt from the doctors'; yes, tim also got a cap, but that's out of point.

what's important. is that this day, and the rest of our lives, God gets all the glory. every, every single bit of it (: and with that i post the song below (: God bless all.

To You be the Glory (Psalms 115)

not to us, but to You be the glory

this word glory, has been stuck in the head for the past few days - it seems increasingly that God wants us to make His glory our foremost concern, and nothing else. In whatever we do to truly mean it when we say 'to God be the glory!', to never glory-bask, to give back everything to our Father in heaven. wow. and i just pray that He'll reveal that glory to us, and I think He will lift us, and exalt us, but only that His name may be exalted - and we cannot forget that.

I think youth day was too free. and i penned yet another song, this time based on a passage from Psalms 1

Psalm 115

1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

To Him be the glory, we are all weak, and need His strength. whatever we do must be God-empowered. The lyrics below. but for the moment i shall not torment all with another song (:

Verse 1
Not to us, O Lord, Not to us
But to You be the glory
Not to us, O Lord, Not to us
But to You be the glory

Pre-Chorus
For You are worthy
Of honor and glory and praise
And we give You Lord
Endless adoration

Chorus
We want to see You
High and lifted up over all the earth
We want to see
The people turn their hearts to praise You
We want to see You
Seated on the throne of glory
Because of Your great love
We will praise You Lord

Verse 2
Blessed be the name, blessed be
The holy name of God
Blessed be the name, blessed be
The holy name of God


God Bless all (:

the fountain of youth

as we emerge from the little prickly shrubs, we shrug off the branches that attempt to catch onto our khaki colored shirts and pull us back from the destination; there in the distance, where fluffy clouds hover over, where a light drizzle finds sweet fellowship with thin rays of sunshine, lies our destination, it is a marvelously intricate piece of artwork, every curve designed with mastery, and it stands out in grand finesse among the patchy grass, a marble figure, glistening in the light - the fountain of youth.

of course we approach it slowly, suppressing the inner excitement that so bubbles from within, there is apprehension - could this be the legend fulfilled, was it all a hoax a myth? - but there ahead, it was cast in stone, more real than ever, and the treasure of youth leaped in streams of water from one end to another. it was for real. and we continue the approach, taking wary steps as we go.

finally, excitement boils over, and we both lunge forward for the coveted prize - that of eternal youth - and what a better day to find it.

had we not promised to go in together? why now were we tugging at each other's shirts, competing for the fountain? had desire blinded us, our eyes focused on the rushing water, forgetting the other who yearned the same. with a grand leap, you managed to make it there first, and i was left clutching at the air.

but suddenly we realize, the foolery of it all. what was eternal youth? what was peter pan's dream. even as you drank and i watched in envy. we realized that the gift of eternal life had already been given, freely, by the sacrifice of a lamb - the sacrifice of this man Jesus Christ.

Celebrate youth today. i'm going to miss the joys and the sadness, the fun and the trials. but don't forget to remember the Creator, all the days of your youth (:

(looking back at this post, i don't think it really made much sense, but i was simply trying to exercise some brain muscle, or maybe just escaping from the work that so demands my attention. ah that's me again.)