four paos and three pratas

'encouragement' was the word that God struck my heart with this week; and with that fateful rock-paper-scissors game between Kenneth and Chng, came my first attempt at leading a week of FireAC. well. why encouragement?

Hebrews 10:24: "Let us consider how we may spur each other on in love and good deeds"

in the past week or so, somehow, through the many ups and downs, God has shown me the importance of encouragement, of being encouraged and encouraging others in return. in the short span of a week i've been through a whole myriad of emotions and sensations - lonely realizations, persistent frustrations, ecstatic highs, self introspective silence. and well, somehow, through the thick and thin, all i needed was the knowledge from God that He was still there.

i find. that sometimes, all we do need is assurance, and love, and a listening ear; it's not so much the medicine that heals someone, but the love emanated by the person giving the medicine, administering the care and concern (:

i try too hard sometimes, to encourage. it ends up being condescending, even on the brink of pride. sometimes. and i do pray that God will change that part in me - and in all who struggle to do the same thing.

---

yes finally broke my pao fast. albeit on the wrong type of pao (hmph)

---

and there's just something strange about me -

- this strange attraction toward things, no people, people who seem lonely, quiet, and who appear to have gone through some sort of psychological battle before, some sort of embitterment towards oneself - some sort of terrible struggle. some inevitable magnetism draws one toward them, and sometimes, just can't help feeling - that one needs to be there for them, to comfort them, to give them hope, and to give them love.

maybe that was why...

but one can't do everything. only Jesus can. only Jesus knows the way to a broken heart.

so teach me Lord. teach us all.

beautiful irony

our hearts remained as one,
together - on the carousel called life;
and when winter blew its frosty song
we knew - to sing along

what's in a beautiful irony?

it's in the spoken silences
in the happy-sadness
in simple complexity
in sweet sorrow
just...
in (:

fairytale land

someone once told me that my life at present seemed like a fairytale - for many reasons - among which the perceived high grades, the seemingly smooth-sailing spirituality, the various accolades, the many friends, the lack of relational problems and all.

but here's to say. that i really am no Snow White, no Cinderella, no Belle of the ball, no Peter Pan; because, like everyone else, i'm just another person. no pumpkins for me to ride in, no youth that lasts for an eternity (ok maybe eternal life. but...), and definitely, no prince to kiss me on the cheek (: but that being said. people have this impression that i'm living a fairytale.

maybe persuasion isn't the best method to deal with this - rather, i'd like to direct all who feel so to look at the author of my life - God, my great Father in heaven, the greatest storyteller, the one who knew everything from the beginning, who's the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I'm only as blessed as He allows so. and every blessing He gives me, i'm infinitely thankful. and i deserve none of the honor.

it's strange, i look around me, and people seem to live in regrets, live in the emotional ups and downs, live in all kinds of broken dreams and hopes - and i'm not spared from these, it just seems less so sometimes, thank God again - but sometimes, i wish i could just take all the hurt of the world, so that the people around me could all be happy, could all have their dreams come true and could all smile (: I wish i could switch out of my 'happy life' and give it to everyone else - i'd rather be the only sad one...

I oft ask God: why give a man 10 talents and another 5, why not just 7.5 each?

but i realise i'm incapable of such a noble deed. but someone has already taken the hurt of all the world - Jesus (:

meditate on that (:

to shannetta mists

no one is supposed to know the significance of this post except you my dearest dearest comrade (: but tis' just the little reply you told me not to compose. yet i persist:

-- love is a commitment, it's not a feeling, it's not that warm fuzzy sensation we get in romantic movies and such --- love is a choice. and yes, you got that right, i chose to love you (:

the rifts were always there, they were inevitable, interests aside, i guess we didn't have much in common, and there was always that same gulf that was felt - on the phone, in school, anywhere. the rifts just became more apparent. that's all. and it's ok, because the rifts sometimes make everything better (:

i'm really glad you found your niche. partially my fault for withdrawing - and i did, because 2007 brought a whole host of new problems and new struggles, and i chose to find solace in new company - but like you said, maybe it's for the better.

i just want you to know though. that no matter what. when you need a friend, i'll be there. i'll be a shoulder for you to cry on, i'll be the silent friend who patiently waits beside you when you cut the rest of the world off. at least for now - for the remaining of what's left in school.

when i said i missed you. i really meant it. because somehow one part of me regretted pulling away, as my affections and feelings were drawn toward others; i really regretted it. not just you, but many of my old pals as well. there was this day in class, i simply broke down and cried, the thunder roared outside, and i felt so lonely inside, and i was afraid -- afraid of losing all my old friends.

but i'm glad. and thank God for you still. (:

and i guess we know what will happen when we leave school; i used to think we would keep in touch forever and ever. but gradually, i guess i start to realise the reality of things - and that tells me that we will eventually lose touch, whether we like it or not - it's an inevitability that i'm not afraid to admit - but remember, that when we see each other in heaven - please give me a knowing smile? (:

who cares about rifts? we have an eternity to make up one day (:

in His love,
tim

i need a shoulder too

God, i pray that somewhere in those everlasting arms, in that wide and merciful embrace, that you would reserve for me a special spot where i can just let everything go. i wonder why in this week alone, these once-parched eyes have been flooded with blind confusion, joyful sorrow, and hopeless despondency; as if symbolically representing the state of one's heart, the grey clouds gather in one final reunion, and with a roar of thunder and the splitting lightning, rain pours in gushes of stinging needles. and all i needed was a place of quiet refuge and comfort.

i'm better now. i always am when i'm alone with you Lord - the troubles seem to disappear - and the peace that comforts me always comes when you are near. but every time i leave just a moment from your comforting embrace, the torrent of darkness just seems so imposing once again. i know that i shall fear no evil for You are with me. and yet there are times when the sorrow of the world, and of all the other people in the world, seem too much for this innocent heart of mine to bear.

i wish Lord, that i could give up Your blessings sometimes, that i may just speak in truthful sincere empathy to those who are feeling down and out. yet i don't really know what i'm asking for - could i really just give it all up? but yet a part of me, always wishes that i were the sacrifice, that i could sacrifice myself for the happiness of all others'. and yet, people remind me so oft, that it seems to be the opposite. but why?

i questioned this once. that why give the man 10 talents and the other 5, why had you not given both the same? seven-point-five? and the one answer that came, was that to whom much was given, much was expected. i know Lord.

and yet - why is it that in trying to make everyone happy, one inevitably, unknowingly, causes pain to another?

i guess. it's both good and bad. that i'm not speaking in code this time.

and for the record. i'm ok. i just need Your guidance now Lord (:

re: fireac

it's been nine months. we had hopes. we had the passion raring to go. but where are we now? i don't know, recent happenings have resulted in mixed feelings - here a handful of disappointment, and yet those little glimmers of hopeful rays here and there. i don't know what to feel - optimistic or defeated. i just wish you wouldn't be so disappointed...cheer up ok? when faith in people fails, have faith in God. but don't give up on those the Lord has provided you. never give up and never even come close to disregarding them.

people have got distracted. work. relationships with others. just many many. me too. me too. it's slowed down many things. i wish too that these things hadn't come, that tiredness and weariness didn't exist, that distractions could just disappear. but they don't, and somehow, we've made it through so far. by God's grace.

i wonder. why you view things so different from the way i do. am i just blinded to some fact that you can so perceive? are we deluded with false hope? are we just in fact - dying and distracted? i don't know why i see opportunity and optimism, but you seem to have less of it - and more disappointment, and concerned that we may get more tired, and this and that. God wants to lead us somewhere, i don't know either, i wish i could tell you.

but God says to wait. i know you hate that word. but He will come. and when He comes, it's not because any of us did our best, it's not whether we failed or succeeded in the tasks that we were assigned. it's not because of our efforts - but because of His grace. and maybe all these failures and distractions thus far, would just amplify the fact that when God comes, He is great. not us.

i'm sorry, on behalf of many, if we've been tied down, and busified by the world. but we do try, and many of us still do harbor the hope within our hearts. i don't know if you'd call it eating drinking and sleeping revival, but we still do, we pray, we yearn, and we seek. this isn't to justify ourselves, this is to say, that be encouraged, there are still people fighting alongside you.

most importantly, let's stay together. for only in unity in Christ, can he be glorified. would he like to see us fragmented? would he like to see us giving up on each other? i doubt so. even the disciples failed Jesus, he kept them and taught them more. and he showed them the way. stick together and love each other, that the world may know what we love him.

please. for His sake. try to get over this soon (: we'll all be praying

boot laces

there's been so much more to pray for recently. thank goodness for National Day holidays, thank goodness for this well deserved rest break for most of us - unless of course you are like me and tend to give yourself work even though there is nothing to do (yes the wiser individuals have gone on to play 3 hours of star(edit!!)craft (excuse the blasphemy heh), or perhaps LAN after soccer, or simply bumming around) those are the wiser individuals, i'm just weird.

soccer simply brought back the old times like a whiff of strong nostalgic coffee.
the worship retreat simply reminded oneself of the importance of the heart in worship.
three times of ah balling in a week simply leaves one in an incredibly high state.
one hour QTs have been quiet, painful, loving, yet reassuring.
flickering computer screens have plagued me the entire week.
no work has driven me quite mad.

and the boot laces - we shall leave them in the hand of Him who knows best ya? (:

sometimes i wish - and i'm not sure if this is a bad wish - but that God would tell us something more than that call to trust in Him. yes we do trust in You for the future Lord. but could You not - in your abounding mercy - show us a portion of what steps to take and how to go about the future? or would that be too much for our human minds to comprehend?

collide

i often wonder this. and i shall now post from part of my secret (but now not so secret) journal:

i always feel that it's so strange that I can spend an hour with the Lord in the morning, yet completely leave Him aside for the rest of the day. It's something i regret about yesterday, yet something i really need His grace to overcome. I guess it's a real learning journey, this thing about maintaining a blossoming relationship with God. it's strange yet again that I really do feel I can't live a day without Him - if I miss QT, i feel really dry and thirsty on the inside - yet the moment I hit a certain 'quota', say that one hour of QT, i seem to forget Him and not feel bad about it until the end of the day. It's terrible, perhaps it's the way the world works, that makes you forget. But Lord I want to pray that You'll help me against this forgetfulness, teach me mindfulness, teach me how to think of You 24 hours a day.

and so yes. i wonder. i wonder. and i wonder. how to give God more of each day. and it went on, the post did go on. it went to something about text messages, and how we ought to send God text messages throughout the day and receive the little replies from Him. that's the way one builds up a relationship with Him. not just a simple concentrated time.

and yet. even spurious messages do not suffice. that simple concentrated time is required. You do need special time set aside. and you DO need special attention. recently, God has impressed upon me...to be mindful of the things above, and not be too caught up with the world. it's been heard many times, but it's oft forgotten. and i'm reminding myself as much as i hope to remind all those who come by this humble blog.

and this part is for dearest emil (and anyone else distressed):
don't fret (: God will always be there. and while i'm here i'll be your little punching bag to vent your frustrations, and your free state-of-the-art pinch dispenser to give you a little reminder. and whilst your struggles seem to be exclusive to you at times, they are not (: many other ppl - including silly me - do understand (: and we're here struggling together. in love. in unity

-- and so. we need to grow closer to God together. ah i need to pray for a heart for the people again. holidays get you so distracted. pah.

400

one would usually begin with a loud 'harumph!' (or equivalent sounds) and celebration would continue with virtual party poppers, cakes and various surprises. the room of '400th post celebrations' or so we all call it, and today, one would like to wish this blog a 'happy 400th post'. many years ago - ok only two and half - it began with a little boy with much angst - and perhaps it still it - a little more hardened, but a long way to go. 400 on this wonderfully auspicious 8/8 day. and so the room was opened, and many were welcomed to join the celebration...

but (well we all expected the but - it is me after all)

..why was it. when the door was opened. everyone seemed to be hiding? sitting alone in a circle of empty chairs, there was not a single stir in the air - save one's own breathing. and i wondered, where was everyone? really. where was everyone today?

pahpoopohpeh. i can't seem to think straight anymore. searching for Him who could satisfy everything. searching for that one guest that I would love to meet. and yet i continue to be alone. or maybe He's arrived - and i'm oblivious. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest - not to come. i don't know. i wouldn't know. and i don't want to know.

why is it. that when we climb to the highest point and look down - then reflection begins? why is it in the exhilarating climb upward, we never look back to take a breather for reflection. and when you reach the top...

you realise it's a long way down. (oh my who wouldn't have guessed that)

red box

the box was hollow. why hollow. i wonder. it began hollow. but only Someone could give it life.

so you have a box. coat it with layers of love; toss in snippets of joy; but is that enough to make it meaningful? is that enough to give it life - to cause animation? i don't know. maybe in the process of slapping on douses of love, there were little tinges of selfish that somehow found their way into the paint-jobs; maybe mixed with the little snippets of joy were snippets of foolishness; maybe. just maybe. but it made me think. again. reconsider.

hollow box. i'm sure the heart wasn't as hollow. but we all are mistaken at times. snipping away with the scissors at the many entanglements, trying to make little holes, lacing the box with furry bendy pipe things - and we found that snipping was never easy, making holes was even more difficult, but sometimes things simply had to be done.

people ask why all the talk in metaphors? why not just simply let everything out in plain language? but some things are best left described in images, in stories; some things are best left unspoken in plain language. can't help it sometimes. but then again - you all, stop thinking that the metaphors have deeper significances. maybe they're just...random (:

this 399th post is by far no emo post. no 399th post shall ever be emo. in fact, just the opposite; i'm been grateful, thankful, full of praise and full of love for the God who's blessed so greatly. it's just that - have i mentioned before - walking in joy (or is it happiness) is never easy as well.

i feel like just walking on a big (old belly) hill and watching the world go by

hide and seek

wait. count to 10. ready or not here i come!

the search begins with pure ecstasy - it is but a game after all - and deep down inside i know that you're not really lost, and that in the end we'll manage to get together. prancing about, looking high and low, every possible nook and cranny, no stone left unturned. with every growing moment the heartbeat accelerates. i do wonder where you've gone. but i know that i'll eventually find you.

the game resumes. i search on. but in vain. there were boundaries to this game after all... had we not set them into place? so you had to be somewhere. somewhere there. maybe that rendezvous point, maybe where we once shared the many moments together, maybe where you picked me out of the miry clay and took me from darkness into light. maybe where we had shared the light drizzle, basked in the gentle sunray's caress. maybe. but i've searched, and have not found you - not yet at least.

where are you?

and when i do find you. it is just but a little glimpse. and in a moment you disappear again - how did anyone run off so quickly? so the search persists. and i continue to look. growing a little impatient - a little worried. because not finding you is worrying. i thought it was just a game.

and i start to yell out your name. it echoes through the corridors, bounces off the walls, resonates in the empty caverns of the building. but there is no reply, save for my own voice, echoing in equal bewilderment. i thought it was just a game.

the game's up! or so i yell. but you do not appear. not yet. why the wait.

and eventually one gives in. settles for a little spot in the comfy corner. and just waits. waits for you to come. and you do - finally. you really do - and along with it all the joy and supplication and strength for everything ahead.

you did come. you found me. maybe it was me hiding all along.

you did come. and that made all the difference (:

euthanasia

it's been mentioned countless times in TOK lessons. but of late the question has risen up in the mind again - i can't really find the reason behind it, but maybe it was simply some spur of emotion. to kill or not to kill. that is the question.

when a man lies in bed. critical condition. probably not going to make it. the possibility of living almost nil. what does one do? leave him there, to suffer his life away? or simply just deliver the final jab, that he might die in peace. the pain in one short blow, and peace to come; or longer-suffering pain. the choice. is just so difficult.

but to deliver the jab. your arm quivers. shivers. and you don't quite know how to do it. you don't want to risk it. wasn't there a 1% chance this man would survive? you pray. you wonder if it's the right thing - the ethical thing - to do. ah well. it ends with a perplexed

i don't know.

sometimes i wonder too. short term. or long term. i don't think i'm making sense. but poo. so do so many of you out there.

but it's ok (:

crashed

when you zip too fast on the highway, sometimes all you need to do is pullover. you need to pullover to that doughnut stand by the street, pick up some tasty frosted ones, and spend a moment to be refreshed in the midst of the many evergreen trees that never seem to grow tired. you on the other hand, are filled with emptiness, fatigued, and simply need a break. stop speeding, lest you come crashing into the side lane.

spending too much time on the road, stepping too hard on the gas pedal, sometimes has it's repercussions, or so you finally realize. and the great God who created the world just tells you that you need a kit-kat, and you pullover at the petrol station - though the gas prices have gone up quite a bit - and do just that. the car's a gas-guzzler. you need a refill - don't want to burnout now do we?

and you begin to wonder why you've needed this break. what has demanded that gas from you all this past week that you've just gone at full speed and missed out on the many sights and sounds of nature. ah you start to think too much, and indulge in regret and nostalgia. and you start to wonder if spending all that time was worthwhile - the visit to the zoo, the visit to that play, the visit to all the little nitty gritty of th world. when all you needed was some rest.

but the great thing is. that God's been there in the backseat of your car all along, comforting and smiling at you all the way. but now it's time - for you, and me for that matter - to pass Him the keys and let Him take the wheel.

tooth fairy bites

oh my. it's so late. one finds oneself in a half state of slumber. but somehow work drives one to plod on. perhaps it was apt, kneeling on the pillows, inevitable sleep overcame. but restlessness ensued, and one wakes up at the strangest hour to reconcile matters with the great gardener (who i assure you is always there watering all us little seedlings in this boundless garden of many surprises); never had hope seemed so bleak. never had optimism seem so contrary. joy seem so distant. the heart seem so stolen away. maybe it's the first step, and gloomy clouds seem to gather.

but with clouds. come the rain. is that not so. and that should be a happy thing.

flashbacks of childhood.

i see Winnie the Pooh, i watch his cumbersome figure. there he sits beside Christopher, both in the light of an evening sunset, and the silhouetted figures like cut out paper shadows. He holds a large jar of honey. but then Christopher takes hold of it. just a little. tugs a little. an exchange of surprised looks. but Christopher continues to tug. Winnie holds on. tight. then Chris smiles, and asks:

"pass me the honey pooh; what if i took away all the honey you ever had..would you..still love me?"

and Winnie struggles. looks at the honey pot nestled in his arms. all he ever wanted perhaps. but now, he too sees the friend who had helped him through the thick and thin of life. Christopher. honey. Christopher. honey. he looks back and forth. and eventually loosens the grip on the pot. Chris smiles. it hurts - but Winnie smiles back.

perhaps one day. Chris would return to pooh tenfold of what had been given up that day. perhaps not. it ought not to matter. what mattered was the love shared between them..for the years to come. in the Hundred Acre Wood

orange peel

wrinkly on the outside, pores a plenty, and yet when you dig deep, there's some juice-filled core that's so alluring, so sweet, but at times sour, and when you remove the outer covering, there is nothing more to hold the little pieces closely together. yet when it all falls apart, i dare say that there is still a portion that remains - shall i use that word? - hidden. hidden, concealed and not able to be brought to the light, because if it were, it would hurt, like the juice in our eyes sometimes, it would be sweet, but it too has the power to hurt (perhaps much more than it would be sweet)

i don't know if people understand these silly images sometimes. i think it's sometimes just me. maybe they hold no meaning at all. just a silly part of me. just creative juices that needed to be fulfilled. no matter.

besides that. and on another note. hopefully God would use that orange peeler, and peel off our sin, our unholiness, to discover a heart that longs to see Him glorified.

ah well. CAS beckons. and i type alone, at home, whilst others sit in the computer lab in school.

editttt
and for the record:
3.141592653589793238462643383279520884197169399375108230958209 (ah thanks (: ok i'm bad at this) that's 55 digits (:

thanks to Fab for the sms. haha.yes but my sanity is much at stake now

Rocks in the Pond

It's been a last time since I've last posted - The Thin Red Line sitting completed, crowning the pile of homework that has accumulated on my side shelf - and I remembered commenting on the swiftness with which the explosion came - the physical shock that came ever so suddenly - instantaneously, like stepping over a thin red line.

somehow. the last few days have been a step over that thin red line. and things have changed. lots. more than i could have ever ever imagined. shock? perhaps.

still I always fondly recall that God is by our side, and that He is now and forever, a timeless rock who does not change. the great unchangeable I AM - that one we can cling on to in our storms of life. We have an anchor that keeps the soul, steadfast and sure while the billows roll. (: and I trust you Lord, because I have no idea what you are doing, but I know that you know that it's best for me.

the only resolution i found for confusion this week - was more confusion - sigh.

Orchid hybridization yesterday. but let's not talk about that now. work beckons. oh work work, more work. (service is our top priority :P)

I shall speak in riddles once more. (yes. this is no poetry - it is just useless ramble)

Twirling whirling gyrating (much like last night)
the bees surround their honey
but chance now - they flee some distance (it was in an instant)
unguarded now - I close some distance (not much, not much)
but this some trick of the mind (some distraction)
I wish the bees were still there
to be stung - but taste
or to withdraw and never
i doth wonder which hurts greater.
God guide my paths (this part is no riddle)

And recalling the placement of white rocks, the rearrangement of pebbles to form a loving message to complement the coming REW week - the week where our Saviour gave up everything for us. this is the culmination of lent - may we be filled with thanksgiving always, especially for this week. Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday. remember Him in all our ways.

and with those stones - John Tay came frolicking past, with a fish in hand.

(that was a random way to end)

Music of the Night

ahhh. just (most unlike of tim) watched 'Phantom of the Opera' , I think I'm (most like tim) going to cry or something ):

then i always wonder. why do tears come so easily? maybe it's just me.

some are tears of unmeasurable joy - tears that come from knowing that we are so beautifully and wonderfully loved by our creator king. tears that flow endlessly when we realize, in awe, the depth of the Father's love for us. tears that find their beginnings in a guilty heart forgiven. tears simply dripping with gratitude. I love those tears, those precious tears.

then there are tears of pain - tears that come from struggling, struggling to find that person that cares, that voice that understands. tears the flow endlessly when we shut ourselves out from people who truly love us. tears that find their beginnings in - sometimes - stupidity, when we are blind to the love of the Father. Tears that are simply dripping with the will to surrender. I treasure those tears, yet wonder why I ever experienced them.

and there are tears of just deep senses of emotion. when a beautiful sunset paints the sky red. when the snowflakes flutter down to caress your head in the midst of the valley white. when one sits upon a great hill and marvels at creation. when one parts. when one meets. unforgettable tears.

then again. one quarter of the term has pass. i tell myself, when the time comes to part, i will let them flow.

looking back on sad times - we often laugh for having been so blind
looking back on happy times - we often tear for - - forever...

Oh God lead me on. may those who earnestly seek You always be filled with joy and satisfaction (:

Teaser

Unseen hands that fumbled below
Searched - and found that damned curse
Unseen tears that fought so hard
Fought to naught, struggled, distraught

Somewhere in that groping dark
Lies a child, a silhouette quickly disappearing
Forbidden, but his fingers wander in - then his body -
Confused, but passions ensue within

At last - Clothed with ecstasy, moans of intense glee!
Release - finally let loose - a butterfly set free.

But dreams too are fleeting - and he knows
he is no winged beauty.
Endless chasing
Unseen torment
Guilt.

If some day you were to venture
Past his closet doors, sneak a peek
Some fleshless smile would greet
Skeletons - there at your feet.

...

and after all the teasing, I wonder how many of us actually know his past, his painful past fraught with guilt and pains - and I wonder how many of us can truly understand - perhaps there is none - save for a Father I know from above. Those were trying times, and what came out of it was a dark but powerful testimony.

This is by no means an 'emo' post. Recall that Tim is almost always happy. :) no worries there. Just a fleeting thought. And perhaps 'Dead Poet's Society' has inspired me to more poetry - what powerful devices they are - and what rich outlets for unmeasurable emotions!

Meanwhile, despite certain thoughts and confusions, I thank God for His undying faithfulness. Kenneth commented on FireAC attendance rising a little - perhaps - numbers don't matter but, It is really encouraging :)

GAE - oops - edit: JAE tomorrow, perhaps we'll wait first, and write again once the flood of emotion arrives.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

-=Somewhere Over the Rainbow=-

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

...

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Dreams - that subconscious realm within every one of us - perhaps the window into our truest desires, our thoughts, our feelings, our experiences. I can't remember many dreams, but those that I have, I treasure up and relieve over and over. Good dreams. Thank God I have lots of them. Some too good to be true, some too absurd to be taken seriously, some so close yet so far.

And they used to torment me - nightmares - the supernatural - but I prayed - and God took care of me. Oh those times of innocent faith, simple childlikeness, bring me back again Lord. Help me relieve those days when every night a little child would come to you pleading for you to intervene in his dreams. When he would pray that you would guard the doors to his mind, fighting the evil ones off with the sword and shield - O the days when he saw you so mighty, so great, like a warrior prepared for battle.

And I recall that old lady, with her hand strumming away at the guitar, striking the guitar with a frail thump of her knuckles, every rattle, every repetition - a painful reminder of her state of mind. She strummed helplessly, when I held back, she beckoned again, I looked into her writhing eyes, smiled, and wanted to help, but only God could save a broken life.

And the songs, and the guitar, and the simple tunes to our Lord, echoing through the nursing home, bringing cheer - hopefully filling the empty hearts. There was joy, but it was coupled by a hollow sense of sorrow as well. I for one had the honor to sing, to smile, O Lord restore to me joy again.

And in the darkness of the night, stumbling upon a soul that had lost all faith, I tried to rekindle, I tried to help him reconsider, I prayed for him, but the call ended with a rushed exit - with that boys' parents fuming in the background. I pray God will open his heart, I pray God will open our hearts, I pray that God will come and live in everyone once again. He said his prayers were unanswered - and lost faith. O Lord, answer him please.

And me, recently, lost and not knowing where to go. Haven't heard God clearly for a long time, and still here on the computer lamenting this apparently lostness. You bad boy, go spend more time with your Father, He wants to speak to you, and here you are, distracted by the things of life, captivated by the gifts rather than the giver, not knowing how to delight in Him, not knowing what He's saying...why? I wish to be back with you again Father - not only back, but closer than before...

Dreams hardly come true though. But we always wish they did....sigh.

Best Friends

Two hearts on a rickety bus
Met suddenly - chanced upon
One promise within the ruckus
Innocence on an early dawn

Words cannot express fully
This strangeness which I feel
Best friends forever - was it folly?
Or a gem - of timeless value?

Best friends forever? The little quatrain of a sonnet cannot express how I feel. Innocent promise, but of timeless value?

Oh do you still remember the promises we made? Do you still remember how we treasured up each other - how we held on in good times and in pain?

Best friends - just a label?
Best friends - just a burden?
Best friends - just an illusion?
Best friends - just a obligation?

Oh how I still love you - with all my heart. Please stay close by. Let's fulfill our little promise - never forget each other!!

So let's cherish the old songs we sang
And complete what dear Innocence began.