this wk has been hectic....the return of the past and the struggle with sin which i found out still dwells in me though i continually try to expel it. Fortunately (and hopefully), God forgives and God loves and God gives chances, many many many many chances. Thank you so much. I don't know why....but blog posts seem to be a sort of prayer to me sometimes...an assurance that i've been redeemed by God again...i just hope it's not false assurance....

guilt...not all guilt is REAL guilt....i dunno whether it's true...but after being forgiven i still feel guilt even though i shouldn't...i feel that God is still mad or sth....i dunno....it's gross sin, repeated sin that doesn't go away, surely it's enough reason for God to dump me altogether? Well to all those bearing the burden of guilt, make sure that you've confessed and earnestly repented, and after that any subsequent guilt feelings is probably just your consciense being over sensitive or the devil trying to make you stumble.

it's true, the more we serve God, the more trouble and temptations we run into. the exact same place that God brought me that gave me an opportunity to serve Him through playing piano (Causeway Point) was the exact root of many of my temptations at one time. God helped me overcome the temptations there, but elsewhere i still falter....i see improvements in my resistance....but not enough...resistance isn't as good as totally not doing the sin at all.

Well hopefully i'll get by, i just failed God again, confessed, hopefully earnestly....and i pray that God's face shines upon me again.

I wish there were a sign to warn me if my heart was growing cold or my conscience was hardening....coz nowadays i fell less guilty about my sin...2 reasons:

good reason: I am more assured of forgiveness and don't feel as guilty
bad reason: my heart is hardening....i'm deceiving myself

ahhh...it's tough being a Christian...all the sins you have to let go of....and i won't lie anymore...sins are pleasurable.....enjoyable....but we have to let go!