don't worry be happy

(: i must learn to smile more (:

people say i've been emoing around the IB block too much, with blue file in hand, i guess in a way, they aren't too far from the truth.

i need to start picking up more balls again

and be happy tim again

i need a shoulder too

God, i pray that somewhere in those everlasting arms, in that wide and merciful embrace, that you would reserve for me a special spot where i can just let everything go. i wonder why in this week alone, these once-parched eyes have been flooded with blind confusion, joyful sorrow, and hopeless despondency; as if symbolically representing the state of one's heart, the grey clouds gather in one final reunion, and with a roar of thunder and the splitting lightning, rain pours in gushes of stinging needles. and all i needed was a place of quiet refuge and comfort.

i'm better now. i always am when i'm alone with you Lord - the troubles seem to disappear - and the peace that comforts me always comes when you are near. but every time i leave just a moment from your comforting embrace, the torrent of darkness just seems so imposing once again. i know that i shall fear no evil for You are with me. and yet there are times when the sorrow of the world, and of all the other people in the world, seem too much for this innocent heart of mine to bear.

i wish Lord, that i could give up Your blessings sometimes, that i may just speak in truthful sincere empathy to those who are feeling down and out. yet i don't really know what i'm asking for - could i really just give it all up? but yet a part of me, always wishes that i were the sacrifice, that i could sacrifice myself for the happiness of all others'. and yet, people remind me so oft, that it seems to be the opposite. but why?

i questioned this once. that why give the man 10 talents and the other 5, why had you not given both the same? seven-point-five? and the one answer that came, was that to whom much was given, much was expected. i know Lord.

and yet - why is it that in trying to make everyone happy, one inevitably, unknowingly, causes pain to another?

i guess. it's both good and bad. that i'm not speaking in code this time.

and for the record. i'm ok. i just need Your guidance now Lord (:

re: fireac

it's been nine months. we had hopes. we had the passion raring to go. but where are we now? i don't know, recent happenings have resulted in mixed feelings - here a handful of disappointment, and yet those little glimmers of hopeful rays here and there. i don't know what to feel - optimistic or defeated. i just wish you wouldn't be so disappointed...cheer up ok? when faith in people fails, have faith in God. but don't give up on those the Lord has provided you. never give up and never even come close to disregarding them.

people have got distracted. work. relationships with others. just many many. me too. me too. it's slowed down many things. i wish too that these things hadn't come, that tiredness and weariness didn't exist, that distractions could just disappear. but they don't, and somehow, we've made it through so far. by God's grace.

i wonder. why you view things so different from the way i do. am i just blinded to some fact that you can so perceive? are we deluded with false hope? are we just in fact - dying and distracted? i don't know why i see opportunity and optimism, but you seem to have less of it - and more disappointment, and concerned that we may get more tired, and this and that. God wants to lead us somewhere, i don't know either, i wish i could tell you.

but God says to wait. i know you hate that word. but He will come. and when He comes, it's not because any of us did our best, it's not whether we failed or succeeded in the tasks that we were assigned. it's not because of our efforts - but because of His grace. and maybe all these failures and distractions thus far, would just amplify the fact that when God comes, He is great. not us.

i'm sorry, on behalf of many, if we've been tied down, and busified by the world. but we do try, and many of us still do harbor the hope within our hearts. i don't know if you'd call it eating drinking and sleeping revival, but we still do, we pray, we yearn, and we seek. this isn't to justify ourselves, this is to say, that be encouraged, there are still people fighting alongside you.

most importantly, let's stay together. for only in unity in Christ, can he be glorified. would he like to see us fragmented? would he like to see us giving up on each other? i doubt so. even the disciples failed Jesus, he kept them and taught them more. and he showed them the way. stick together and love each other, that the world may know what we love him.

please. for His sake. try to get over this soon (: we'll all be praying

people need the Lord

everywhere i look. every corner of the school, seems to be filled with joy and yet an unspoken amount of despair, of heartbreak and of depression.

why, with every turn of the head, one comes to a table where another sits alone ands stares into blank space - hair plastered down upon his forehead, lips arched into the uncomfortable shape of a frown, and lamenting the fact that love seems such a distant thought. and yet another, bitten by betrayal, by the hurting tinge of a friend's lie, struggling to find what is real in the world.

and yet more, who live and carry on in jest, yet their final fate to be in flames and darkness. the people who live day after day not seeing and not knowing the truth. why why why. Father I pray that you will come and work mightily this friday, not for our glory, for the sake of His sacrifice. we need more prayer, more of God in these lives.

me? i've been doing fine. i guess. (: lots of blessings. lots of joy. and lots of thinking. but I do need more and more of Him. work's been piling up. but somehow. we trust Him.

people need the Lord

he knows my name (:

how often do we just sit back. and reflect. and marvel and our Saviour's great love for each one of us. sometimes i struggle with the thought - that seemingly self-centered thought, that seemingly self-important though - that if i were the only person left on earth, Christ would still come down just the same and die for me, just so that i could return to His side at the end of time. and it's not just me, it's every single one of us. dearly loved.

Psalm 8. i used to marvel at that psalm. i still do.

when i think about the heavens, the moon and all the stars, i wonder what you ever saw in me...

He knew every one of us before we were born, He formed us, He picked your eyes, your nose, your features, your skin color, your gender, and He loved every part of it, it was perfect (: perfect in His sight. He gazes down on you day after day, wanting to love you and shower you with more and more of Himself.

everyone of us. is a gift. a gift from the almighty to our friends, family...ah (:

if you haven't started feeling special. it's time to realize that you are so important to Him. but not because we're great. but because He is everything (:

three balls

and off they go, tossed one by one into the air, we've tried it with apples before - yes a rather interesting event following a rather interesting meeting - and now it shouldn't get too difficult with the real thing - balls!! (: ah well. but the skills still need honing. they need to be improved. because, reality catches up with me, and perhaps there are more than one ball to tend to.

you see. this year has been one long juggling act. new balls have been introduced - some lonely, some lovely - old balls have to be remembered. and i'm afraid. i might have forgotten some on the way.

i don't want to let go of any. new or old. but maybe. i might have to some day. ah then which shall be the first to go ):

(at this point my comp starts to flicker uncontrollably. i'd best be off. ah)

eighteen is a nice number

and now. after three days straight of little work. but lots and lots of other stuff. i can truly stand and say. i am poofed.

i absolutely love God (ok so do a whole lot of us). i know work is important. but it feels like such a distant thought now. ah. i need to start for the finals. but my brain's not working. someone help me pick up the brain and plonk it back in again?

and thanks God. for everything. it's just been extremely tiring. but incredibly rewarding and blessed as well (: ahhhhh..balling (:

bin bin speaks again

this begins with a smile (:

it's not that i don't love you, it's just the opposite, i love you so much i can't seem to let go; that once the bin's been used, it doesn't mind being used, it's happy being used, and happy seeing all who are happy using it.

it's not that i've given up on you, on the contrary, i continue to hold on, because God says that the bin shall hold on, this labor of love shall not be in vain; because God says that there must be faith, and so the bin trusts that one day everything with you will be fine; because God says the bin must continue loving. and so it does, continue loving.

it's not that i've become emo myself, but i've just been a little tired, perhaps tired of being used, of the little abuses i've had to endure and that have built up over time; it's not that i'm asking for them to stop, by all means, continue, if it helps you out, continue. bins can take it. but bins do have feelings too. and if bin finally shuts its lid, i hope you'll understand why (:

but maybe bin does feel a little lonely at times. because it seems to spend time with the lonelier individuals in school. and as these lonelier individuals find new company, and finally break free of using the bin, bin watches on in joy; true joy. but somehow bin also wonders, what happens once all the bin-users break free? will bin then be all alone?

and that's that. the lid's still open (:

ah. meanwhile. i can't stand it. the drugs the drugs. ah the withdrawal symptoms are sometimes so difficult to understand. but so lovely in themselves. so happy. so sad. yet so happy.

boot laces

there's been so much more to pray for recently. thank goodness for National Day holidays, thank goodness for this well deserved rest break for most of us - unless of course you are like me and tend to give yourself work even though there is nothing to do (yes the wiser individuals have gone on to play 3 hours of star(edit!!)craft (excuse the blasphemy heh), or perhaps LAN after soccer, or simply bumming around) those are the wiser individuals, i'm just weird.

soccer simply brought back the old times like a whiff of strong nostalgic coffee.
the worship retreat simply reminded oneself of the importance of the heart in worship.
three times of ah balling in a week simply leaves one in an incredibly high state.
one hour QTs have been quiet, painful, loving, yet reassuring.
flickering computer screens have plagued me the entire week.
no work has driven me quite mad.

and the boot laces - we shall leave them in the hand of Him who knows best ya? (:

sometimes i wish - and i'm not sure if this is a bad wish - but that God would tell us something more than that call to trust in Him. yes we do trust in You for the future Lord. but could You not - in your abounding mercy - show us a portion of what steps to take and how to go about the future? or would that be too much for our human minds to comprehend?

collide

i often wonder this. and i shall now post from part of my secret (but now not so secret) journal:

i always feel that it's so strange that I can spend an hour with the Lord in the morning, yet completely leave Him aside for the rest of the day. It's something i regret about yesterday, yet something i really need His grace to overcome. I guess it's a real learning journey, this thing about maintaining a blossoming relationship with God. it's strange yet again that I really do feel I can't live a day without Him - if I miss QT, i feel really dry and thirsty on the inside - yet the moment I hit a certain 'quota', say that one hour of QT, i seem to forget Him and not feel bad about it until the end of the day. It's terrible, perhaps it's the way the world works, that makes you forget. But Lord I want to pray that You'll help me against this forgetfulness, teach me mindfulness, teach me how to think of You 24 hours a day.

and so yes. i wonder. i wonder. and i wonder. how to give God more of each day. and it went on, the post did go on. it went to something about text messages, and how we ought to send God text messages throughout the day and receive the little replies from Him. that's the way one builds up a relationship with Him. not just a simple concentrated time.

and yet. even spurious messages do not suffice. that simple concentrated time is required. You do need special time set aside. and you DO need special attention. recently, God has impressed upon me...to be mindful of the things above, and not be too caught up with the world. it's been heard many times, but it's oft forgotten. and i'm reminding myself as much as i hope to remind all those who come by this humble blog.

and this part is for dearest emil (and anyone else distressed):
don't fret (: God will always be there. and while i'm here i'll be your little punching bag to vent your frustrations, and your free state-of-the-art pinch dispenser to give you a little reminder. and whilst your struggles seem to be exclusive to you at times, they are not (: many other ppl - including silly me - do understand (: and we're here struggling together. in love. in unity

-- and so. we need to grow closer to God together. ah i need to pray for a heart for the people again. holidays get you so distracted. pah.

400

one would usually begin with a loud 'harumph!' (or equivalent sounds) and celebration would continue with virtual party poppers, cakes and various surprises. the room of '400th post celebrations' or so we all call it, and today, one would like to wish this blog a 'happy 400th post'. many years ago - ok only two and half - it began with a little boy with much angst - and perhaps it still it - a little more hardened, but a long way to go. 400 on this wonderfully auspicious 8/8 day. and so the room was opened, and many were welcomed to join the celebration...

but (well we all expected the but - it is me after all)

..why was it. when the door was opened. everyone seemed to be hiding? sitting alone in a circle of empty chairs, there was not a single stir in the air - save one's own breathing. and i wondered, where was everyone? really. where was everyone today?

pahpoopohpeh. i can't seem to think straight anymore. searching for Him who could satisfy everything. searching for that one guest that I would love to meet. and yet i continue to be alone. or maybe He's arrived - and i'm oblivious. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest - not to come. i don't know. i wouldn't know. and i don't want to know.

why is it. that when we climb to the highest point and look down - then reflection begins? why is it in the exhilarating climb upward, we never look back to take a breather for reflection. and when you reach the top...

you realise it's a long way down. (oh my who wouldn't have guessed that)

red box

the box was hollow. why hollow. i wonder. it began hollow. but only Someone could give it life.

so you have a box. coat it with layers of love; toss in snippets of joy; but is that enough to make it meaningful? is that enough to give it life - to cause animation? i don't know. maybe in the process of slapping on douses of love, there were little tinges of selfish that somehow found their way into the paint-jobs; maybe mixed with the little snippets of joy were snippets of foolishness; maybe. just maybe. but it made me think. again. reconsider.

hollow box. i'm sure the heart wasn't as hollow. but we all are mistaken at times. snipping away with the scissors at the many entanglements, trying to make little holes, lacing the box with furry bendy pipe things - and we found that snipping was never easy, making holes was even more difficult, but sometimes things simply had to be done.

people ask why all the talk in metaphors? why not just simply let everything out in plain language? but some things are best left described in images, in stories; some things are best left unspoken in plain language. can't help it sometimes. but then again - you all, stop thinking that the metaphors have deeper significances. maybe they're just...random (:

this 399th post is by far no emo post. no 399th post shall ever be emo. in fact, just the opposite; i'm been grateful, thankful, full of praise and full of love for the God who's blessed so greatly. it's just that - have i mentioned before - walking in joy (or is it happiness) is never easy as well.

i feel like just walking on a big (old belly) hill and watching the world go by

in pursuit of permanence

if one wonders why tim has been posting so faithfully and furiously these days, it's only because the 400th post is in sight! yes the dearest 400th post that will confer upon my (not so) dear blog the (dubious) honor of being a 400-post-monster. beat that! ok so people like fab have been there done that, but for me, that's a long way to have come.

i'm still searching. for the special something from You (i caps the you here to prevent any strange misinterpretations). but i long for more. You do know that nothing else can satisfy right? and not just me, so many of my friends too, longing for that touch from You. and You simply need to come and minister to us and touch us all. tmr Lord. tmr.

and i prayed yesterday. prayed hard. but it wasn't about me in the end. yes it was about you finding me. and not the other way.

the verse i saw, when i shifted my head to look at the quaint calender positioned high atop my table was James 5:7-8. a true encouragement. i wonder.

7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near.

so a call to wait. but for how long?

yes the balance - is to be thankful and yet not to be contented with the present; to desire more of Him yet not overlooking the little things that He has blessed you with. we His little children just need to trust Him more.

Pa? will you come visit us in a mighty way? (:

hide and seek

wait. count to 10. ready or not here i come!

the search begins with pure ecstasy - it is but a game after all - and deep down inside i know that you're not really lost, and that in the end we'll manage to get together. prancing about, looking high and low, every possible nook and cranny, no stone left unturned. with every growing moment the heartbeat accelerates. i do wonder where you've gone. but i know that i'll eventually find you.

the game resumes. i search on. but in vain. there were boundaries to this game after all... had we not set them into place? so you had to be somewhere. somewhere there. maybe that rendezvous point, maybe where we once shared the many moments together, maybe where you picked me out of the miry clay and took me from darkness into light. maybe where we had shared the light drizzle, basked in the gentle sunray's caress. maybe. but i've searched, and have not found you - not yet at least.

where are you?

and when i do find you. it is just but a little glimpse. and in a moment you disappear again - how did anyone run off so quickly? so the search persists. and i continue to look. growing a little impatient - a little worried. because not finding you is worrying. i thought it was just a game.

and i start to yell out your name. it echoes through the corridors, bounces off the walls, resonates in the empty caverns of the building. but there is no reply, save for my own voice, echoing in equal bewilderment. i thought it was just a game.

the game's up! or so i yell. but you do not appear. not yet. why the wait.

and eventually one gives in. settles for a little spot in the comfy corner. and just waits. waits for you to come. and you do - finally. you really do - and along with it all the joy and supplication and strength for everything ahead.

you did come. you found me. maybe it was me hiding all along.

you did come. and that made all the difference (: