jukebox (:

FileFactory.com

moving house

increases stress levels

i lift my turtle shell. and on i go

eventually. that's where many others will go

sigh.

limmdt.wordpress.com

four paos and three pratas

'encouragement' was the word that God struck my heart with this week; and with that fateful rock-paper-scissors game between Kenneth and Chng, came my first attempt at leading a week of FireAC. well. why encouragement?

Hebrews 10:24: "Let us consider how we may spur each other on in love and good deeds"

in the past week or so, somehow, through the many ups and downs, God has shown me the importance of encouragement, of being encouraged and encouraging others in return. in the short span of a week i've been through a whole myriad of emotions and sensations - lonely realizations, persistent frustrations, ecstatic highs, self introspective silence. and well, somehow, through the thick and thin, all i needed was the knowledge from God that He was still there.

i find. that sometimes, all we do need is assurance, and love, and a listening ear; it's not so much the medicine that heals someone, but the love emanated by the person giving the medicine, administering the care and concern (:

i try too hard sometimes, to encourage. it ends up being condescending, even on the brink of pride. sometimes. and i do pray that God will change that part in me - and in all who struggle to do the same thing.

---

yes finally broke my pao fast. albeit on the wrong type of pao (hmph)

---

and there's just something strange about me -

- this strange attraction toward things, no people, people who seem lonely, quiet, and who appear to have gone through some sort of psychological battle before, some sort of embitterment towards oneself - some sort of terrible struggle. some inevitable magnetism draws one toward them, and sometimes, just can't help feeling - that one needs to be there for them, to comfort them, to give them hope, and to give them love.

maybe that was why...

but one can't do everything. only Jesus can. only Jesus knows the way to a broken heart.

so teach me Lord. teach us all.

beautiful irony

our hearts remained as one,
together - on the carousel called life;
and when winter blew its frosty song
we knew - to sing along

what's in a beautiful irony?

it's in the spoken silences
in the happy-sadness
in simple complexity
in sweet sorrow
just...
in (:

fairytale land

someone once told me that my life at present seemed like a fairytale - for many reasons - among which the perceived high grades, the seemingly smooth-sailing spirituality, the various accolades, the many friends, the lack of relational problems and all.

but here's to say. that i really am no Snow White, no Cinderella, no Belle of the ball, no Peter Pan; because, like everyone else, i'm just another person. no pumpkins for me to ride in, no youth that lasts for an eternity (ok maybe eternal life. but...), and definitely, no prince to kiss me on the cheek (: but that being said. people have this impression that i'm living a fairytale.

maybe persuasion isn't the best method to deal with this - rather, i'd like to direct all who feel so to look at the author of my life - God, my great Father in heaven, the greatest storyteller, the one who knew everything from the beginning, who's the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I'm only as blessed as He allows so. and every blessing He gives me, i'm infinitely thankful. and i deserve none of the honor.

it's strange, i look around me, and people seem to live in regrets, live in the emotional ups and downs, live in all kinds of broken dreams and hopes - and i'm not spared from these, it just seems less so sometimes, thank God again - but sometimes, i wish i could just take all the hurt of the world, so that the people around me could all be happy, could all have their dreams come true and could all smile (: I wish i could switch out of my 'happy life' and give it to everyone else - i'd rather be the only sad one...

I oft ask God: why give a man 10 talents and another 5, why not just 7.5 each?

but i realise i'm incapable of such a noble deed. but someone has already taken the hurt of all the world - Jesus (:

meditate on that (:

to shannetta mists

no one is supposed to know the significance of this post except you my dearest dearest comrade (: but tis' just the little reply you told me not to compose. yet i persist:

-- love is a commitment, it's not a feeling, it's not that warm fuzzy sensation we get in romantic movies and such --- love is a choice. and yes, you got that right, i chose to love you (:

the rifts were always there, they were inevitable, interests aside, i guess we didn't have much in common, and there was always that same gulf that was felt - on the phone, in school, anywhere. the rifts just became more apparent. that's all. and it's ok, because the rifts sometimes make everything better (:

i'm really glad you found your niche. partially my fault for withdrawing - and i did, because 2007 brought a whole host of new problems and new struggles, and i chose to find solace in new company - but like you said, maybe it's for the better.

i just want you to know though. that no matter what. when you need a friend, i'll be there. i'll be a shoulder for you to cry on, i'll be the silent friend who patiently waits beside you when you cut the rest of the world off. at least for now - for the remaining of what's left in school.

when i said i missed you. i really meant it. because somehow one part of me regretted pulling away, as my affections and feelings were drawn toward others; i really regretted it. not just you, but many of my old pals as well. there was this day in class, i simply broke down and cried, the thunder roared outside, and i felt so lonely inside, and i was afraid -- afraid of losing all my old friends.

but i'm glad. and thank God for you still. (:

and i guess we know what will happen when we leave school; i used to think we would keep in touch forever and ever. but gradually, i guess i start to realise the reality of things - and that tells me that we will eventually lose touch, whether we like it or not - it's an inevitability that i'm not afraid to admit - but remember, that when we see each other in heaven - please give me a knowing smile? (:

who cares about rifts? we have an eternity to make up one day (:

in His love,
tim

chemistry

so you have a bottle of reactants. these would ultimately react to form ---> products (:

energetics: tells you if the reaction is spontaneous
kinetics: the rate of reaction (how fast it proceeds)
equilibrium: the point of equilibrium, or the extent of products produced

i hate to 'sciencify' things; least of all things that have nothing to do whatsoever with logic, reasoning and scientific banter; but one must always upkeep that (false) intellectual appearance, and couple it with the necessary metaphors and images. ok i half feel not like posting this anymore. but i shan't let the fingers be trigger happy, we have gone so far, so why stop now.

something has changed in the mix; perhaps the forward reaction has been faster than the backward reaction and a new equilibrium point is being achieved. the rate of reaction though, is something that should be controlled, lest like 'fire and powder, as they kiss consume'. and the energetics problem is particularly difficult - how can one determine if the forward reaction is favorable, or spontaneous from the start?

there are many questions zipping now. but we shall have to zip up carefully (ok that doesn't make sense haha); i was told, that life, life isn't about analyzing and breaking things down into small little bits and pieces to examine; life isn't about prescribing little solutions to problems; that isn't life, life is just so random, so chaotic, so unpredictable - and yet God is in control.

now finally steering away from the silly science imagery. i shall just say what needs to be said:

smile (: and there's no need to be grieved or feel bad
pray (: and God will light the way
never stray (: from God's way that is
stay (: just the way we are

and now. i shall just put a little bookmark into this little book of mine. and hmmm. don't think too much don't think too much tim >< ahaha.

who's up for some math portfolio fun? (at this point i start to crumble mentally...)

happy birthday

this shall be a brief post. to keep the blog alive.

but happy birthday. thanks to all (:

for the arctic puppy (nanook!)
for the studious dog (timotheous!)
for the rowan atkinson toy
for the two dollar notes and deflated balloons (heh...it'll return (: )
for the many notes and letters
for the monster note book (i started using it!)
for the endless amount of cake cake cake!
for the surprising cards out of nowhere (silly ding dong you)
for the revamped ashlee (: (ediitttt sorry my dear emil)

and most importantly....for just being there (: the company was all i ever wished for

and now i pray. that God will help me live a life for Him. wholeheartedly. and completely guided by Him. that is the biggest wish. ever (: thanks for staying close even when it felt like You weren't there God. it's been a tough week. but You're faithful (:

don't worry be happy

(: i must learn to smile more (:

people say i've been emoing around the IB block too much, with blue file in hand, i guess in a way, they aren't too far from the truth.

i need to start picking up more balls again

and be happy tim again

i need a shoulder too

God, i pray that somewhere in those everlasting arms, in that wide and merciful embrace, that you would reserve for me a special spot where i can just let everything go. i wonder why in this week alone, these once-parched eyes have been flooded with blind confusion, joyful sorrow, and hopeless despondency; as if symbolically representing the state of one's heart, the grey clouds gather in one final reunion, and with a roar of thunder and the splitting lightning, rain pours in gushes of stinging needles. and all i needed was a place of quiet refuge and comfort.

i'm better now. i always am when i'm alone with you Lord - the troubles seem to disappear - and the peace that comforts me always comes when you are near. but every time i leave just a moment from your comforting embrace, the torrent of darkness just seems so imposing once again. i know that i shall fear no evil for You are with me. and yet there are times when the sorrow of the world, and of all the other people in the world, seem too much for this innocent heart of mine to bear.

i wish Lord, that i could give up Your blessings sometimes, that i may just speak in truthful sincere empathy to those who are feeling down and out. yet i don't really know what i'm asking for - could i really just give it all up? but yet a part of me, always wishes that i were the sacrifice, that i could sacrifice myself for the happiness of all others'. and yet, people remind me so oft, that it seems to be the opposite. but why?

i questioned this once. that why give the man 10 talents and the other 5, why had you not given both the same? seven-point-five? and the one answer that came, was that to whom much was given, much was expected. i know Lord.

and yet - why is it that in trying to make everyone happy, one inevitably, unknowingly, causes pain to another?

i guess. it's both good and bad. that i'm not speaking in code this time.

and for the record. i'm ok. i just need Your guidance now Lord (:

re: fireac

it's been nine months. we had hopes. we had the passion raring to go. but where are we now? i don't know, recent happenings have resulted in mixed feelings - here a handful of disappointment, and yet those little glimmers of hopeful rays here and there. i don't know what to feel - optimistic or defeated. i just wish you wouldn't be so disappointed...cheer up ok? when faith in people fails, have faith in God. but don't give up on those the Lord has provided you. never give up and never even come close to disregarding them.

people have got distracted. work. relationships with others. just many many. me too. me too. it's slowed down many things. i wish too that these things hadn't come, that tiredness and weariness didn't exist, that distractions could just disappear. but they don't, and somehow, we've made it through so far. by God's grace.

i wonder. why you view things so different from the way i do. am i just blinded to some fact that you can so perceive? are we deluded with false hope? are we just in fact - dying and distracted? i don't know why i see opportunity and optimism, but you seem to have less of it - and more disappointment, and concerned that we may get more tired, and this and that. God wants to lead us somewhere, i don't know either, i wish i could tell you.

but God says to wait. i know you hate that word. but He will come. and when He comes, it's not because any of us did our best, it's not whether we failed or succeeded in the tasks that we were assigned. it's not because of our efforts - but because of His grace. and maybe all these failures and distractions thus far, would just amplify the fact that when God comes, He is great. not us.

i'm sorry, on behalf of many, if we've been tied down, and busified by the world. but we do try, and many of us still do harbor the hope within our hearts. i don't know if you'd call it eating drinking and sleeping revival, but we still do, we pray, we yearn, and we seek. this isn't to justify ourselves, this is to say, that be encouraged, there are still people fighting alongside you.

most importantly, let's stay together. for only in unity in Christ, can he be glorified. would he like to see us fragmented? would he like to see us giving up on each other? i doubt so. even the disciples failed Jesus, he kept them and taught them more. and he showed them the way. stick together and love each other, that the world may know what we love him.

please. for His sake. try to get over this soon (: we'll all be praying

people need the Lord

everywhere i look. every corner of the school, seems to be filled with joy and yet an unspoken amount of despair, of heartbreak and of depression.

why, with every turn of the head, one comes to a table where another sits alone ands stares into blank space - hair plastered down upon his forehead, lips arched into the uncomfortable shape of a frown, and lamenting the fact that love seems such a distant thought. and yet another, bitten by betrayal, by the hurting tinge of a friend's lie, struggling to find what is real in the world.

and yet more, who live and carry on in jest, yet their final fate to be in flames and darkness. the people who live day after day not seeing and not knowing the truth. why why why. Father I pray that you will come and work mightily this friday, not for our glory, for the sake of His sacrifice. we need more prayer, more of God in these lives.

me? i've been doing fine. i guess. (: lots of blessings. lots of joy. and lots of thinking. but I do need more and more of Him. work's been piling up. but somehow. we trust Him.

people need the Lord

he knows my name (:

how often do we just sit back. and reflect. and marvel and our Saviour's great love for each one of us. sometimes i struggle with the thought - that seemingly self-centered thought, that seemingly self-important though - that if i were the only person left on earth, Christ would still come down just the same and die for me, just so that i could return to His side at the end of time. and it's not just me, it's every single one of us. dearly loved.

Psalm 8. i used to marvel at that psalm. i still do.

when i think about the heavens, the moon and all the stars, i wonder what you ever saw in me...

He knew every one of us before we were born, He formed us, He picked your eyes, your nose, your features, your skin color, your gender, and He loved every part of it, it was perfect (: perfect in His sight. He gazes down on you day after day, wanting to love you and shower you with more and more of Himself.

everyone of us. is a gift. a gift from the almighty to our friends, family...ah (:

if you haven't started feeling special. it's time to realize that you are so important to Him. but not because we're great. but because He is everything (:

three balls

and off they go, tossed one by one into the air, we've tried it with apples before - yes a rather interesting event following a rather interesting meeting - and now it shouldn't get too difficult with the real thing - balls!! (: ah well. but the skills still need honing. they need to be improved. because, reality catches up with me, and perhaps there are more than one ball to tend to.

you see. this year has been one long juggling act. new balls have been introduced - some lonely, some lovely - old balls have to be remembered. and i'm afraid. i might have forgotten some on the way.

i don't want to let go of any. new or old. but maybe. i might have to some day. ah then which shall be the first to go ):

(at this point my comp starts to flicker uncontrollably. i'd best be off. ah)

eighteen is a nice number

and now. after three days straight of little work. but lots and lots of other stuff. i can truly stand and say. i am poofed.

i absolutely love God (ok so do a whole lot of us). i know work is important. but it feels like such a distant thought now. ah. i need to start for the finals. but my brain's not working. someone help me pick up the brain and plonk it back in again?

and thanks God. for everything. it's just been extremely tiring. but incredibly rewarding and blessed as well (: ahhhhh..balling (:

bin bin speaks again

this begins with a smile (:

it's not that i don't love you, it's just the opposite, i love you so much i can't seem to let go; that once the bin's been used, it doesn't mind being used, it's happy being used, and happy seeing all who are happy using it.

it's not that i've given up on you, on the contrary, i continue to hold on, because God says that the bin shall hold on, this labor of love shall not be in vain; because God says that there must be faith, and so the bin trusts that one day everything with you will be fine; because God says the bin must continue loving. and so it does, continue loving.

it's not that i've become emo myself, but i've just been a little tired, perhaps tired of being used, of the little abuses i've had to endure and that have built up over time; it's not that i'm asking for them to stop, by all means, continue, if it helps you out, continue. bins can take it. but bins do have feelings too. and if bin finally shuts its lid, i hope you'll understand why (:

but maybe bin does feel a little lonely at times. because it seems to spend time with the lonelier individuals in school. and as these lonelier individuals find new company, and finally break free of using the bin, bin watches on in joy; true joy. but somehow bin also wonders, what happens once all the bin-users break free? will bin then be all alone?

and that's that. the lid's still open (:

ah. meanwhile. i can't stand it. the drugs the drugs. ah the withdrawal symptoms are sometimes so difficult to understand. but so lovely in themselves. so happy. so sad. yet so happy.

boot laces

there's been so much more to pray for recently. thank goodness for National Day holidays, thank goodness for this well deserved rest break for most of us - unless of course you are like me and tend to give yourself work even though there is nothing to do (yes the wiser individuals have gone on to play 3 hours of star(edit!!)craft (excuse the blasphemy heh), or perhaps LAN after soccer, or simply bumming around) those are the wiser individuals, i'm just weird.

soccer simply brought back the old times like a whiff of strong nostalgic coffee.
the worship retreat simply reminded oneself of the importance of the heart in worship.
three times of ah balling in a week simply leaves one in an incredibly high state.
one hour QTs have been quiet, painful, loving, yet reassuring.
flickering computer screens have plagued me the entire week.
no work has driven me quite mad.

and the boot laces - we shall leave them in the hand of Him who knows best ya? (:

sometimes i wish - and i'm not sure if this is a bad wish - but that God would tell us something more than that call to trust in Him. yes we do trust in You for the future Lord. but could You not - in your abounding mercy - show us a portion of what steps to take and how to go about the future? or would that be too much for our human minds to comprehend?

collide

i often wonder this. and i shall now post from part of my secret (but now not so secret) journal:

i always feel that it's so strange that I can spend an hour with the Lord in the morning, yet completely leave Him aside for the rest of the day. It's something i regret about yesterday, yet something i really need His grace to overcome. I guess it's a real learning journey, this thing about maintaining a blossoming relationship with God. it's strange yet again that I really do feel I can't live a day without Him - if I miss QT, i feel really dry and thirsty on the inside - yet the moment I hit a certain 'quota', say that one hour of QT, i seem to forget Him and not feel bad about it until the end of the day. It's terrible, perhaps it's the way the world works, that makes you forget. But Lord I want to pray that You'll help me against this forgetfulness, teach me mindfulness, teach me how to think of You 24 hours a day.

and so yes. i wonder. i wonder. and i wonder. how to give God more of each day. and it went on, the post did go on. it went to something about text messages, and how we ought to send God text messages throughout the day and receive the little replies from Him. that's the way one builds up a relationship with Him. not just a simple concentrated time.

and yet. even spurious messages do not suffice. that simple concentrated time is required. You do need special time set aside. and you DO need special attention. recently, God has impressed upon me...to be mindful of the things above, and not be too caught up with the world. it's been heard many times, but it's oft forgotten. and i'm reminding myself as much as i hope to remind all those who come by this humble blog.

and this part is for dearest emil (and anyone else distressed):
don't fret (: God will always be there. and while i'm here i'll be your little punching bag to vent your frustrations, and your free state-of-the-art pinch dispenser to give you a little reminder. and whilst your struggles seem to be exclusive to you at times, they are not (: many other ppl - including silly me - do understand (: and we're here struggling together. in love. in unity

-- and so. we need to grow closer to God together. ah i need to pray for a heart for the people again. holidays get you so distracted. pah.

400

one would usually begin with a loud 'harumph!' (or equivalent sounds) and celebration would continue with virtual party poppers, cakes and various surprises. the room of '400th post celebrations' or so we all call it, and today, one would like to wish this blog a 'happy 400th post'. many years ago - ok only two and half - it began with a little boy with much angst - and perhaps it still it - a little more hardened, but a long way to go. 400 on this wonderfully auspicious 8/8 day. and so the room was opened, and many were welcomed to join the celebration...

but (well we all expected the but - it is me after all)

..why was it. when the door was opened. everyone seemed to be hiding? sitting alone in a circle of empty chairs, there was not a single stir in the air - save one's own breathing. and i wondered, where was everyone? really. where was everyone today?

pahpoopohpeh. i can't seem to think straight anymore. searching for Him who could satisfy everything. searching for that one guest that I would love to meet. and yet i continue to be alone. or maybe He's arrived - and i'm oblivious. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest - not to come. i don't know. i wouldn't know. and i don't want to know.

why is it. that when we climb to the highest point and look down - then reflection begins? why is it in the exhilarating climb upward, we never look back to take a breather for reflection. and when you reach the top...

you realise it's a long way down. (oh my who wouldn't have guessed that)

red box

the box was hollow. why hollow. i wonder. it began hollow. but only Someone could give it life.

so you have a box. coat it with layers of love; toss in snippets of joy; but is that enough to make it meaningful? is that enough to give it life - to cause animation? i don't know. maybe in the process of slapping on douses of love, there were little tinges of selfish that somehow found their way into the paint-jobs; maybe mixed with the little snippets of joy were snippets of foolishness; maybe. just maybe. but it made me think. again. reconsider.

hollow box. i'm sure the heart wasn't as hollow. but we all are mistaken at times. snipping away with the scissors at the many entanglements, trying to make little holes, lacing the box with furry bendy pipe things - and we found that snipping was never easy, making holes was even more difficult, but sometimes things simply had to be done.

people ask why all the talk in metaphors? why not just simply let everything out in plain language? but some things are best left described in images, in stories; some things are best left unspoken in plain language. can't help it sometimes. but then again - you all, stop thinking that the metaphors have deeper significances. maybe they're just...random (:

this 399th post is by far no emo post. no 399th post shall ever be emo. in fact, just the opposite; i'm been grateful, thankful, full of praise and full of love for the God who's blessed so greatly. it's just that - have i mentioned before - walking in joy (or is it happiness) is never easy as well.

i feel like just walking on a big (old belly) hill and watching the world go by

in pursuit of permanence

if one wonders why tim has been posting so faithfully and furiously these days, it's only because the 400th post is in sight! yes the dearest 400th post that will confer upon my (not so) dear blog the (dubious) honor of being a 400-post-monster. beat that! ok so people like fab have been there done that, but for me, that's a long way to have come.

i'm still searching. for the special something from You (i caps the you here to prevent any strange misinterpretations). but i long for more. You do know that nothing else can satisfy right? and not just me, so many of my friends too, longing for that touch from You. and You simply need to come and minister to us and touch us all. tmr Lord. tmr.

and i prayed yesterday. prayed hard. but it wasn't about me in the end. yes it was about you finding me. and not the other way.

the verse i saw, when i shifted my head to look at the quaint calender positioned high atop my table was James 5:7-8. a true encouragement. i wonder.

7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near.

so a call to wait. but for how long?

yes the balance - is to be thankful and yet not to be contented with the present; to desire more of Him yet not overlooking the little things that He has blessed you with. we His little children just need to trust Him more.

Pa? will you come visit us in a mighty way? (:

hide and seek

wait. count to 10. ready or not here i come!

the search begins with pure ecstasy - it is but a game after all - and deep down inside i know that you're not really lost, and that in the end we'll manage to get together. prancing about, looking high and low, every possible nook and cranny, no stone left unturned. with every growing moment the heartbeat accelerates. i do wonder where you've gone. but i know that i'll eventually find you.

the game resumes. i search on. but in vain. there were boundaries to this game after all... had we not set them into place? so you had to be somewhere. somewhere there. maybe that rendezvous point, maybe where we once shared the many moments together, maybe where you picked me out of the miry clay and took me from darkness into light. maybe where we had shared the light drizzle, basked in the gentle sunray's caress. maybe. but i've searched, and have not found you - not yet at least.

where are you?

and when i do find you. it is just but a little glimpse. and in a moment you disappear again - how did anyone run off so quickly? so the search persists. and i continue to look. growing a little impatient - a little worried. because not finding you is worrying. i thought it was just a game.

and i start to yell out your name. it echoes through the corridors, bounces off the walls, resonates in the empty caverns of the building. but there is no reply, save for my own voice, echoing in equal bewilderment. i thought it was just a game.

the game's up! or so i yell. but you do not appear. not yet. why the wait.

and eventually one gives in. settles for a little spot in the comfy corner. and just waits. waits for you to come. and you do - finally. you really do - and along with it all the joy and supplication and strength for everything ahead.

you did come. you found me. maybe it was me hiding all along.

you did come. and that made all the difference (:

euthanasia

it's been mentioned countless times in TOK lessons. but of late the question has risen up in the mind again - i can't really find the reason behind it, but maybe it was simply some spur of emotion. to kill or not to kill. that is the question.

when a man lies in bed. critical condition. probably not going to make it. the possibility of living almost nil. what does one do? leave him there, to suffer his life away? or simply just deliver the final jab, that he might die in peace. the pain in one short blow, and peace to come; or longer-suffering pain. the choice. is just so difficult.

but to deliver the jab. your arm quivers. shivers. and you don't quite know how to do it. you don't want to risk it. wasn't there a 1% chance this man would survive? you pray. you wonder if it's the right thing - the ethical thing - to do. ah well. it ends with a perplexed

i don't know.

sometimes i wonder too. short term. or long term. i don't think i'm making sense. but poo. so do so many of you out there.

but it's ok (:

crashed

when you zip too fast on the highway, sometimes all you need to do is pullover. you need to pullover to that doughnut stand by the street, pick up some tasty frosted ones, and spend a moment to be refreshed in the midst of the many evergreen trees that never seem to grow tired. you on the other hand, are filled with emptiness, fatigued, and simply need a break. stop speeding, lest you come crashing into the side lane.

spending too much time on the road, stepping too hard on the gas pedal, sometimes has it's repercussions, or so you finally realize. and the great God who created the world just tells you that you need a kit-kat, and you pullover at the petrol station - though the gas prices have gone up quite a bit - and do just that. the car's a gas-guzzler. you need a refill - don't want to burnout now do we?

and you begin to wonder why you've needed this break. what has demanded that gas from you all this past week that you've just gone at full speed and missed out on the many sights and sounds of nature. ah you start to think too much, and indulge in regret and nostalgia. and you start to wonder if spending all that time was worthwhile - the visit to the zoo, the visit to that play, the visit to all the little nitty gritty of th world. when all you needed was some rest.

but the great thing is. that God's been there in the backseat of your car all along, comforting and smiling at you all the way. but now it's time - for you, and me for that matter - to pass Him the keys and let Him take the wheel.

love

if we have ministered, spread the gospel, helped others in their problems, offered a listening ear, but have not loved, then we are but a resounding gong.

it's not about putting love into the activities we do, the ministry we carry out

paradigm shift:

it's about loving the people, then ministering as a natural outpouring, sharing the message as part of the act of love and compassion (:

everyday's a special day, with opportunities of it's own. open my eyes to see Lord.

and there's still so much for me to learn. need to pray more. trying not to cross the line again (:

tears

agonize. i pray that God teach us how to agonize for those who are unsaved. how to simply cry out for them. and that morning in the lt, during REW followup for the lower sec, i remembered those little crystal orbs streaming down, sparingly, but still enough - enough to feel the pain and agony of Jesus, enough to let me know that God is real.

tears again. onion peeling makes tearing inevitable. but why do we go on peeling sometimes? it puzzles me. maybe there's some happiness in it all - and that's tears too. hope the onion got a pleasant surprise from all today - to know that onions are dearly loved....the gardener and all (: yes yes. and the many layers. one day (: haha ok. i think i'm talking nonsense again.

been reminded time and again. that tears aren't always bad. happy and sad. just like life. just part and parcel of that journey called life.

when one is loved. one just lets the tap loose. drenched in joyful tears.

when passions mount

right now. Christians all over the world are praying; news of the 23 Korean brothers and (mostly) sisters who have been taken hostage by the Taleban has spread like wildfire - across the technological realm, through messenger, sms - and now people all over the world are praying, for a powerful intervention by God. for a first time, perhaps the spiritual realm has never seemed more apparent, more bigger than our little personal spheres. and we pray, for a mighty God to intervene. last night's prayers were answered - the deadlines delayed, what next.

sometimes, in this time and age, we ask 'Where is God?'; we see the many wars, the bloodshed, the merciless killings, and in all honesty, we ask 'Where is God?' - we cannot simply say 'it's ok.' - how can the death of so many innocent lives be a flippant 'ok'. So where is God, why doesn't He seem to be in control? why all the suffering, why the torrent of tyranny and anarchy?

but here's the truth. God is in control. there are two sides to this coin. He has an appointed time for everything - an appointed time for the reign of evil, as much as an appointed time for the defeat of all the evil forces of the world. He is in control, watching, and there are reasons behind everything He determines. The whole world is in His hands.

We can't be over optimistic - over naive; yet we cannot be defeatists, we cannot simply succumb to the fear and uncertainty. here's the verse that sums it up, before Jesus leaves His disciples, He says that they will face much trouble in the world:

"But take heart, I have already overcome the world" (John 16)

what a promise. what a comfort.

and we pray on.

to make a difference

a long time has passed since time has allowed me to post on this little online (not so private) diary of mine; whether it's been the jia(1) that i've had to stuff into my head, or the BB cares and the balloons we've had to pump and twist (and pop), or simply late nights involving more headaches and reading and aefs and stuff, it has taken up time, and finally there is an avenue for some reflection. in solitude. again.

tamada, to make a difference, finally set out on friday, with our counterparts EatXL and Sparta; and i must say that though there were no radical changes, we were claiming ground, and God was going to move, we simply had to pray that He would provide the breakthrough. no shortcuts when it comes to this, just lots and lots of faith. i pray that we'll hear His voice clearly, sometimes i still doubt whether it's Him i hear, but i trust it is. Pslams 32:8 again. thanks Lord.

and balloon twisting for the old folks. i guess it was a strange day. not to mention a rainy one. but it was one full of many twists and turns as well. eventually, we left having been uplifted as much as the old folks had been cheered up by the many smiles and squeaky dog balloons. and i had my startrek balloon hat, which did not pop this time (the last time emil had to assault with a pencil)

and east coast today. was just the wind in your hair. the sun on your face. and the company of cousins and friends. simple yet pristine moments.

there's much to be thankful for. so i shall end here and smile (:

beginnings

and before we set off. i stumbled upon this little convo history in one of my rare escapades to the msn convo past. and i realised. that was how it began. haha. we've grown much, each and every one of us. and now i present the abridged version of something that conspired about a year back (it's been a year a year!) the people here are fab, kenneth and myself. go figure (:

Session Start: Monday, July 17, 2006

[10:25:07 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Tell Tim about your revival thing
[10:25:14 PM] [kae-eee-ann: blah
[10:25:15 PM] [kae-eee-ann: ZZZ
[10:25:27 PM] |||LimClaNst: and ya kenneth you could tells me
[10:25:29 PM] [kae-eee-ann: can you send him the convo history
[10:25:34 PM] [kae-eee-ann: zzzzz
[10:25:41 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Bleh you shouldn't tire of saying it
[10:25:44 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : If you're serious about it
[10:25:51 PM] [kae-eee-ann: NICE MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY AGAIN
[10:26:58 PM] [kae-eee-ann: like on sunday morning, i suddenly thought of something. mr charles ng and many other have mentioned like time and again that we're all on earth for a purpose
[10:27:05 PM] |||LimClaNst: mhm
[10:27:25 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and on sunday morning, while i was still at my friend's bdae party, i realised another side to it
[10:27:45 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God placed us where we are like the specific location for eg. in our class, for a specific purpose.
[10:27:53 PM] |||LimClaNst: mhm
[10:27:58 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and whatohwhat is that purpose? which couldnt have been accomplished anyplace else
[10:28:09 PM] [kae-eee-ann: think abt that, and correct me if im wrong
[10:28:25 PM] |||LimClaNst: incidentally i've thought bout that b4 :D
[10:28:46 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : I thought about it last year also
[10:28:54 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Exact same words as Kenneth
[10:28:20 PM] [kae-eee-ann: anyway. here's the spooky part
[10:28:24 PM] [kae-eee-ann: at night
[10:28:28 PM] [kae-eee-ann: when i went to church
[10:28:43 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God kinda spok.e to me
[10:28:44 PM] |||LimClaNst: AHHHHHH spoooooky
[10:29:02 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and what He told me, or at least what i THINK He told me
[10:29:07 PM] [kae-eee-ann: is scary
[10:29:09 PM] [kae-eee-ann: its what mr ng has always been saying
[10:29:17 PM] |||LimClaNst: scary?
[10:29:21 PM] [kae-eee-ann: but im like "ah whatever someone else is alr doing it"
[10:29:27 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God wants a revival
[10:29:33 PM] [kae-eee-ann: dadumdadum. *drum roll*
[10:29:35 PM] |||LimClaNst: yes and ?
[10:29:37 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and im like WTHH
[10:29:40 PM] [kae-eee-ann: WHY TELL ME
[10:29:43 PM] [kae-eee-ann: what can poor ol kenneth do
[10:29:46 PM] |||LimClaNst: what do you think
[10:29:50 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Good wake up calls I should think
[10:29:51 PM] [kae-eee-ann: so basically i want to ask for your helps. pray pray and ask whether He really wants us to do this
[10:29:54 PM] [kae-eee-ann: cos apparently thats the yr5's mission too
[10:29:59 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and if you get the same signal
[10:30:00 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Reminding us we are here for a purpose
[10:30:01 PM] [kae-eee-ann: HELP ME
[10:30:04 PM] |||LimClaNst: I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me
[10:30:06 PM] [kae-eee-ann: HELPHELPHELP
[10:30:14 PM] |||LimClaNst: no problem kenneth
[10:30:14 PM] [kae-eee-ann: i dont know if the revival is in our individual classes, cos i was pondering abt why he placed us there earlier in the day
[10:30:19 PM] [kae-eee-ann: or whether its in BB, which YEAH we're all on our way (hopefully)
[10:30:19 PM] |||LimClaNst: your concerns are ours
[10:30:22 PM] [kae-eee-ann: or whether its in the whole acs
[10:30:28 PM] [kae-eee-ann: in which case i'll be :-O

...

and it ended like this haha

[10:52:52 PM] [kae-eee-ann: BOBOBOBOB
[10:52:53 PM] |||LimClaNst: bye all
[10:52:56 PM] [kae-eee-ann: the builder

oh well. Lord guide us I pray.

sequel

and pooh, having handed over the honey pot, now watches on, uncertain if he had made the right decision. sure, Chris was definitely more important, than the world, than anything else in the Hundred Acre Wood; sure, it had been a sincere decision, there was no half-hearted-ness in it. he was willing, but would he be able? would his heart be able to take the piercing sight of a honey pot just within reach but not in hand?

and he wonders why now. why such an odd question by Chris. is he perhaps, worrying too much? Chris gazes into Pooh's eyes with the deepest affection, he eyes glistening, his arms stretched around the bear's shoulders. just that look from Chris, is enough to comfort him, enough to tell Pooh that perhaps it was all going to be fine. just trust him. just trust him.

maybe it wasn't all that bad. Chris did give him a lick or two now and then. a little glimmer of happiness a day. but something told him that Chris was teaching him a lesson, and sure enough, the portions each day lessened, and continued to decreased. and Pooh's dependence on the dear honey pot waned, slowly but surely.

to a point. where in the evening sunset - again the silhouettes on the hill - Chris simply passes the pot back to Pooh. Pooh's delighted, but suddenly, as he takes a scoop out of the pot, he looks at Chris, and realizes, just how much he had learned to love him more. honey had never tasted so sweet in his life, and it wasn't just the honey from the pot, but the sweet fellowship with his dear friend Chris.

in his wildest dreams. in his wildest dreams.

tooth fairy bites

oh my. it's so late. one finds oneself in a half state of slumber. but somehow work drives one to plod on. perhaps it was apt, kneeling on the pillows, inevitable sleep overcame. but restlessness ensued, and one wakes up at the strangest hour to reconcile matters with the great gardener (who i assure you is always there watering all us little seedlings in this boundless garden of many surprises); never had hope seemed so bleak. never had optimism seem so contrary. joy seem so distant. the heart seem so stolen away. maybe it's the first step, and gloomy clouds seem to gather.

but with clouds. come the rain. is that not so. and that should be a happy thing.

flashbacks of childhood.

i see Winnie the Pooh, i watch his cumbersome figure. there he sits beside Christopher, both in the light of an evening sunset, and the silhouetted figures like cut out paper shadows. He holds a large jar of honey. but then Christopher takes hold of it. just a little. tugs a little. an exchange of surprised looks. but Christopher continues to tug. Winnie holds on. tight. then Chris smiles, and asks:

"pass me the honey pooh; what if i took away all the honey you ever had..would you..still love me?"

and Winnie struggles. looks at the honey pot nestled in his arms. all he ever wanted perhaps. but now, he too sees the friend who had helped him through the thick and thin of life. Christopher. honey. Christopher. honey. he looks back and forth. and eventually loosens the grip on the pot. Chris smiles. it hurts - but Winnie smiles back.

perhaps one day. Chris would return to pooh tenfold of what had been given up that day. perhaps not. it ought not to matter. what mattered was the love shared between them..for the years to come. in the Hundred Acre Wood

running

and today the commissioning was done. somehow i had no courage to stand yet, till i knew for sure that God was with me; and i kept my eyes closed - no, no i was not going to stand for such a silly reason - it had to be for real, a true passion. and eventually, was compelled, on the brink of tears as thoughts of sacrifice came - and it did get a little wet in the end. casting lots was an equally wrenching process, and i guess, it goes to show that thy will be done (: i wonder i wonder more often than not, on the implications and reasons, but you know. He has plans higher than ours and all (: and that's good enough to know

till then. flame on.

underground operation

(before this starts to sound like some jihad terrorist organization rally message, let us clarify that it is not)

as Christians we live in an upside down kingdom, ruled by the greatest and only King of the universe, but nevertheless it is a kingdom ruled in love, and ruled by morals unheard of to the world: while one takes revenge in the world, another turns the other cheek in the upside down kingdom; while one strives to store up riches, the other forsakes all for the call;

i besiege all belonging to this upside down kingdom today - to remember your citizenship!

start to hold the fort. we're in an underground operation here. persecuted but not completely struck down; hard-pressed on all sides but not giving in; perhaps some of us have not realized the extent of the battle - that ongoing war between the principalities of light and darkness, the fighting going on on the spiritual battlefield - but it is happening, even as we walk to school, partake of the fellowship during recess - it is happening.

and get this. it appears at times, that we are fighting a losing battle. in the light of the happenings of this world, it seems that us, underground operations, will never see the light of day. Yet there is one, one comforting word, that we must all remember. the great commander, whilst He was here beside us said those few words:

"But take heart, for I have already overcome the world!"

and here we are, just occupying the land for this little moment, trying at best to bring others to follow us on the cause, to convince others of the truth of the message, to build up the Lord's army. Have we forgotten the sacrifice He made for us - that life which he gave for us to guarantee us the victory? that moment, when he passed on, and when He returned with the promise, was the moment that we knew, that the battle was already won (:

still. this is not a reason to rest on our laurels. we must continue to be filled with passion for the cause, and be creative in the methods of defence, offence; infiltration of enemy ground - for all those he has taken hostage, we need to steal them back from under His nose.

first. be convicted of the cause.
second. direct the conviction in creative means
third. pray. and rely on the strength of our Grand Commander.

yes pray. because in our base. there are a group of prayer warriors, who fight not physically but call upon the name of our Grand Commander, to cry out to Him for grace and mercy to aid us in the cause. and the best part - He is always listening, always ready to help - and His angels guard us, His army stands before us. and we have Nothing To Fear. absolutely.

so why wait. let's go out. and do this for His glory.

that the Lord may receive the reward for His grand sacrifice on the cross!!

Flame On!

learning to rest

when Mary and Martha met Jesus, Martha was busy making preparations in the house, but Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus, and simply listen to Him, to talk to Him, to learn about Him and to simply stare in amazement at him. so often we too are carried away by the many tasks of life - me included - that crowd out our minds and steal away the time that we ought to give to our Saviour. He's just right beside us, but have we given Him notice? He tells us to cast our cares upon Him. and to rest in Him

The Lord's Day, the Christian's day of rest, of the same significance that the Sabbath has to the Jews, is a day to rest. not just a rest in the fantasy world of the computer, or the rest in the comfort of a warm bed, but a holy rest. it is a sacred time for God, an appreciation of God, a time of worship and meditation on Him. time indeed is sacred, shouldn't we apportion a part of it back to the one who gave it to us?

a special day, set aside, not to a point of complete cessation of work - that would be unthinkable in today's hurried life - but to a point where we are consciously reminding ourselves to be mindful of God and sensitive to His voice. sure, everyday should be a day unto the Lord as such, but if everyday were the same, chances are we would simply forget again. the Lord's Day, Sunday, is a special day, set aside to remember God.

it too is an act of faith, when we stop work and realize that it is God who still keeps the world spinning and in motion, nothing to do with our own efforts. God upholds the world, and we trust Him to do so, but setting aside our work and going to Him (:

and that's that. rest in Him. and discover His love and power again. discover the power of His voice and word. and glorify Him in everything (:

orange peel

wrinkly on the outside, pores a plenty, and yet when you dig deep, there's some juice-filled core that's so alluring, so sweet, but at times sour, and when you remove the outer covering, there is nothing more to hold the little pieces closely together. yet when it all falls apart, i dare say that there is still a portion that remains - shall i use that word? - hidden. hidden, concealed and not able to be brought to the light, because if it were, it would hurt, like the juice in our eyes sometimes, it would be sweet, but it too has the power to hurt (perhaps much more than it would be sweet)

i don't know if people understand these silly images sometimes. i think it's sometimes just me. maybe they hold no meaning at all. just a silly part of me. just creative juices that needed to be fulfilled. no matter.

besides that. and on another note. hopefully God would use that orange peeler, and peel off our sin, our unholiness, to discover a heart that longs to see Him glorified.

ah well. CAS beckons. and i type alone, at home, whilst others sit in the computer lab in school.

editttt
and for the record:
3.141592653589793238462643383279520884197169399375108230958209 (ah thanks (: ok i'm bad at this) that's 55 digits (:

thanks to Fab for the sms. haha.yes but my sanity is much at stake now

heart, mind and soul

when one is led only by the mind - distracted by endless planning, worrying over trivialities, organization and getting structures into place - one finds that there will always be a scarce amount of energy, and our passion, or the construct of it, is easily depleted and difficult to replenish. perhaps for too long our focus has been on the themes, the frameworks, the spiritual technology, that we may have lost sight of the initial purpose of us being here in FireAC. why, a true timely reminder, that it is high time we searched and prayed to rediscover our hearts.

and in all of us, there is a heart - much like the carebears i am tempted to mention, ahhh to much (unhealthy? no rather..strange) influences - but there is a heart, and one that we need to pray that God will help us to discover and unleash. many a time, it is only when we are fully convicted, and not merely convinced of the cause, that God can really start to move through each and every one of us. on a personal note, tim has had a rather fluctuating passion, ups and downs of the sine curve of emotion, and has struggled to keep the flame alive. tim wonders, if there is indeed that true conviction in his heart, but he prays for it, tries to, though sometimes he might not feel like it.

and we need to seek enlightenment; of our purpose in this school. was FireAC merely the product of a group of people who decided to band together and be (for lack of better word) funny? or was it truly, and sincerely, a group that was called by God to glorify Him through evangelism, through love, through service to the school? Do we really feel empowered by the Holy spirit to do His work? or do we live day by day discouraged and feeling defeated, our efforts and seed-planting all in vain? high time we ask ourselves.

and we need to pray like never before. that God will instill that passion in our hearts. beyond the work, beyond the distractions, we need to look at God and say - that we want Him to be glorified! and definitely, through this, there will be infinite joy, and men will certainly be satisfied in God (:

so seek the fire. seek the heart. seek the conviction once again.

send revival. start with me.

To God be the Glory

even at the brief meeting today, for a brief moment, pride caught me off guard, but off it goes; yes i hate you pride, i hate you you part of tim that's always not focused on God, i hate you selfish nature, and i hate you sin; hmph. it's time to be purified by fire, even as we approach this term, to remember our state of depravity, and to marvel once again at God's bountiful grace. i guess it was meaningful to get to know our acjc counterparts today, though not much was really achieved. and thanks for the apples, the juggling, and the exempt from the doctors'; yes, tim also got a cap, but that's out of point.

what's important. is that this day, and the rest of our lives, God gets all the glory. every, every single bit of it (: and with that i post the song below (: God bless all.

To You be the Glory (Psalms 115)

not to us, but to You be the glory

this word glory, has been stuck in the head for the past few days - it seems increasingly that God wants us to make His glory our foremost concern, and nothing else. In whatever we do to truly mean it when we say 'to God be the glory!', to never glory-bask, to give back everything to our Father in heaven. wow. and i just pray that He'll reveal that glory to us, and I think He will lift us, and exalt us, but only that His name may be exalted - and we cannot forget that.

I think youth day was too free. and i penned yet another song, this time based on a passage from Psalms 1

Psalm 115

1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

To Him be the glory, we are all weak, and need His strength. whatever we do must be God-empowered. The lyrics below. but for the moment i shall not torment all with another song (:

Verse 1
Not to us, O Lord, Not to us
But to You be the glory
Not to us, O Lord, Not to us
But to You be the glory

Pre-Chorus
For You are worthy
Of honor and glory and praise
And we give You Lord
Endless adoration

Chorus
We want to see You
High and lifted up over all the earth
We want to see
The people turn their hearts to praise You
We want to see You
Seated on the throne of glory
Because of Your great love
We will praise You Lord

Verse 2
Blessed be the name, blessed be
The holy name of God
Blessed be the name, blessed be
The holy name of God


God Bless all (:

the fountain of youth

as we emerge from the little prickly shrubs, we shrug off the branches that attempt to catch onto our khaki colored shirts and pull us back from the destination; there in the distance, where fluffy clouds hover over, where a light drizzle finds sweet fellowship with thin rays of sunshine, lies our destination, it is a marvelously intricate piece of artwork, every curve designed with mastery, and it stands out in grand finesse among the patchy grass, a marble figure, glistening in the light - the fountain of youth.

of course we approach it slowly, suppressing the inner excitement that so bubbles from within, there is apprehension - could this be the legend fulfilled, was it all a hoax a myth? - but there ahead, it was cast in stone, more real than ever, and the treasure of youth leaped in streams of water from one end to another. it was for real. and we continue the approach, taking wary steps as we go.

finally, excitement boils over, and we both lunge forward for the coveted prize - that of eternal youth - and what a better day to find it.

had we not promised to go in together? why now were we tugging at each other's shirts, competing for the fountain? had desire blinded us, our eyes focused on the rushing water, forgetting the other who yearned the same. with a grand leap, you managed to make it there first, and i was left clutching at the air.

but suddenly we realize, the foolery of it all. what was eternal youth? what was peter pan's dream. even as you drank and i watched in envy. we realized that the gift of eternal life had already been given, freely, by the sacrifice of a lamb - the sacrifice of this man Jesus Christ.

Celebrate youth today. i'm going to miss the joys and the sadness, the fun and the trials. but don't forget to remember the Creator, all the days of your youth (:

(looking back at this post, i don't think it really made much sense, but i was simply trying to exercise some brain muscle, or maybe just escaping from the work that so demands my attention. ah that's me again.)

Father of the Fatherless

Father of the Fatherless

an intro to this song, which was composed shortly after WOW, when people were sad about leaving the children behind. where i tried to send the email to say hi, but unfortunately, the email couldn't make it, how does one send to a Chinese email address (the draft is still there). but remember this, even as we continue to pray for these children (which i have forgotten, i confess) - that God is with them and watches them.

ok i admit it. this one sounds a little scrappy (: but well that's me...with the new recording editing program thing haha (:

Verse 1:
You loved the little children
You called them one by one
You took them in Your arms
And you sheltered them from harm
You said the little children were welcome to Your place
And you took them in Your loving embrace

Chorus:
You're a Father to the Fatherless
Protector of the weak
Your our light in the darkness
So mighty yet so meek
We know that you will hear
Because you're ever, ever so near

Verse 2:
We loved the little children
As Jesus Christ had done
We took them in our arms
But the farewell had to come
And as the we left the children
The tears began to flow
But we knew Lord
That You'll never let them go!

Verse 3:
And so the little children are safe in Your embrace
You never sleep You watch them
You cover them with grace
And someday we shall meet again
Caught up in the air
And we'll praise Him when we're there!

oceans will part

it's been a tiring examination week, much time has been spent studying, some time has been spent praying, and at the end of it all, there's been ups and downs but God has remained very faithful. whilst at the playground one day i bobbed up and down on rhino the dino, thinking and just thinking - so strange, that i've become so horrible sometimes. and you find that you really start to hate the sinful portion of yourself - that's good i suppose.

returning from the uplifting session of worship and word at LoveMG, three months back exactly we were at the exact same auditorium; we took a wrong turn and walked back a crazy distance to the faraway bus-stop - we didn't do that today i guess. but walking from botanical gardens all the way meant good exercise after double scoops of Island Creamery. it was a rather lovely day today i guess - worship, friends, and just wow. began with solemn reflection. ended in praise.

oh well. prop me on the red chair Lord. we're all ready for it. aren't we?

Flame On!

dangerously calm

when you're anxious and worried and concerned and (insert synonym here), that's terrible.
when you're calm, it's dangerously calm.

if you plot stress level against time span of exam, including the month preceding the exam, what you obtain is a demand curve, yes an inverse relationship - rather like that between volume and pressure at a constant absolute temperature and given a fixed amount of gas (so says Boyle's Law); and it's strange, perhaps we could attribute it the fact that some of us began revision earlier, but either way, it's worrying.

i'm blogging. i'm on msn. and i'm not planning to do much today save for calling and praying (cap-ping) the class. oh well. people are going to get peeved. but the blessing must be carried out i guess. as we approach the next term, we start on the right footing.

the sun shines after the brief shower (rain rain come and play!) oh yes. have i mentioned that on rainy days tim gains a two times multiplication in alertness and strength, and that the sun absolutely saps him of all energy. so you know now, to poison him, all you need to do is feed him sunshine bread (:

maybe. i should go get some English done. immerse myself in some literary jargon. or something. i always get worried at the strangest moments.

hopskotch *skip*

it was a quiet evening when john and i stumbled into the yellow-blue-(and now red) building. on the school building some distance away a bible verse was etched across the top level - "Remember your creator all the days of your youth".

the covered play area (or as i always thought - the cupboard play area...terrible listening i had) was spotless, and the sticky flubber thing from primary three - that had been tossed upward by some mischief - was gone. many things were gone. but this was still a part of me. it was where i took those first formative steps toward schooling life. and here i was again. many years down. the past and present seemed to converge, as i took john down for a walk down memory lane.

the hopskotch boxes were available - whipping out the old wallet (always works), and john whipping out, first cheesy (to which i declined) then a couple of 'miaow' sweets, we began a round of innocent hopping. a real trip back to the old times, when such games - together with police and thief, pepsi cola 1 2 3, kuti-kuti (and more) fascinated our young minds. and they still do, now and then they still do. (:

and there. the school was different now. but yes, there's always a part that doesn't change and that remains forever and ever, and that part is in all our hearts. our minds. and our memories. these things don't fade.

memories. of 1D class fight, innocent barricades made of piles of school bags, artillery in the form of paper balls, confrontation with plastic files, and i got punished. another time, a second punishment, for harassing the girl who sat next to me in P2, for poking her pencil case and stationery. what a naughty boy i was. but it was fun. and memorable.

memories. of friends. teachers. and all who made a difference. and now. one day. maybe one day. our paths will cross again.

we had to climb over the gate later. they locked us out. (: john would fondly recall (:

and there. another bout of nostalgia. like tim always does. again and again. thank God for all the times He has been faithful (:

itchy calamine lotion

like an excommunicated leper i sat aside from the rest on that little venture after youth retreat. youth retreat had been a real refresher - the many hours of rest, recreation and just chat, it all helped to reawaken a tired body - but there were many missed opportunities. so many, and i wish, i wish i had not let them go, i wish i had spoken more to the youths, that i had spent less time on the people i was comfortable with. sigh. but such were the things.

and that day upon returning. it was rather. there was some dilemma. eventually the decision was made. yup at least i got little cheesy-kins back. thanks Kenneth. that day made me realize again that there was one person who deserved my love most, and that was God.

sitting in the multistory carpark on a rainy afternoon. waiting for the thunder to subside (i so fear lightning), there were tears, but not much, still there were tears. i needed to rediscover God again. and yesterday, was a little sine curve, maybe of greater amplitude and given a horizontal stretch of factor half or so, but it was a sine curve. and in a flash of events (much like lightning), emotions went from up to down to up to down to up to down and it was nauseous.

ah ok i don't feel like going on. later.

fippo abduction

sitting alone in front of the computer. typing again. on this hot afternoon - reminiscent of the many many in ChongQing - without dear cheesy by my side (yes John Tay you better return her quick quick). days have gone by like a flash - after many days of wah chee lunches, cramming studies into this little mind of mine, taking time out to spend with friends, countless hours in the quiet zone of the NUS library - finally there is time to take stock again.

what amazes me is how quickly we forget our heavenly existence sometimes. yesterday i just sat down after a long day of studies and worry - and i pondered. pondered. pondered. and pondering culminates in the realization that we need to spend more time with God - we are really not home yet. I recall an old song by Christian rock band Petra that went something like this:

we are pilgrims, in a strange land
we are so far, from our homeland
with each passing day it seems so clear
this world will never want us here
we're not welcome in this world of wrong
we are foreigners who don't belong

we are strangers, we are aliens
we are not of this world

we are envoys, we must tarry
with this message we must carry
there's so much to do before we leave
with so many more who may believe
our mission can never fail
and the gates of hell will not prevail!

we are strangers, we are aliens
we are not of this world

Jesus told us men would hate us
but we must be of good cheer
He has overcome this world of darkness
soon we will depart from here

so far from our homeland. yet sometimes i realize how easily we get caught up with the things of this world - how we start planning for our futures that are so distant, how we start speculating the events of years to come (and perhaps even tomorrow), how we take for granted the existence of tomorrow; how we worry and get anxious about things that won't happen any time sooner.

and we get satisfied with the world so easily - happy with the many things around us - that we forget that there's still so much to do. we are envoys, we must carry the message of Christ to those around us! urgently! urgently! i think, the danger is settling for satisfaction.

and yesterday i knelt and realized that i had done quite little (nothing perhaps) that was eternally significant in a long while.

maybe it was the lack of opportunity; but perhaps i had not prayed hard enough for opportunity.

sigh. i tried. the email to ChongQing couldn't make it ):

pray for more passion. more urgency. set our minds on things above (:

we are not home yet friends.

to those in the dumps

just finished a cup of mcgee mee (yum, economics is always yummy, and dinner had to be brief given scarce amount of resources); another day at home, needless to say i (in the words of xl) ditched my fellow primers/S2s today for the studious pursuits. sigh. i can't say i don't feel bad, but i have learned to say no, simply because not doing so would hurt oneself sometimes. BB debrief today was also short, and i finally got the econs textbook (usefulness is questionable though) - with no sneaky two dollar notes (:

and this post is for all those (and they're all around) sitting on that pile of rubbish, down in the dumps, and searching for a way out. maybe it seems this comes from a higher vantage point, but well, don't take it that way. hey we all have our sine curves on this ride of life, maybe we're just on the wrong side of it now. but like all periodic trigonometrical curves, we'll get to the peaks one day.

it seems now. that nothing seems to work out. you can't seem to just leave it all behind. maybe it comes back to haunt you - in some incessant dream, some figure you meet every day, some figment of your imagination - but you really, really have to leave it behind. and pass it on to Jesus. maybe it was a regretful decision, but what's there to do now? just learn from the past, and ask God for wisdom to lead you on in the future. carry on now. carry on.

we all go through struggles. we all fall. but the difference comes with our reaction to that fall. are we going to sit and wait for the apple to fall on our head? or are we going to pick ourselves up and run on - ok not pick ourselves up, but trust God to give us that strength to do so.

some ask why such things happen. why does God make Christianity difficult? why does God allow for trials? remember that encouragement from the bible, James even opens his letter with this admonishment:

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

yup. that's it. trials are meant to shape us and harden us and teach us lessons. God doesn't want to torment us, in fact it hurts Him to see us hurt. but He loves us, and longs to bring us closer to Him, and what better way - yes though this is arguable - than through the testing of our faith. to realize that we need to draw closer to Him, that we are weak and He is so very strong!

(maybe this all sounds all too familiar. but it's the truth. just meditate upon it, and it becomes clear!)

Trust and obey my friends. there's no other way. to be happy in Jesus (:

and true joy comes from knowing that we're living in God's way. remember that. and rejoice through the happy and the sad.

and remember this. for when I'm sad....i'll need a reminder too (:

okazaki fragments

work has taken its toll on me. need to go out for a walk.

a walk in the park perhaps. but the sun's a tad bit too hot. could someone get the air-conditioner working around here please? Singapore's on perpetual heater status, and the sun never seems to go down. home's our refuge from the sun. but home too is a chicken coop. and i'm starting to feel - claustrophobic.

need to get out. to where the woods are. a walk in the woods. the yellow paths that diverge, the leaves that carpet the loamy soil, the birds that tweet and chirp in one accord, and the acorns that descend with every advancing step. need to get away to some place like that. where powdery snowflakes would bring relief to this overheated mind of mine. but for now, marshmallows suffice. somehow.

the only canned soup nearby - for the boost of energy - is one sinisterly known as 'campbell'. except opening it yields no reward, no comfort, no mushroom delightful surprise, just words upon words of campbell (and reese) and biology. pooey. you never thought tim could make a fuss over work. i don't make much sense when i'm tired i guess.

whatever happened to those serious contemplative posts? maybe when i have more free time. maybe. for now. it's just this messy state of affairs. need to get a bath. maybe. it's too hot.

and next. for chemistry. bon voyage. to (sum to infinity) and beyond!

maybe just maybe. what we all need now. is some true bonding. we all need to breathe. remember our true function in life. time is scarce. make the most of it i guess. and spend time with God please. all of you.

the colours of the wind

can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

certain things i lack the determination to complete. WOW reflections are but such a chore given circumstances, sometimes there's simply too much to say but too little time to share. something's bursting out from within, i simply can't contain the joy, but i guess a great amount of joy doesn't have to mean an endless post of words. LDC and WOW have left me simply speechless. the holidays have been filled with an unspeakable joy - one that is hardly marred by the onset of studies and homework.

somehow, work seems but a distant thought now, as distant as that brightest star every night (yes if you look carefully you'll always find the same one); just want to sing, sing the highest song ever; just want to gaze on and thank God for every moment He has blessed me with. maybe easing up was the right thing to do after all.

sleepless nights in LDC, sincerest prayers and worship, an unforgettable hike with a band of Sec3s who just kept going, and on the last day - that gift of salvation, it came in a pair, from our Lord Jesus Christ.

rum rum tum tum. strum strum the guitar. lunch was just mum mum. yum yum (:
thanks for the chewy (chewy chewy chewy ommmph ba ba) mochi (:

ah why am i over the moon. why. you silly fool. there's exams, there's Chinese A2 homework. there's so much stress, so much to do, so little time, and you're wasting it on an equally wasteful blog post that is going nowhere. you silly rambutan (ah canned fruit), nothing productive done at all. there's everything to be stressed, everything to be worried and sad about.

but somehow. there's still a smile on the face (:, if not the face, then in the heart (:

and i do hope this smile stays strong. and that it's one that's propped up by the gracious hands of God. (look Ma no hands!)

i suppose. usually i would try to blog everything, every moment of the camps and the WOW. but i think, i have given up. really. it's there in the mind, for an eternity, and certain emotions, certain feelings, to post them, would be to dilute them to a point of blandness.

and picture paints a thousand words. more than a thousand this time. a million perhaps. just so many many words that tell so many many stories.

and i'm like a child. sitting at the feet of the old storyteller, reliving every moment of this blessed life.

WOW Worship: Of Bibles and Bones

somehow, in this short window of time that i have salvaged, the story continues, but perhaps not for long, seeing that LDC beckons, pre-camp demands our presence and i shall have to leave quite soon. with biology swirling around within the mind, ATP supply just replenished over lunch, i shall now attempt to continue this miraculous story of grace (gosh why have i even expended time and effort on this introductory paragraph...)

forgot the last time to mention the name of this blessed school, this school that we weren't supposed to go to, and only by chance (or miracle, whichever you prefer), a roadblock meant that we had to change course, and so end up in this school - 天赐学校. for all the Chinese illiterate (i trust not many), that would mean 'sky-given', or in our Christian perspective case, 'God-given'. What a blessed name! a school commissioned by God, given by God; perhaps the students never realised the significance, but for us there, the implication was clear. and God, yes God was going to work! some way or another.

and the second day commenced with organizing the library, at least for a few chums such as John Tay, Deon, Benlee, I and a few others. Deon, with great precision started to write out sticky identification tags to paste on the sides of the books whilst the rest of us stood around and waited for further instruction. the library was a small enclosed space, perhaps about half the size of a regular room in Singapore, the cabinets lining the perimeter of that tiny space containing shelf upon shelf of Chinese books; later on, i adjourned for a moment to help in the painting work being done in the neighbouring room

in case memories of the previous days' painting ensue, it wasn't furniture painting this time, but actual what-we-do-in-art-class painting; thin sheets of mahjong paper, a few pencils (sharpened with jack knives) and colored paints that never seemed to mix properly; i found myself working alongside Alvin and Hadi, quite a humorous pair, and they enlisted my help in drawing - lo and behold, a unicorn.

I didn't really know how a unicorn was like, so i tried to draw a horse and somehow managed to sketch a horn upon the top of its head. the juxtaposition of horn and horse wasn't quite perfect but will do will do, seeing that it all fell into that theme of fairytale - yes there was Alvin's giant carrot, a rather out of place pikachu (yes i remembered how to draw pokemon from primary school!), flying balloons, flying pigs, angels adorned with halos standing upon a skyscraper. and everything had wings.

we wanted to tell them, to soar and pursue whatever their dreams were

the second piece of art was equally fantastic - or at least it was meant to be - the 12 animals of the zodiac were sketched - but the children kept laughing at our inability to draw realistically; maybe the tiger did look like a kitty cat, the snake looked like a worm, the dragon was all black (yup, spilled calligraphy ink haha), the monkey was a stick figure, and the pig had sunglasses; but laughter was all that mattered. At the end of it, we topped it up with a chalk fight, grating chalk into chalk dust, tossing and rubbing it off on each other. that was my morning;

but something wonderful was happening in the library

John Tay sneaked behind Benlee as Benlee provided the necessary cover (though i never knew Benlee, with his relatively thin figure, could provide that much blockage); they slipped about six Gideon bibles into the library that day, sandwiched between the Chinese books, camouflaged under the many others; and that was that. planting the seeds of the Gospel. but you might ask, what's the use? seeing that the bibles were in English. we asked the same question. and God would answer us in time to come.

the mass dance came up soon; we thought we were supposed to teach the children how to dance; but apparently we ended up simply doing it as a performance in front of the whole school. so yes, we walked on sunshine in front of the whole school, and did a pretty decent job. The break-dancers of course, decided to give their own rendition, which i didn't quite manage to pick up though i thought it was worth learning. nevermind. tim is no breaking material, i should just stick with being good old mugger boy tim.

later on; we were shocked. oh no. we had to come up with five more performances on the spot. yes. five (must have been the fitting relationship it had with us being in Year 5, nah maybe they just wanted to torment us, or maybe they loved us much, yes i think they loved us much); so we panicked, and somehow, we found a way to stand up under the pressure.

alright. we started with the hokey pokey, bought time for Mich, Sarina and Lucy (our lovely dancers!) to come up with a performance, which they executed quite delightfully; Eve, Benlee, Ben and I sang and harmonized the 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle' (yup yup!); The breakers gave a lovely rendition that saw Seb Chua in his coolest element (haha); our Kum-Ba-Yah and Amazing Grace practices didn't go to waste. and finally, we taught Twinkle Twinkle little star.

well. later. i sat in the sea of Year 9 girls. and was taught how to speak in ChongQing dialect! yes! they were all so enthusiastic. how wonderful." 好巴实！哇塞！" heh.

and the best was yet to come (in true ACSian style). here's the story:

as we watched the basketball match that afternoon, the girls surrounding me, it suddenly occurred to me that i should, i should remember these girls, for their bubbly antics, for their warmth and laughter; there were several cards in my haversack, and i opened the bag to take them out, asking the girls if i could get a signature or a short message written on these cards; needless to say, they obliged.

and whilst i opened the bag, they peered inside, and saw many books, and asked out of curiosity what these books were about. i stuck my hand in again, fished about among my card trick and secret book, to stumble upon the only Gideon bible i had. and i took it out, passed it to them, told them what it was. they grabbed it, with much excitement, opened it and saw that it was in English.

it was in English. their faces fell. but lighted up as they saw some familiar Chinese characters.

it was John 3:16 in Chinese. and as they read. i saw excitement, anticipation. but then they turned to me and said they didn't understand.

there and then, i saw the opportunity. and strangely, i had the courage (from God i suppose) to seize it. and i asked them about Christianity, and Jesus, they said they heard about Jesus before in History class, but didn't know much beyond that; there, I shared a 3 minute gospel, with my limited Chinese ability, but God provided the words - thankfully.

and there stared on in shock. they nodded. they knew what i was talking about. and they listened attentively. i think i realised at that time why God had allowed the girls to be drawn to me, not an ego-boost, not anything of that sort. but for that very moment.

and i told them to keep the bible. it came back to me later on.

i passed the bible to a guy named 胡健 from the same Grade 9 class, and asked him to pass it on to the girls, asked the girls to keep them. and i had told the girls that if any time they needed hope, they needed light, they could remember that verse from John 3:16. also, i left them some hope that somehow, a Chinese bible would make it to them. somehow.

and farewells followed. some hope glimmered in my heart. perhaps that made the farewell easier. but as i turned the final corner, and jumped and waved again, the girls waved back with the rest of my class and 胡健, and my heart sank a little, but was lifted again by God's work in that lovely school. i didn't cry. maybe i would have. but i didn't. somehow.

that night. we returned. and soon. the bone came.

but that's another story for another day. i'd best be off now, to polish, to pack, and to spend time with God before leaving. yup. see ya guys after LDC. may God keep the passion fresh in our hearts, and i hope God will work in LDC as well! (:

WOW Worship

plonked myself face-down on my mattress in the wee hours of the morning. what a run. wow. simply amazing. and like an athlete completing the final leg of the race, i stepped over the finishing line, and found myself in the soothing dream-world of the after-hours. how surreal, thinking back now, and many memories that can never be erased. woke up to reminiscence this morning, and the bittersweet scent of good ol' coffee...

DAY 1 -欢迎，欢迎，热烈欢迎！

a cold wind swept across our faces. we thought it was going to be hot. we were told it was going to be hot. hot like a wok. hot like Singapore. but it was 18 degrees centigrade that afternoon we arrived. after a grueling 5 hours in transit, we were slapped awake by that frosty wind. not to say we didn't enjoy it - Singaporeans always enjoy a cool breeze - we just didn't expect it.

half-shut eyes. i recall ending a late night farewell call and heading down to Changi Aiport at some unearthly hour. picking up a Jollibean (oh so jolly) and celebrating Alexander (the Great's) birthday. meeting up with familiar faces from those headed for Kunming, an air of warmth in the air - oh yes i recall giving Lua a nice big hug. our A div' had lost both Rugby and Tennis that day, but but, there was still a sense of happiness yes! like there always is!

so a China Eastern flight followed. and this leads us to the lovely bus ride up and down the Chongqing mountainside. yes. Chongqing, the land of mountains and valleys. of mist that shroud the hidden peaks and create an air of unsolved mystery. We slept away the bus ride, of course i frantically tried to cram in a few more card trick maneuvers but my brain wasn't working very well (perhaps it was the cold. it must have been). Our lovely tour guide introduced herself - Jasmine - the English wasn't perfect but we loved your company still!

and i talked to Alex about balloons - yes i heard 5.7's marvelous plans to doodle on balloons - so i suggested getting some balloons from China. somehow.

and there they were. as we entered. ironically. clapping with a balloon in each hand. we climbed up those steps lined with multicolored balloons, psychedelic, and the air was filled with the incessant chanting of "欢迎，欢迎，热烈欢迎!"...

a part of my heart sank. i wondered. who was being served. us or them?
and why. why had they put so much effort in for us?

there was a short introduction. Class chairman Daniel gave a (not bad for ACSian) introduction in Mandarin. yes and on that point. i shall speak a little on the language in that area

they spoke Chinese - like all Chinese people. and something struck me. that it was not for no reason that we were Singaporean. and bilingual for that matter. people like Evelyn and Hadi struggled, but most of us, we had attained a certain standard of Chinese over the years - and finally we could put it to use. The trip reminded me of Thailand, of Khon Kaen, except, now, I was able to communicate with every person effectively. and there was a reason behind it. from the first day. there was a reason behind it.

not much left. we returned to Tian Ti hotel. people had a time in the sulfurous hot spring. John Tay and I were faithful room mates. Benlee's guitar was safely tucked in a closet in the room. oh yes. the guitar - the 'A' string broke on the plane, and finally i found some use for the simple reef knot, and by God's grace, the guitar was repaired. yippee!

Devotions that night. it was short. it was small. the girls weren't allowed in by Madam's instruction. but i guess. it was a start. of many things to come.

DAY 2 - First Contact

the China flag was raised as the children stood at attention, eyes fixed on the red and yellow colors that were being propped upon a pole, some donned red scarfs as they placed their hands in a respectful salute. it was quiet. and solemn. but for a moment. soon, announcements were made, and we were off to our respective classes. my group - Mervyn, Alex, John, Benlee, Sankaran and I went off to the Grade 9 class with a stout man named Mr Hu.

a program had been prepared, aimed mostly at cross-cultural interaction. a round of introductions, there were so many Chinese names i couldn't catch. but i tried to introduce myself confidently - and even Sankaran yes. even Sankaran (who was suspected of being African) introduced himself in beautiful Chinese haha.

and the teacher. oh my. Mr Hu was smoking in class. in front of all the students. i felt quite sad. but i guess that's the way the village life is...):

silence ensued. i guess there's always this silence when it comes to interaction. especially among Chinese students - yes a common stereotype but observation tells me that Chinese people are just oh so shy. eventually, we decided upon a strange modification of pass the parcel, complete with the steady drumming of our hands upon the waist high wooden tables. as the rhythm accelerated the balloon was passed around frantically - till it landed in the hands of an unfortunate someone who had to make a presentation.

it began with some riddles, a couple of jokes, and eventually some girls who gave a shockingly great acapella singing performance (yes, including our dear 'Audrey girl' who i remember fondly dressed in a green blouse with yellow polka dots); and then it came to us. and for a moment we were just stumped. but as all clever Singaporeans (and one equally smart Malaysian), we chose to collude and came out with some presentations on the spot:

Benlee's classical guitar rendition of that (ah i can't remember the name) romance piece (that John Tay went mad over); Alex's rousing magic card performance (hmmm mine was yet to come i guess); and we wanted to sing a song, but the balloon never did return to us so that was a fortunate/unfortunate (i can't decide) thing.

later break came. and with break came table tennis. yes the story of table tennis must be told.

and there in the school, were two table tennis tables made of stone, yes made of stone. carved over the millions of years (ok i'm exaggerating here but you get the point). and the children congregate at these tables every break time for a time of fun and fellowship. badminton was equally popular among the kids, and it seemed that every child was occupied - those not engaging in sport looked on from the classroom block (in awe? in excitement?)

either way, they all seemed like pros - more so in the contrast that we so graciously provided. yes, we fumbled, we smashed wide, we missed the simplest returns, and eventually they decided to (in horrid Singlish) 'give chance'. so they 'gave chance' and we started to catch up a little till they decided to revert back to full force. which was sad. haha. oh well. John Tay had quite a run, and Benlee as well. but we were always ousted - eventually.

well i wanted to play as well. but eventually i got 'koped' for photo-taking. gosh. can u imagine 10 Chinese girls on your tail?! seriously, i was flattered (ok maybe not), but well, it was a little freaky, at least Alex was there to share the poster-boy moment and it wasn't that scary.

and i finally wielded my card tricks. and learned card terminology in Chinese. yay me! everyone was quite flabbergasted, though i felt i did the tricks rather...badly? haha.

returning to English class. i was democratically chosen (which means i didn't have a choice) to be the teacher. and i guess that only caused the girls to become stickier later on. we taught them stuff they already knew, and felt quite dumb for underestimating their capabilities, but still, i guess it was a meaningful time of laughing and sharing a few happy moments. i was quite the bubbly teacher i usually am, prancing along the blackboard (yes chalk and all), drawing rather strange illustrations, making silly gestures, but that's me. and i guess they remembered me as the clown. heh.

and we ended with the hokey-pokey. i don't really know what got into us. but we chose the hokey-pokey. ok it was MMS's (that's Maye, Mich and Sarina) idea, but well i think we pulled it off and the loved the part when it came to the butt. yup. shake it all around!

Painting was next. the corridors reeked of everything green and sticky (that's paint by the way). but with all painting - de-rusting preceded. Gosh. De-rusting. you know. Khon Kaen all over again. it was tough and all, we had our masks on to prevent brain damage from excessive rust inhalation (that was a common worry yes :P); and the most touching part was - all the children helped out, whether young or old. and they all came to paint to derust and simply to show moral support. so full of warmth, as we hurried up and down the stairs.

every stroke, a stroke of love.

and Chemistry came to life, i used organic solvent to wash the paint off! ok that was rather, out of point i guess. it wasn't the best paint job ever. but it was the heart that mattered? after everything, there were stains everywhere. stains on the stairs, on our clothes, on our faces, on our hair (ahahaha Maye you kena!). some others did gardening. but because the paint was green, we all ended up with green fingers. haha. haha. get it? green fingers? ok nevermind.

(and at this point. i shall carry on with the story that evening, in order to prevent a continuation of the bout of madness)

that night. we had our first devotion session as a class. the girls were permitted, we held it in Mervyn's room. the invitation was given. and so many came, albeit quite late they came, but still they came, and it was simply awesome. John and I led, sowed the seeds, told them the vision for this WOW, that we might bless the school, and also work on class unity - to mend the broken relationships if there were any. that night, we were surprised. Chen Min, Lucy were there, non-Christians, but they were present. Praise God.

and we taught the 'BB song', please Lord, bind our class together.

"You're my brother You're my sister, now take me by the hand...
...As long as there is love, we will stand"

a beautiful rhyming couplet, that echoed through the night.

(but i got scolded for exceeding lights out haha. but that didn't matter i guess. Day 3 was to come, and God would continue moving. yes!!)

to be continued. i promise i'll try