Learning Loneliness

when God wants you to learn to delight in Him wholly and wholeheartedly -
when He wants you to know that He loves you more than anyone else -

Jesus is all the world to me - can we truly say this?
Better is one day in your courts - than a thousand elsewhere?

and He showed me what it was like to feel alone. it was painful.
and He showed me what it was like to be with Him only. i think it it was meant to be joyful.
but why couldn't I spend it well with Him.
why so dependent on people.

shouldn't let worldly things sway our emotions
joy is certain - it is deep - and shan't be easily taken away
surely the Lord will keep me joyful.

as we shot each other today. the fray along the corridor.
the 3 kg guns running circuits in the IB block.
friends are so important ya?
but i know we should all place God above all.
He is after all - our best friend. but this is so hard to say.

at least we're back on track for spiritual blueprint.
no time for complacency though.
keep praying keep watch
the Lord will reveal Himself soon.

O the joys when we wrapped our arms around each other
Together we will work until He comes again
but did that joy come from Him. or from fellowship.
I sure hope the former. aye. i need to depend more on Him
As long as there is love - we will stand

Econs tuition. Fish porridge at Bukit Timah ended the day.
and then i walked home alone again.
but at least there wasn't emptiness this time
at least there was God
and with Him there was joy.
lingering sadness - go away!
the Lord is my song and salvation!

(: Amen.

The fellowship of Koinonia

Koinonia means fellowship - an anglicisation of a Greek word for partnership - frequently used in the New testament of the bible - ah that dear community of Christians coming together.

here's to all who came and participated in this fellowship (:

God:
yes surely He was there! everything went smoothly, quite without a hitch. thanks for your faithful dear Father, your grace is enough (:

XL:
Lots of stress to begin with. but we pulled through with His divine guidance. haha. keep on going! and keep smiling - you're too sad too often ya? hey. your guitar playing is good ok? i taught u...so it better be haha :P

YangJian:
Delightful voice, must sing more ya? share your gift with all of us haha! Rufus! thanks for being there to organize us and bear with our indecisiveness. thanks for bearing with our cacophony whilst restraining from the mike.

Wes:
Can never forget that rift now. heh. astounding me always. always a step ahead of me in terms of any instrument ): haha. keep sweeping me off my feet then. i never thought electric guitar sound so good (:

Asher:
The heartbeat of the band. kept your rhythm right. kept us on the steady path. and simply caused half-deafness at times. yes. keep mastering the rubik's!

Tess:
Jia you girl! haha. haven't played with a bassist in a long time - and wow - now my church band seems so empty without the low notes haha. ok. next time we'll split the heavy stuff so you get a chance too (: thanks for the piano too (:

Emil:
My fellow pianist. yes you have improved a lot! haha contrary to what most people would like to say. keep having a heart for God!

John:
Violinist extraordinaire! passionate strings that highlighted every song (: here's a pat on the back for you. first time in a worship band? not the last - surely

Daniel:
Maybe we terrorised tess a bit too much. but haha thanks for being there, a helping hand, a helping heart, and a wonderful voice as well (:

Fab(by Wabby):
Thanks for coming down (: and showing me how low my voice register is compared to yours haha. let's keep growing this friendship...and next time, you play piano haha.

Merv:
Hey bro! (in your words). haha solo on the last song. keep singing for Christ. and hope we grow closer as classmates (:

Audrey:
haha. God-blessed testimony! and yes, your harmony is getting better and better. reach the high notes next time ok? haha

Mink:
we used your powerpoint in the end! yay! yes, your skill in powerpoint clicking has been mastered! every stroke, every movement of the finger must be graceful and precise!

Benedict:
a lovely powerpoint clicker is not without her assistant! hey, you can go play the piano next time ok? and i'm no better than you (: haha.

Amanda:
hmmm. sorry i didn't know you were singing. but hey. you did. and it was enjoyable wasn't it? haha, thanks for swinging around madly with the mad group of us at the end (:

Kenneth:
who fondly sent his sms and said that he was there in spirit with us! ok in prayer as well! haha we'll never forget you - mr cult leader!

YuanHao:
hmmm. not sure if i spelled your name correctly. ): but yes. thanks for being our very first FireAC photographer!

Wing:
MR boy! go read your bible k? haha thanks for being a source of happiness every day (:

Jon Pang:
You who rushed down after frisbee just to give your testimony. May God truly honor you (:

Alex:
haha. dropped by at the last moment. but yes. you were there. and thanks for being there i guess (: you're always such a brother to me

Ding/Mich:
thanks for dropping by after all the busy choir/frisbee sessions. haha it was a gesture of love that we will never forget. may God hold us together in unity and love!

(silence) --- (did i forget anyone?)

I guess everything went smoothly in the end
but as always, when the dust did settle
a lonely night followed me home
and an empty Friday to come
learning loneliness -
perhaps that's
God's way
now.

i'm sorry, the emotions are too hard to control - again.

Piano in the Rain

like the 'candle in the wind' we so often sing of - i decided to come up with the 'piano in the rain'

when the pitter-patter of the raindrops grace our windowpanes, they come in varying degrees, sometimes a gentle splash or two, other times a fierce torrent of bombardment - either way, emotions ensue. and the murmur of imminent thunderstorms pave the way for a new composition on the piano. composing in the rain is a true past time, an unforgettable one. minor keys, how melancholic, always fit the rain best. (:

one might wonder how another can possibly love the rain - how bleak, how depressing, how hopelessly emo - but beyond that, there's an element of the rain that just beckons us to quiet reflection, with every teardrop that descends from the heavens, we suddenly become aware again of our maker in heaven. as as every raindrop seeps into our soul, there's a pleasant sense of rejuvenation.

then again - one shouldn't allow emotions to be intertwined with the weather too often. i do need to exercise control, especially when it comes to this human thing we call 'feelings'. pray more that the emotions would be founded on a relationship with God - all joy to be from Him and nowhere else - emotions independent of the weather, independent of circumstances. how difficult.

then again - God reminded me it's ok to be happy - as long as we sing His praises (: so let's keep singing!

Koinonia tomorrow, God, prepare our hearts and do a great work! haha practice today was messy, but memorable and most enjoyable. thank You papa!

a world without aeroplanes

some time ago i penned this short composition. it was valentine's day if i may recall correctly, and i struggled to complete for the Commonwealth competition that i obliged to join (against my will though). nevertheless, what came out was quite magical (relatively at least) - i rarely write like that - usually so sparse of ideas. a world without aeroplanes. enjoy (:
(P.S i loved the part on Faith, Hope and Love - haha)

---

Men love to dream, years ago we dreamt of flight. Gripped by the fascinating creatures of the air, tantalized by endless horizons, we sought to conquer what we could not, we sought to take to the sky, to sprout wings and take flight……

…….and, against all odds, we did.

1903, the Wright Brothers saw the culmination of their efforts, the realization of a life-long dream and the justification of all the criticism they had received – the first successful, powered, and piloted flight in history – they had finally done it right. It had been a mere twelve seconds, but with every second The Flyer hung in the air there was an increasing knowledge that the skies had been opened – pried open by the stubborn effort of human hands.

It was not merely the dream of two common men from rustic America; it was the dream of the entire human race; and in that single moment the whole architecture of the world was altered; men unlocked a new dimension, the dimension of flight. Over time, the world was further flattened, traveling times were cut – where we once spoke in months we now spoke in hours – and the pace of life quickened. The birth of the airplane, that cursed miracle, was responsible for this epic change in lifestyle.

Indeed it was a cursed miracle, for with the holidays to hitherto unreachable destinations, the rich cultural exchange made possible, and with the accelerated economic growth that resulted came the new medium of terror – who could forget that fateful day – and an unconscious degradation of our precious environment – surely one cannot remain indifferent to the pollution that our winged beasts have caused –

And Mother Nature, for all her maternal kindness, finally found a way to get even.

------------------

I decided that day, quite contrary to my usual self, to take myself on an early morning stroll. After all, it was always good to spend some time alone, quietly reflecting on the finer things in life. School had taken its toll on me, sapped me of the (supposed) vibrancy of youth – I was but an empty shell now, a victim of that merciless fast-paced society. Dragging myself out of bed, I plunked myself face-first onto the parquet floor –that cooling sensation one feels against his tummy – was tempted to remain a little long, but with much (strange) determination, uprooted myself and headed out of the room.

Outside, the pile of overdue worksheets yelled out at me, post-it notes spoke in accented phrases – you know, in that nagging manner that cannot be easily shrugged off – I tried to shut out the cacophonic noise, to cast it aside, but the only way out was through the front door; that was what morning walks were for anyway, recuperation, much needed recuperation.

Leaving behind the myriad of many competing voices, I proceeded to a quiet spot not too far away from home, a little pathway beside the Changi airport runway. Changi, my dear hometown since I came into being – here I was like a bird in the air, knowing every nook and cranny of the neighborhood like the back of my hand, every coffee shop, every hawker centre (O the best seafood one could find in Singapore!) – located on the east end of the island, built upon reclaimed land, and home to one of the leading airports in the world.

A short while later I found myself arriving at that narrow path; and an air of nostalgia immediately took me by surprise. How long had it been since I last felt this way?

My parents had taken me here when I was just a little child, and as I child I used to gape wide-eyed at the airplanes as they accelerated down the runway, which ran parallel to the path and was separated from the path only by a wire fence; and eventually, with a titanic roar, the airplanes ascended and vanished into the clouds above. I would crane my neck as much as possible, just to catch a last glimpse of the airplane’s tail glimmering in the sunshine, just to keep my sights on the plane for the longest time possible.

That was innocence, that was awe, but it was all part of the past now.

Or perhaps it was still worth a try now, maybe the world could change overnight.
I closed my eyes, and listened in anticipation, waiting for the roar of the plane engines.

Silence; a long silence; a long and painful silence.

------------------

It had been a month since the airplanes disappeared from the runway. Caged up in their hangars, they now had no freedom to fly, no song to sing, they simply lay dead. What had once been a busy and crowded runway was now a deserted stretch of concrete. A month ago it took me by surprise; I thought perhaps it was temporary, just a momentary precaution against the heightened terrorist activity of that period; but no, it was something else, something of greater weight – a lack of petroleum and a dying environment.

Yes, Mother Nature had grown tired of being exploited and neglected. Countless of times she protested, threatening with global warming and bizarre climatic changes, most of the time giving in to men’s stubborn ways. But eventually, even she could put up with it no longer, and men finally had to give in. Men could conquer many things, but men were at the mercy of Mother Nature. Faced with the lack of fuel, the entire international air industry went on a standstill, and Changi airport was no exception.

Right now I could only look on as some birds descended upon the runway, emboldened by the silence, cocking their heads rhythmically as they trod, pacing laterally along the pathway, looking as though they were trying to recover something that had been lost. Turning to face me, our eyes met through the wired fence; Blank stares, and suddenly they took off into the air, leaving as swiftly as they had arrived.

Emptiness again, and emptiness always led to thought…

------------------

Dad had first brought me here when I was a little child, we would place our hands upon the wire fence, gripping the fence tightly as we watched the airplanes fly by. It was a marvelous sight, or so Mum always told me, father and child side by side, simply watching on as the world passed by. I treasured up those timeless moments, gripped them as tightly as I gripped the wire fence, but ultimately, life had to go on. Dad too had to move on.

Eventually, Dad secured a job as a traveling businessman, with decent pay and all, but it came at a priceless sacrifice. Many times he would be away on business trips, abroad in some cosmopolitan city, visiting us occasionally, but departing again as soon as he returned. The airplane gazing sessions never returned – it was just me now, alone, on this side of the fence, watching Dad on the other side as the airplanes carried him away. And the separation grew greater as the years went by.

But suddenly, one day, he finally returned for good; that was the same day I read the news, the same day the air industry went on standstill. Dad returned with a forlorn look on his face, paced along the living room corridor, fast in thought. He spoke not, simply gave me a passing gaze and moved on to his bedroom, where he locked himself away from the world. A great and unsettling gulf hung across his bedroom door. Mum and I could do nothing about it. We simply adjourned to the living room and started praying frantically; perhaps Faith could fix a broken man.

It was a trying period, and often I had wished that the airplanes could return, that Dad could be happy once again – even if it meant more separation. But perhaps, just perhaps, I considered one day, there was a greater purpose in all this. After all, the world without airplanes was one where Dad could finally be back by our side, where our family could at last be reunited; but much had to be done to complete the reunification; Somebody had to break the ice, and one day, having mustered enough courage, I tried to do so.

“Dad, why not we go for a walk?”

“……”

“You know, like old times, the plane-gazing, the little path…”

“……”

“Dad?”

“…there are no planes, son.”

------------------

Men love to dream, years ago we dreamt of flight – but now I only dreamed for our relationship with Dad to recover, that it could take flight once again. In a life-changing moment, the airplanes had disappeared, but in that same moment Mother Nature had graciously granted me a window of opportunity, a blessing in disguise, and I tried, with much effort, to seize it.

There was still Hope, definitely; I managed a smile while still firmly gripping the wire fence, a ray of morning sunshine kissed my cheeks as the sun slowly emerged from its celestial bedroom somewhere beyond the clouds. The serene beauty of the morning sunrise was simply stunning, a delightful array of red and yellow paints swirled before my eyes, never before had I witnessed such a sight; or perhaps, it had always been there, but I had simply left it unnoticed.

And why had I only noticed when the airplanes had disappeared?

Time paused as I continued to stand in awe of the morning skyline, the empty runway now offering a completely unhindered view of its splendor – there they were, the timeless moments of before, finally returning like a rushing wind – except this time, there were no airplanes, no roar of the engines to speak of, there was simply silence, unbroken silence.

And at that moment, I suddenly turned to run; a wave of emotion overcame me as I sprinted toward home. I had to share it, I had to share it with Dad, and I had to let him know of this blessing in disguise. I had been filled, my cup overflowed, and now I simply had to fill someone else in return – Dad needed to be filled. And as I entered through the front door, I rushed straight to his bedroom, unbothered by the trivial ruckus of homework and post-it notes, and knocked passionately on his door.

It was unlocked.

Dad sat gazing out of the window, already looking at the splendid morning sky, his back toward me. But having felt my presence in the room, he finally turned to face me –

- And he smiled.

cornflake cookies

i brought nine today. if i remembered correctly. dropped the return letter to dearest fab, proceeded to FireAC - the cornflake cookies packaged in a little plastic bag. haha bag of happiness. ok I shan't carried away at this point - but it just felt so important that we share what God has given us so graciously. and today was quite a happy day. for many reasons (yes contrary to what xl thinks)

first. so many people cheered up. usually depressed, eve was exceptionally jumpy today - yes i'd rather a chatterbox on the verge of annoying then a muted evelyn. Xunliang was resolute in his decision for the greater happiness!

second. cookies were given out and people were happified.

third. God reminded me of His great love for every individual, so much so that (yes this is true) He esteemed us as higher then himself - what an honor to know him as our Father.

fourth. John Tay gave me a hug - that was a long time since (: MK gave me a blueberry muffin and cookie (: (yes i got back what i gave haha)

and we must keep praying for the unsaved. please do. please do.

watch and pray. always.

Repentance

They say that sin is anything that gets in the way of our relationship with God. Sin is anything that puts God anywhere other than first in our lives. BB today was a solemn event, slow-march aside, dialect lessons aside, it ended on a silent, solemn note - everyone who left the language room that afternoon were stunned with a sense of speechlessness. i for one left absolutely lost for words, and some nagging feeling tugged at my heart.

perhaps it was a sense of sadness - God's sadness - for those who had gone astray. but i always remember that when we return, he runs to us first - God watches from the distance, and His everlasting arms will come ever so close to scoop us up! i thought i had repented lots, and truly, by His grace I have been very much forgiven, very much sanctified - and i guess many would say that tim is so saintly and godly and perfect.

but it's not true. i'm just as weak as all of u. just the same. for all the CE NCO roles that I have been through, for all the worship sessions that I have led, i'm just as weak - if not weaker. all you guys have seen in me so far, is simply God's grace and mercy. nothing more. I'm nothing without Him. absolutely.

and today I found another part of me that had to be dealt with. and i kinda broke over it. was better for a moment i guess. till i realised that it was difficult to let go completely. then of course i got my mum mad over some dinner issue. and again i started to slump into that swamp of depression. aiyoh. the emotional ups and downs are unbearable. i need a firm foundation again. Jesus.

then again. not just me. all of us do

Your Grace is Enough

as we strummed, plucked, held the notes, and clashed the cymbals today - something struck me about the greatness of God's grace and love. Koinonia - fellowship - with God and men. Maybe it's time to share the testimony, the story of grace that God has given me. Maybe it's time. soon. If it helps to transform lives. God use me please.

and as we ended. i remembered walking back home alone; and a sense of loneliness just overcame me. but God was there. walking right beside. just that i think i shut Him aside. how foolish. as the music faded. there was emptiness. i wasn't sure why. maybe. maybe it's just me. i thought it was over.

and somehow. i know i must be complete in Him. and in Him only. no one else. His grace is enough - yet why do i still long for earthly things.

yes we are aliens. pilgrims. in this strange land. we are not of this world. here we tarry, here we wait, till our rightful owner returns to bring us to our real home.

why then do we seek for earthly things? why then.

His grace is enough. help me understand Lord.

edit ----

well. looking back. i guess it was a memorable debut as a inaugural BBcumFireAC band, and i hope we will glorify God with all the gifts that He has blessed us with. as usual, i tried to hide behind the rest of the instruments - ahhhh too used to solo-ing, but thanks for bearing with me, especially Emil haha - but to no avail i guess. Wes and Ash were just crazy. and I finally played with a bass and electric for the first time in a long while (: thanks for everything God. thanks for everything guys. (:

and i remembered staring into the eyes of Mr Brian Chirnside, he looked rather disappointed - yes our testimony people pulled out at the last moment ):, but it's ok, we'll pray for conviction - it was a little scary actually, he told me how sharing shouldn't be impromptu and all, and a feeling and all (yes maybe here i started to take offense - aye i shouldn't). but yes. it's true, we really need to prepare our hearts in advance.

i'm wondering though. who's to share. my testimony Lord? but i don't know. maybe it'll stumble instead of edify. but nevertheless a story of grace. (:

three out of four songs had the word grace today.

the story of grace. (:

Praise You in This Storm :)

It's been a long time since the last post - as usual the lack of time I have becomes apparent - it's been a struggle to balance school life, friendships and God, but I do thank my Father that He has been there all the way. and life has been so full of happiness recently - I was so afraid I would forget Him.

what happiness. you might ask? plenty. He has blessed plentifully.

Memories from Ubin still tussling about my mind. Recalling the night before, people reiterating the need for a back-up plan, people questioning the protocol if it rained - and I too was slightly worried for the skies seemed primed to darken - but God provided, and it never did rain - not till we were all safely on that bus back to school. And me worrying a few days back that Saturday was coming - yes Saturdays were the climax of depression - but God did a miracle, and Saturday became the pinnacle of joy instead. (:

Somehow the role of PSM fell upon me - fortunately it wasn't a formal parade. but despite less-than-adequate preparation and the prospect of a dry ration lunch - yes the preparations for this was immense, we had peanut butter, oreos, curry puffs (sorry Eryn), you name it - it all turned out to be a fabulous time.

Or course. we had our fair share of casualties. Whilst leading the pack I had the most number of falls (haha the irony - having taught the rest how to use the brakes); MK was severely wounded by the evil mozzies, Alex's bike became twisted. haha, but bad thingies aside. Kenneth learned the ways of biking in a matter of minutes, we had a fantabulous seafood lunch, and Wesley didn't throw up on the bumboat, I won the bike race (haha); and yes, we didn't get lost.

forgive me. I never remember the details. and even if i do, i never have the patience nor the time to type it all out - haha Fab...this is for you to fill in the gaps! - but yes. just thank God. He was there. surely.

---

Returning to the Scout's den (yes we found refuge in rather unexpected places), a sense of sadness did sweep across my heart. I was unsure why. maybe it was God's sadness. But somehow there was a strong need for repentance, and a strong need for us to seek Him.

And 2 a.m. Sunday morn. I awoke to a feeling of fear and uneasiness. The rash that had broke out on my back started to itch - and I went to pray - instinctively. that was when God said - Keep watch that you may not fall into temptation. Keep watch, I may return at anytime. Keep watch for the time is near. The call was so strong. we had to start keeping watch.

the next few days were painfully silent. I recalled falling asleep during QT. and when i managed to kept awake the feeling was odd - it was as if God was sitting in front of me, back faced away, He knew I was there, but just didn't want to give me the hug I so needed. It felt so dry, and I felt so alone. And I searched my heart for something that could have gone amiss. but (in all humility now) I found nothing I could have done wrong.

Unless it was happiness that caused me to gone astray. and like the cat with a tail named 'happiness', perhaps I had reveled and chased happiness too much and had gone in circles. and all i had to do was continue to walk straight, and happiness, like the tail, would follow. but maybe I had put happiness in front of God. or maybe I had put other people in front of Him. God was teaching something. I repented.

Fasting during recess. memories of that fast at the start of the year. the balcony was revisited, and there we mourned again for the presence of our Savior, to return to return. And He spoke of holiness, spoke of the way He had made for us to enter His holy presence (through Jesus), but spoke also of our unwillingness to enter. why?

And today. he spoke again. thank God (:. and He brought to mind 'What a friend we have in Jesus', reminded me that not one of His sheep would ever be plucked from His hand. and that He will bring all his sheep back to him, no matter what. What blessed assurance! John 10:14-30, in case you guys are wondering.

REW followup - people were touched. hopefully. your call now God.
Koinonia - an imminent excitement. come come Lord. come and stir the hearts of men

---

flashback Saturday once again. kenneth, tess and i went to support the OMers; we half-expected a first placing for our dear friends (Jlow, Dan, Jin, Cao, Cherums, Chups), waited in anticipation with a jar of peanut butter to celebrate - but disappointment ensued - and they clinched the silver medal. I recalled that look of dismay, of confusion and lostness, and I could only stand beside them and provide a pat on the back, and the assurance that God was still faithful.

Celebrating disappointment - somehow I expect a similar situation to arise soon when council members are announced - but disappointment is something that should be dealt with by celebration, and thanksgiving to our Father. no matter what the result. there must have been some purpose. definitely some purpose. maybe they were meant to go on OEP after all (:

always always seek God.
always always thank God.
always always love God.
always always love each other

haha. it's so simple (:

What Can I Do

What Can I Do
Paul Baloche and Graham Kendrick

When I see the beauty of a sunset's glory,
amazing artistry across the evening sky
When I feel the mystery of a distant galaxy
It awes and humbles me to be loved
by a God so high

Chorus:
What can I do but thank You,
what can I do but give my life to You
Hallelujah, hallelujah
What can I do but praise You,
everyday make everything I do a hallelujah
A hallelujah, hallelujah

Verse 2:
When I hear the story of a God of mercy
Who shared humanity and suffered by our side
Of the cross they nailed You to, that could not hold You
Now You're making all things new by the power of Your risen life

---

and like XL says - I've been a happy person. Happiness is circumstantial. Joy is unconditional. and I guess that to be joyful and happy now at the same time - is really a blessing from God. Sometimes we're so blessed without even knowing it - and Darryl told me today - we just aren't grateful enough sometimes. Ahhh. thanks God. alamak. i forget to thank you all the time.

keep me grateful Lord. You have been so good. really. ahhh. I won't blog about it extendedly (not necessary to explode the issue...) - but I hope that God will use this wonderful testimony in the future. on the side note. so many people have to cheer up. and look beyond the weeds of this world. don't be choked. and be encouraged by God's love.

Set your minds on things above. (: Live for Him. May our hearts never be silent. always declaring His Praise!

Planning for Koinonia today. Kuay Teow in Language Rooms. P.E and soccer for the first time in many many weeks. Preparation for Ubin. It's the small things in life. we thank God for all the time. ahhh.... (:

You've Got Mail

the letter arrived - at its final destination - floated its way down, i did let it go, finally, because i could not hold on to it forever. thank God though, that the message was delivered well (:

i will always sing your praise O God. through the good times and bad. Psalms has been such a great encouragement to me - the word of God truly is alive today! (: yes. thanks for friends as well, and thanks for seeing us through. now it's a different challenge i guess. but at least the wounds are being healed. slowly. no doubt, God has been glorified, and we have all been drawn closer to Him (:

(yes tim is currently 'over the moon' - as kenneth would so fondly put - please do keep him in check haha)

and that is all. just thank you. really thank you. and thanks a million.

(aiyoh. so many fluctuations in mood. one moment happy. one moment sad. emotions changing like a thunderhead...aiyoh haha.)

and to all who are struggling with some sort of emotion/problem/homework(haha):

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalms 27:14

Catharsis

(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/catharsis)
ca·thar·sis (k-thärss)

n. pl. ca·thar·ses (-sz)

1. Medicine Purgation, especially for the digestive system.

2. A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.

3. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

4. Psychology

a. A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.

b. The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.


I'm quite overwhelmed with peace now. not sure if it will last. but it is an assuring peace, and i do hope you would feel it too. (:

I wrote a letter today. and in that letter purged all that I ever wanted to say but was unable to. recalling the stories of people who wrote and wrote and then crushed their papers to deal with overwhelming emotions - i did that today, at a little bench somewhere near my math lesson. i didn't crush the paper though, perhaps it was too precious to be crushed, and perhaps it would find its way to its final destination soon. soon. as soon as you're ready God. (:

thanks Lord. for bringing me through so far. it's been a long ride. really. and i'm not sure where it's going to end, and how it's going to end - but at least i know i have you, and i have those whom you have given me to love - and that truly truly is enough.

and for those of you out there, struggling with problems and emotions, do consider this catharsis, this purge, and let it all out somewhere. it feels much better. and don't forget - that at the very end, it's God you must find comfort in.

Jia He got a bible today. Praise the Lord! John Wong's getting closer to picking up that key and unlocking the bolted lock (Kenneth imagery here). Hallelujah!

and of course. the letter's getting closer to its destination. (:

Easter!

Bunnies. colored eggs. I had a glass of wine - i think i'm getting drunk.

the tomb is empty!
the stone is rolled away!
none shall separate us from the love of Christ!
Jesus is Alive!
We celebrate his victory!
and our hope is assured!

haha - to all who are feeling down - don't! try this discipline of celebration, and think of five things to be thankful for. once you've reached five, you'll feel much much better (: and you better reach five - start by thanking God for the day He has given you (:

smile all (: too much sadness. forgive me for the previous post. i do have these intermittent waves of sadness that intensify on particular days (:

I Don't Know Already

I'm sorry Lord. I really am. Sorry for everything I've felt. Everything I'm feeling. Sorry for trying to rely on myself. Sorry for not having enough faith. Sorry for feeling defeated. Sorry for confusion. Sorry for being sorry for myself. Sorry for everything.

And especially sorry that I've been so hopelessly distracted - I wish I could be an effective tool for you - I pray that you can work through me to bless and give hope - I pray you can use me as an intercessor for those who have not found you - I pray that you can always fill me with joy that I may fill others with joy as well. But how long shall I put up this strong front - tim is definitely not at his best. ):

Why Lord?

To seek you? to surrender to you? to know you better? to love unconditionally?

Why. cry.

Secret Book

I think I lost me somewhere. I think I lost my secret book somewhere - it's beige yellow with a 'Wisma Atria' on the cover page - some woman with a shopping bag. if anyone has seen it, please - you know what to do. aye. all that spiritual blueprint convictions are written within, and in a moment, i lost it all. i pray God keeps those convictions within my heart. anyway a passage to share from Hebrews:

19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Good Friday - have we ever spent a moment reflecting on the significance of this very day?

Jesus - the incarnate son of God. when God became man He showed us that He was a God who was and still is most personal, choosing to humble himself, lower himself to our position and identify with the plight of man. As such, it is no longer a theoretical knowledge that God has of the plight of man, but an actual experience. and if the cross was the epitome of all suffering, then indeed God has experienced the suffering of being human. it is no longer sympathy, but empathy. such is the God who we have a relationship with - one who understands every struggle perfectly.

the hands that flung the stars into space, have given themselves up to be nailed to the cross.

O what a wonder that God should be crucified for our sins. what meekness and majesty. the King, crucified. the only God in the world - the true God indeed - who is identified with suffering. and as it were, on that very day at Golgotha, all the forces of darkness and evil gathered against him, and tormented him, inflicting all hell upon him. and it seem he were defeated - and he let out that cry - why have thou forsaken me? that was the pain he went through - nothing is more excruciating then being separated from the Father.

a God who can identify with suffering - but what good is that? what good is it if He cannot offer a way out, but can only comfort us in our times of suffering. but here lies the difference - our God is an Awesome God, Mighty to Save. and when all the forces of evil battled him that day - our Lord defeated them all at that very showdown!

but suffering still exists. struggles still abound. but they have lost their power. where is thy sting O death?

thank God this day for his bountiful love and mercy. it really is Good Friday. look forward to celebrating his victory on Easter!

...

(and I shall end off with a rather important help section, at this dire time of great need. yes thank God for all the experience gathered...haha)

-=HOW NOT TO 'EMO'=-
1) Talk to your Father above - this is miracle cure number 1! (:
2) Friends are a great support from God. haha and they are just a ring away! (of course calling too many times could be detrimental for their studies)
3) Drown yourself in homework (works for me - but it could just make it worse for most ppl haha)
4) Don't look at the rain whilst leaning on the metal bars outside our classrooms (but i like doing that...)
5) Just keep smiling. and keep praising God. surrender everything to Him.

Cold Turkey

never in my life have i celebrated that festival called Thanksgiving- and so I have never really eaten turkey as it was meant to be eaten - but now and then the chance comes along, and i have a little bite of that plump bird. it tastes like chicken (like almost every other bird perhaps), i little tougher, less tender and harder to chew - but nevertheless edible and chicken-like. cold turkey is simply turkey that is cold.

any food that is cold is hardly worth eating - that is except ice-cream. which is quite out of point now. but cold turkey is yucky. but sometimes you have to eat it. and it hurts your tummy. but it's for the greater good. hopefully.

a long week of school. ups and downs (ah...No Other City indeed, English IA beckons) like a sine curve/cosine curve (trigo i'm coming soon!). it's been tough. but I thank God for leading me through the light and the darkness.

REW was rather meaningful, an empowerment of the Christians in the school more than anything. and something stirred within me as I realized that God was moving the hearts of all in that school - people sang their hearts out - hearts were turning to Him. and suddenly all around me there were so many Christians (FireAC or not) starting to witness to their non-Christian friends (most notably the class of 5.14!). and I found myself in the level 6+ emo spot recently, talking to this Indian contractor by the name of Kasinathan - and finally found a home for the Gideon's bible at hand (:

yes keep drawing near to Him my dear friends. and keep interceding for those who have not known Him yet. keep up the good work you have started - and one day the Lord of the Harvest will bless and bless - the doors of heaven opened and our barns will be insufficient!

Koinonia - pray hard - pray for His work. haiz.

and please - warm up my turkey soon?

Rocks in the Pond

It's been a last time since I've last posted - The Thin Red Line sitting completed, crowning the pile of homework that has accumulated on my side shelf - and I remembered commenting on the swiftness with which the explosion came - the physical shock that came ever so suddenly - instantaneously, like stepping over a thin red line.

somehow. the last few days have been a step over that thin red line. and things have changed. lots. more than i could have ever ever imagined. shock? perhaps.

still I always fondly recall that God is by our side, and that He is now and forever, a timeless rock who does not change. the great unchangeable I AM - that one we can cling on to in our storms of life. We have an anchor that keeps the soul, steadfast and sure while the billows roll. (: and I trust you Lord, because I have no idea what you are doing, but I know that you know that it's best for me.

the only resolution i found for confusion this week - was more confusion - sigh.

Orchid hybridization yesterday. but let's not talk about that now. work beckons. oh work work, more work. (service is our top priority :P)

I shall speak in riddles once more. (yes. this is no poetry - it is just useless ramble)

Twirling whirling gyrating (much like last night)
the bees surround their honey
but chance now - they flee some distance (it was in an instant)
unguarded now - I close some distance (not much, not much)
but this some trick of the mind (some distraction)
I wish the bees were still there
to be stung - but taste
or to withdraw and never
i doth wonder which hurts greater.
God guide my paths (this part is no riddle)

And recalling the placement of white rocks, the rearrangement of pebbles to form a loving message to complement the coming REW week - the week where our Saviour gave up everything for us. this is the culmination of lent - may we be filled with thanksgiving always, especially for this week. Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday. remember Him in all our ways.

and with those stones - John Tay came frolicking past, with a fish in hand.

(that was a random way to end)