four paos and three pratas

'encouragement' was the word that God struck my heart with this week; and with that fateful rock-paper-scissors game between Kenneth and Chng, came my first attempt at leading a week of FireAC. well. why encouragement?

Hebrews 10:24: "Let us consider how we may spur each other on in love and good deeds"

in the past week or so, somehow, through the many ups and downs, God has shown me the importance of encouragement, of being encouraged and encouraging others in return. in the short span of a week i've been through a whole myriad of emotions and sensations - lonely realizations, persistent frustrations, ecstatic highs, self introspective silence. and well, somehow, through the thick and thin, all i needed was the knowledge from God that He was still there.

i find. that sometimes, all we do need is assurance, and love, and a listening ear; it's not so much the medicine that heals someone, but the love emanated by the person giving the medicine, administering the care and concern (:

i try too hard sometimes, to encourage. it ends up being condescending, even on the brink of pride. sometimes. and i do pray that God will change that part in me - and in all who struggle to do the same thing.

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yes finally broke my pao fast. albeit on the wrong type of pao (hmph)

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and there's just something strange about me -

- this strange attraction toward things, no people, people who seem lonely, quiet, and who appear to have gone through some sort of psychological battle before, some sort of embitterment towards oneself - some sort of terrible struggle. some inevitable magnetism draws one toward them, and sometimes, just can't help feeling - that one needs to be there for them, to comfort them, to give them hope, and to give them love.

maybe that was why...

but one can't do everything. only Jesus can. only Jesus knows the way to a broken heart.

so teach me Lord. teach us all.

fairytale land

someone once told me that my life at present seemed like a fairytale - for many reasons - among which the perceived high grades, the seemingly smooth-sailing spirituality, the various accolades, the many friends, the lack of relational problems and all.

but here's to say. that i really am no Snow White, no Cinderella, no Belle of the ball, no Peter Pan; because, like everyone else, i'm just another person. no pumpkins for me to ride in, no youth that lasts for an eternity (ok maybe eternal life. but...), and definitely, no prince to kiss me on the cheek (: but that being said. people have this impression that i'm living a fairytale.

maybe persuasion isn't the best method to deal with this - rather, i'd like to direct all who feel so to look at the author of my life - God, my great Father in heaven, the greatest storyteller, the one who knew everything from the beginning, who's the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I'm only as blessed as He allows so. and every blessing He gives me, i'm infinitely thankful. and i deserve none of the honor.

it's strange, i look around me, and people seem to live in regrets, live in the emotional ups and downs, live in all kinds of broken dreams and hopes - and i'm not spared from these, it just seems less so sometimes, thank God again - but sometimes, i wish i could just take all the hurt of the world, so that the people around me could all be happy, could all have their dreams come true and could all smile (: I wish i could switch out of my 'happy life' and give it to everyone else - i'd rather be the only sad one...

I oft ask God: why give a man 10 talents and another 5, why not just 7.5 each?

but i realise i'm incapable of such a noble deed. but someone has already taken the hurt of all the world - Jesus (:

meditate on that (:

chemistry

so you have a bottle of reactants. these would ultimately react to form ---> products (:

energetics: tells you if the reaction is spontaneous
kinetics: the rate of reaction (how fast it proceeds)
equilibrium: the point of equilibrium, or the extent of products produced

i hate to 'sciencify' things; least of all things that have nothing to do whatsoever with logic, reasoning and scientific banter; but one must always upkeep that (false) intellectual appearance, and couple it with the necessary metaphors and images. ok i half feel not like posting this anymore. but i shan't let the fingers be trigger happy, we have gone so far, so why stop now.

something has changed in the mix; perhaps the forward reaction has been faster than the backward reaction and a new equilibrium point is being achieved. the rate of reaction though, is something that should be controlled, lest like 'fire and powder, as they kiss consume'. and the energetics problem is particularly difficult - how can one determine if the forward reaction is favorable, or spontaneous from the start?

there are many questions zipping now. but we shall have to zip up carefully (ok that doesn't make sense haha); i was told, that life, life isn't about analyzing and breaking things down into small little bits and pieces to examine; life isn't about prescribing little solutions to problems; that isn't life, life is just so random, so chaotic, so unpredictable - and yet God is in control.

now finally steering away from the silly science imagery. i shall just say what needs to be said:

smile (: and there's no need to be grieved or feel bad
pray (: and God will light the way
never stray (: from God's way that is
stay (: just the way we are

and now. i shall just put a little bookmark into this little book of mine. and hmmm. don't think too much don't think too much tim >< ahaha.

who's up for some math portfolio fun? (at this point i start to crumble mentally...)

happy birthday

this shall be a brief post. to keep the blog alive.

but happy birthday. thanks to all (:

for the arctic puppy (nanook!)
for the studious dog (timotheous!)
for the rowan atkinson toy
for the two dollar notes and deflated balloons (heh...it'll return (: )
for the many notes and letters
for the monster note book (i started using it!)
for the endless amount of cake cake cake!
for the surprising cards out of nowhere (silly ding dong you)
for the revamped ashlee (: (ediitttt sorry my dear emil)

and most importantly....for just being there (: the company was all i ever wished for

and now i pray. that God will help me live a life for Him. wholeheartedly. and completely guided by Him. that is the biggest wish. ever (: thanks for staying close even when it felt like You weren't there God. it's been a tough week. but You're faithful (:

i need a shoulder too

God, i pray that somewhere in those everlasting arms, in that wide and merciful embrace, that you would reserve for me a special spot where i can just let everything go. i wonder why in this week alone, these once-parched eyes have been flooded with blind confusion, joyful sorrow, and hopeless despondency; as if symbolically representing the state of one's heart, the grey clouds gather in one final reunion, and with a roar of thunder and the splitting lightning, rain pours in gushes of stinging needles. and all i needed was a place of quiet refuge and comfort.

i'm better now. i always am when i'm alone with you Lord - the troubles seem to disappear - and the peace that comforts me always comes when you are near. but every time i leave just a moment from your comforting embrace, the torrent of darkness just seems so imposing once again. i know that i shall fear no evil for You are with me. and yet there are times when the sorrow of the world, and of all the other people in the world, seem too much for this innocent heart of mine to bear.

i wish Lord, that i could give up Your blessings sometimes, that i may just speak in truthful sincere empathy to those who are feeling down and out. yet i don't really know what i'm asking for - could i really just give it all up? but yet a part of me, always wishes that i were the sacrifice, that i could sacrifice myself for the happiness of all others'. and yet, people remind me so oft, that it seems to be the opposite. but why?

i questioned this once. that why give the man 10 talents and the other 5, why had you not given both the same? seven-point-five? and the one answer that came, was that to whom much was given, much was expected. i know Lord.

and yet - why is it that in trying to make everyone happy, one inevitably, unknowingly, causes pain to another?

i guess. it's both good and bad. that i'm not speaking in code this time.

and for the record. i'm ok. i just need Your guidance now Lord (:

people need the Lord

everywhere i look. every corner of the school, seems to be filled with joy and yet an unspoken amount of despair, of heartbreak and of depression.

why, with every turn of the head, one comes to a table where another sits alone ands stares into blank space - hair plastered down upon his forehead, lips arched into the uncomfortable shape of a frown, and lamenting the fact that love seems such a distant thought. and yet another, bitten by betrayal, by the hurting tinge of a friend's lie, struggling to find what is real in the world.

and yet more, who live and carry on in jest, yet their final fate to be in flames and darkness. the people who live day after day not seeing and not knowing the truth. why why why. Father I pray that you will come and work mightily this friday, not for our glory, for the sake of His sacrifice. we need more prayer, more of God in these lives.

me? i've been doing fine. i guess. (: lots of blessings. lots of joy. and lots of thinking. but I do need more and more of Him. work's been piling up. but somehow. we trust Him.

people need the Lord

he knows my name (:

how often do we just sit back. and reflect. and marvel and our Saviour's great love for each one of us. sometimes i struggle with the thought - that seemingly self-centered thought, that seemingly self-important though - that if i were the only person left on earth, Christ would still come down just the same and die for me, just so that i could return to His side at the end of time. and it's not just me, it's every single one of us. dearly loved.

Psalm 8. i used to marvel at that psalm. i still do.

when i think about the heavens, the moon and all the stars, i wonder what you ever saw in me...

He knew every one of us before we were born, He formed us, He picked your eyes, your nose, your features, your skin color, your gender, and He loved every part of it, it was perfect (: perfect in His sight. He gazes down on you day after day, wanting to love you and shower you with more and more of Himself.

everyone of us. is a gift. a gift from the almighty to our friends, family...ah (:

if you haven't started feeling special. it's time to realize that you are so important to Him. but not because we're great. but because He is everything (:

eighteen is a nice number

and now. after three days straight of little work. but lots and lots of other stuff. i can truly stand and say. i am poofed.

i absolutely love God (ok so do a whole lot of us). i know work is important. but it feels like such a distant thought now. ah. i need to start for the finals. but my brain's not working. someone help me pick up the brain and plonk it back in again?

and thanks God. for everything. it's just been extremely tiring. but incredibly rewarding and blessed as well (: ahhhhh..balling (:

bin bin speaks again

this begins with a smile (:

it's not that i don't love you, it's just the opposite, i love you so much i can't seem to let go; that once the bin's been used, it doesn't mind being used, it's happy being used, and happy seeing all who are happy using it.

it's not that i've given up on you, on the contrary, i continue to hold on, because God says that the bin shall hold on, this labor of love shall not be in vain; because God says that there must be faith, and so the bin trusts that one day everything with you will be fine; because God says the bin must continue loving. and so it does, continue loving.

it's not that i've become emo myself, but i've just been a little tired, perhaps tired of being used, of the little abuses i've had to endure and that have built up over time; it's not that i'm asking for them to stop, by all means, continue, if it helps you out, continue. bins can take it. but bins do have feelings too. and if bin finally shuts its lid, i hope you'll understand why (:

but maybe bin does feel a little lonely at times. because it seems to spend time with the lonelier individuals in school. and as these lonelier individuals find new company, and finally break free of using the bin, bin watches on in joy; true joy. but somehow bin also wonders, what happens once all the bin-users break free? will bin then be all alone?

and that's that. the lid's still open (:

ah. meanwhile. i can't stand it. the drugs the drugs. ah the withdrawal symptoms are sometimes so difficult to understand. but so lovely in themselves. so happy. so sad. yet so happy.

boot laces

there's been so much more to pray for recently. thank goodness for National Day holidays, thank goodness for this well deserved rest break for most of us - unless of course you are like me and tend to give yourself work even though there is nothing to do (yes the wiser individuals have gone on to play 3 hours of star(edit!!)craft (excuse the blasphemy heh), or perhaps LAN after soccer, or simply bumming around) those are the wiser individuals, i'm just weird.

soccer simply brought back the old times like a whiff of strong nostalgic coffee.
the worship retreat simply reminded oneself of the importance of the heart in worship.
three times of ah balling in a week simply leaves one in an incredibly high state.
one hour QTs have been quiet, painful, loving, yet reassuring.
flickering computer screens have plagued me the entire week.
no work has driven me quite mad.

and the boot laces - we shall leave them in the hand of Him who knows best ya? (:

sometimes i wish - and i'm not sure if this is a bad wish - but that God would tell us something more than that call to trust in Him. yes we do trust in You for the future Lord. but could You not - in your abounding mercy - show us a portion of what steps to take and how to go about the future? or would that be too much for our human minds to comprehend?

collide

i often wonder this. and i shall now post from part of my secret (but now not so secret) journal:

i always feel that it's so strange that I can spend an hour with the Lord in the morning, yet completely leave Him aside for the rest of the day. It's something i regret about yesterday, yet something i really need His grace to overcome. I guess it's a real learning journey, this thing about maintaining a blossoming relationship with God. it's strange yet again that I really do feel I can't live a day without Him - if I miss QT, i feel really dry and thirsty on the inside - yet the moment I hit a certain 'quota', say that one hour of QT, i seem to forget Him and not feel bad about it until the end of the day. It's terrible, perhaps it's the way the world works, that makes you forget. But Lord I want to pray that You'll help me against this forgetfulness, teach me mindfulness, teach me how to think of You 24 hours a day.

and so yes. i wonder. i wonder. and i wonder. how to give God more of each day. and it went on, the post did go on. it went to something about text messages, and how we ought to send God text messages throughout the day and receive the little replies from Him. that's the way one builds up a relationship with Him. not just a simple concentrated time.

and yet. even spurious messages do not suffice. that simple concentrated time is required. You do need special time set aside. and you DO need special attention. recently, God has impressed upon me...to be mindful of the things above, and not be too caught up with the world. it's been heard many times, but it's oft forgotten. and i'm reminding myself as much as i hope to remind all those who come by this humble blog.

and this part is for dearest emil (and anyone else distressed):
don't fret (: God will always be there. and while i'm here i'll be your little punching bag to vent your frustrations, and your free state-of-the-art pinch dispenser to give you a little reminder. and whilst your struggles seem to be exclusive to you at times, they are not (: many other ppl - including silly me - do understand (: and we're here struggling together. in love. in unity

-- and so. we need to grow closer to God together. ah i need to pray for a heart for the people again. holidays get you so distracted. pah.

400

one would usually begin with a loud 'harumph!' (or equivalent sounds) and celebration would continue with virtual party poppers, cakes and various surprises. the room of '400th post celebrations' or so we all call it, and today, one would like to wish this blog a 'happy 400th post'. many years ago - ok only two and half - it began with a little boy with much angst - and perhaps it still it - a little more hardened, but a long way to go. 400 on this wonderfully auspicious 8/8 day. and so the room was opened, and many were welcomed to join the celebration...

but (well we all expected the but - it is me after all)

..why was it. when the door was opened. everyone seemed to be hiding? sitting alone in a circle of empty chairs, there was not a single stir in the air - save one's own breathing. and i wondered, where was everyone? really. where was everyone today?

pahpoopohpeh. i can't seem to think straight anymore. searching for Him who could satisfy everything. searching for that one guest that I would love to meet. and yet i continue to be alone. or maybe He's arrived - and i'm oblivious. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest - not to come. i don't know. i wouldn't know. and i don't want to know.

why is it. that when we climb to the highest point and look down - then reflection begins? why is it in the exhilarating climb upward, we never look back to take a breather for reflection. and when you reach the top...

you realise it's a long way down. (oh my who wouldn't have guessed that)

red box

the box was hollow. why hollow. i wonder. it began hollow. but only Someone could give it life.

so you have a box. coat it with layers of love; toss in snippets of joy; but is that enough to make it meaningful? is that enough to give it life - to cause animation? i don't know. maybe in the process of slapping on douses of love, there were little tinges of selfish that somehow found their way into the paint-jobs; maybe mixed with the little snippets of joy were snippets of foolishness; maybe. just maybe. but it made me think. again. reconsider.

hollow box. i'm sure the heart wasn't as hollow. but we all are mistaken at times. snipping away with the scissors at the many entanglements, trying to make little holes, lacing the box with furry bendy pipe things - and we found that snipping was never easy, making holes was even more difficult, but sometimes things simply had to be done.

people ask why all the talk in metaphors? why not just simply let everything out in plain language? but some things are best left described in images, in stories; some things are best left unspoken in plain language. can't help it sometimes. but then again - you all, stop thinking that the metaphors have deeper significances. maybe they're just...random (:

this 399th post is by far no emo post. no 399th post shall ever be emo. in fact, just the opposite; i'm been grateful, thankful, full of praise and full of love for the God who's blessed so greatly. it's just that - have i mentioned before - walking in joy (or is it happiness) is never easy as well.

i feel like just walking on a big (old belly) hill and watching the world go by

in pursuit of permanence

if one wonders why tim has been posting so faithfully and furiously these days, it's only because the 400th post is in sight! yes the dearest 400th post that will confer upon my (not so) dear blog the (dubious) honor of being a 400-post-monster. beat that! ok so people like fab have been there done that, but for me, that's a long way to have come.

i'm still searching. for the special something from You (i caps the you here to prevent any strange misinterpretations). but i long for more. You do know that nothing else can satisfy right? and not just me, so many of my friends too, longing for that touch from You. and You simply need to come and minister to us and touch us all. tmr Lord. tmr.

and i prayed yesterday. prayed hard. but it wasn't about me in the end. yes it was about you finding me. and not the other way.

the verse i saw, when i shifted my head to look at the quaint calender positioned high atop my table was James 5:7-8. a true encouragement. i wonder.

7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near.

so a call to wait. but for how long?

yes the balance - is to be thankful and yet not to be contented with the present; to desire more of Him yet not overlooking the little things that He has blessed you with. we His little children just need to trust Him more.

Pa? will you come visit us in a mighty way? (:

hide and seek

wait. count to 10. ready or not here i come!

the search begins with pure ecstasy - it is but a game after all - and deep down inside i know that you're not really lost, and that in the end we'll manage to get together. prancing about, looking high and low, every possible nook and cranny, no stone left unturned. with every growing moment the heartbeat accelerates. i do wonder where you've gone. but i know that i'll eventually find you.

the game resumes. i search on. but in vain. there were boundaries to this game after all... had we not set them into place? so you had to be somewhere. somewhere there. maybe that rendezvous point, maybe where we once shared the many moments together, maybe where you picked me out of the miry clay and took me from darkness into light. maybe where we had shared the light drizzle, basked in the gentle sunray's caress. maybe. but i've searched, and have not found you - not yet at least.

where are you?

and when i do find you. it is just but a little glimpse. and in a moment you disappear again - how did anyone run off so quickly? so the search persists. and i continue to look. growing a little impatient - a little worried. because not finding you is worrying. i thought it was just a game.

and i start to yell out your name. it echoes through the corridors, bounces off the walls, resonates in the empty caverns of the building. but there is no reply, save for my own voice, echoing in equal bewilderment. i thought it was just a game.

the game's up! or so i yell. but you do not appear. not yet. why the wait.

and eventually one gives in. settles for a little spot in the comfy corner. and just waits. waits for you to come. and you do - finally. you really do - and along with it all the joy and supplication and strength for everything ahead.

you did come. you found me. maybe it was me hiding all along.

you did come. and that made all the difference (:

crashed

when you zip too fast on the highway, sometimes all you need to do is pullover. you need to pullover to that doughnut stand by the street, pick up some tasty frosted ones, and spend a moment to be refreshed in the midst of the many evergreen trees that never seem to grow tired. you on the other hand, are filled with emptiness, fatigued, and simply need a break. stop speeding, lest you come crashing into the side lane.

spending too much time on the road, stepping too hard on the gas pedal, sometimes has it's repercussions, or so you finally realize. and the great God who created the world just tells you that you need a kit-kat, and you pullover at the petrol station - though the gas prices have gone up quite a bit - and do just that. the car's a gas-guzzler. you need a refill - don't want to burnout now do we?

and you begin to wonder why you've needed this break. what has demanded that gas from you all this past week that you've just gone at full speed and missed out on the many sights and sounds of nature. ah you start to think too much, and indulge in regret and nostalgia. and you start to wonder if spending all that time was worthwhile - the visit to the zoo, the visit to that play, the visit to all the little nitty gritty of th world. when all you needed was some rest.

but the great thing is. that God's been there in the backseat of your car all along, comforting and smiling at you all the way. but now it's time - for you, and me for that matter - to pass Him the keys and let Him take the wheel.

love

if we have ministered, spread the gospel, helped others in their problems, offered a listening ear, but have not loved, then we are but a resounding gong.

it's not about putting love into the activities we do, the ministry we carry out

paradigm shift:

it's about loving the people, then ministering as a natural outpouring, sharing the message as part of the act of love and compassion (:

everyday's a special day, with opportunities of it's own. open my eyes to see Lord.

and there's still so much for me to learn. need to pray more. trying not to cross the line again (:

tears

agonize. i pray that God teach us how to agonize for those who are unsaved. how to simply cry out for them. and that morning in the lt, during REW followup for the lower sec, i remembered those little crystal orbs streaming down, sparingly, but still enough - enough to feel the pain and agony of Jesus, enough to let me know that God is real.

tears again. onion peeling makes tearing inevitable. but why do we go on peeling sometimes? it puzzles me. maybe there's some happiness in it all - and that's tears too. hope the onion got a pleasant surprise from all today - to know that onions are dearly loved....the gardener and all (: yes yes. and the many layers. one day (: haha ok. i think i'm talking nonsense again.

been reminded time and again. that tears aren't always bad. happy and sad. just like life. just part and parcel of that journey called life.

when one is loved. one just lets the tap loose. drenched in joyful tears.

when passions mount

right now. Christians all over the world are praying; news of the 23 Korean brothers and (mostly) sisters who have been taken hostage by the Taleban has spread like wildfire - across the technological realm, through messenger, sms - and now people all over the world are praying, for a powerful intervention by God. for a first time, perhaps the spiritual realm has never seemed more apparent, more bigger than our little personal spheres. and we pray, for a mighty God to intervene. last night's prayers were answered - the deadlines delayed, what next.

sometimes, in this time and age, we ask 'Where is God?'; we see the many wars, the bloodshed, the merciless killings, and in all honesty, we ask 'Where is God?' - we cannot simply say 'it's ok.' - how can the death of so many innocent lives be a flippant 'ok'. So where is God, why doesn't He seem to be in control? why all the suffering, why the torrent of tyranny and anarchy?

but here's the truth. God is in control. there are two sides to this coin. He has an appointed time for everything - an appointed time for the reign of evil, as much as an appointed time for the defeat of all the evil forces of the world. He is in control, watching, and there are reasons behind everything He determines. The whole world is in His hands.

We can't be over optimistic - over naive; yet we cannot be defeatists, we cannot simply succumb to the fear and uncertainty. here's the verse that sums it up, before Jesus leaves His disciples, He says that they will face much trouble in the world:

"But take heart, I have already overcome the world" (John 16)

what a promise. what a comfort.

and we pray on.

to make a difference

a long time has passed since time has allowed me to post on this little online (not so private) diary of mine; whether it's been the jia(1) that i've had to stuff into my head, or the BB cares and the balloons we've had to pump and twist (and pop), or simply late nights involving more headaches and reading and aefs and stuff, it has taken up time, and finally there is an avenue for some reflection. in solitude. again.

tamada, to make a difference, finally set out on friday, with our counterparts EatXL and Sparta; and i must say that though there were no radical changes, we were claiming ground, and God was going to move, we simply had to pray that He would provide the breakthrough. no shortcuts when it comes to this, just lots and lots of faith. i pray that we'll hear His voice clearly, sometimes i still doubt whether it's Him i hear, but i trust it is. Pslams 32:8 again. thanks Lord.

and balloon twisting for the old folks. i guess it was a strange day. not to mention a rainy one. but it was one full of many twists and turns as well. eventually, we left having been uplifted as much as the old folks had been cheered up by the many smiles and squeaky dog balloons. and i had my startrek balloon hat, which did not pop this time (the last time emil had to assault with a pencil)

and east coast today. was just the wind in your hair. the sun on your face. and the company of cousins and friends. simple yet pristine moments.

there's much to be thankful for. so i shall end here and smile (: