Hear Our Praises

jukebox (:

2007-09-16T00:58:00.000+08:00

moving house

2007-09-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

increases stress levels

i lift my turtle shell. and on i go

eventually. that's where many others will go

sigh.

limmdt.wordpress.com

four paos and three pratas

2007-09-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

'encouragement' was the word that God struck my heart with this week; and with that fateful rock-paper-scissors game between Kenneth and Chng, came my first attempt at leading a week of FireAC. well. why encouragement?

Hebrews 10:24: "Let us consider how we may spur each other on in love and good deeds"

in the past week or so, somehow, through the many ups and downs, God has shown me the importance of encouragement, of being encouraged and encouraging others in return. in the short span of a week i've been through a whole myriad of emotions and sensations - lonely realizations, persistent frustrations, ecstatic highs, self introspective silence. and well, somehow, through the thick and thin, all i needed was the knowledge from God that He was still there.

i find. that sometimes, all we do need is assurance, and love, and a listening ear; it's not so much the medicine that heals someone, but the love emanated by the person giving the medicine, administering the care and concern (:

i try too hard sometimes, to encourage. it ends up being condescending, even on the brink of pride. sometimes. and i do pray that God will change that part in me - and in all who struggle to do the same thing.

---

yes finally broke my pao fast. albeit on the wrong type of pao (hmph)

---

and there's just something strange about me -

- this strange attraction toward things, no people, people who seem lonely, quiet, and who appear to have gone through some sort of psychological battle before, some sort of embitterment towards oneself - some sort of terrible struggle. some inevitable magnetism draws one toward them, and sometimes, just can't help feeling - that one needs to be there for them, to comfort them, to give them hope, and to give them love.

maybe that was why...

but one can't do everything. only Jesus can. only Jesus knows the way to a broken heart.

so teach me Lord. teach us all.

beautiful irony

2007-09-08T19:43:00.000+08:00

our hearts remained as one,
together - on the carousel called life;
and when winter blew its frosty song
we knew - to sing along

what's in a beautiful irony?

it's in the spoken silences
in the happy-sadness
in simple complexity
in sweet sorrow
just...
in (:

fairytale land

2007-09-08T00:25:00.000+08:00

someone once told me that my life at present seemed like a fairytale - for many reasons - among which the perceived high grades, the seemingly smooth-sailing spirituality, the various accolades, the many friends, the lack of relational problems and all.

but here's to say. that i really am no Snow White, no Cinderella, no Belle of the ball, no Peter Pan; because, like everyone else, i'm just another person. no pumpkins for me to ride in, no youth that lasts for an eternity (ok maybe eternal life. but...), and definitely, no prince to kiss me on the cheek (: but that being said. people have this impression that i'm living a fairytale.

maybe persuasion isn't the best method to deal with this - rather, i'd like to direct all who feel so to look at the author of my life - God, my great Father in heaven, the greatest storyteller, the one who knew everything from the beginning, who's the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I'm only as blessed as He allows so. and every blessing He gives me, i'm infinitely thankful. and i deserve none of the honor.

it's strange, i look around me, and people seem to live in regrets, live in the emotional ups and downs, live in all kinds of broken dreams and hopes - and i'm not spared from these, it just seems less so sometimes, thank God again - but sometimes, i wish i could just take all the hurt of the world, so that the people around me could all be happy, could all have their dreams come true and could all smile (: I wish i could switch out of my 'happy life' and give it to everyone else - i'd rather be the only sad one...

I oft ask God: why give a man 10 talents and another 5, why not just 7.5 each?

but i realise i'm incapable of such a noble deed. but someone has already taken the hurt of all the world - Jesus (:

meditate on that (:

to shannetta mists

2007-09-06T09:18:00.000+08:00

no one is supposed to know the significance of this post except you my dearest dearest comrade (: but tis' just the little reply you told me not to compose. yet i persist:

-- love is a commitment, it's not a feeling, it's not that warm fuzzy sensation we get in romantic movies and such --- love is a choice. and yes, you got that right, i chose to love you (:

the rifts were always there, they were inevitable, interests aside, i guess we didn't have much in common, and there was always that same gulf that was felt - on the phone, in school, anywhere. the rifts just became more apparent. that's all. and it's ok, because the rifts sometimes make everything better (:

i'm really glad you found your niche. partially my fault for withdrawing - and i did, because 2007 brought a whole host of new problems and new struggles, and i chose to find solace in new company - but like you said, maybe it's for the better.

i just want you to know though. that no matter what. when you need a friend, i'll be there. i'll be a shoulder for you to cry on, i'll be the silent friend who patiently waits beside you when you cut the rest of the world off. at least for now - for the remaining of what's left in school.

when i said i missed you. i really meant it. because somehow one part of me regretted pulling away, as my affections and feelings were drawn toward others; i really regretted it. not just you, but many of my old pals as well. there was this day in class, i simply broke down and cried, the thunder roared outside, and i felt so lonely inside, and i was afraid -- afraid of losing all my old friends.

but i'm glad. and thank God for you still. (:

and i guess we know what will happen when we leave school; i used to think we would keep in touch forever and ever. but gradually, i guess i start to realise the reality of things - and that tells me that we will eventually lose touch, whether we like it or not - it's an inevitability that i'm not afraid to admit - but remember, that when we see each other in heaven - please give me a knowing smile? (:

who cares about rifts? we have an eternity to make up one day (:

in His love,
tim

chemistry

2007-09-04T10:12:00.000+08:00

so you have a bottle of reactants. these would ultimately react to form ---> products (:

energetics: tells you if the reaction is spontaneous
kinetics: the rate of reaction (how fast it proceeds)
equilibrium: the point of equilibrium, or the extent of products produced

i hate to 'sciencify' things; least of all things that have nothing to do whatsoever with logic, reasoning and scientific banter; but one must always upkeep that (false) intellectual appearance, and couple it with the necessary metaphors and images. ok i half feel not like posting this anymore. but i shan't let the fingers be trigger happy, we have gone so far, so why stop now.

something has changed in the mix; perhaps the forward reaction has been faster than the backward reaction and a new equilibrium point is being achieved. the rate of reaction though, is something that should be controlled, lest like 'fire and powder, as they kiss consume'. and the energetics problem is particularly difficult - how can one determine if the forward reaction is favorable, or spontaneous from the start?

there are many questions zipping now. but we shall have to zip up carefully (ok that doesn't make sense haha); i was told, that life, life isn't about analyzing and breaking things down into small little bits and pieces to examine; life isn't about prescribing little solutions to problems; that isn't life, life is just so random, so chaotic, so unpredictable - and yet God is in control.

now finally steering away from the silly science imagery. i shall just say what needs to be said:

smile (: and there's no need to be grieved or feel bad
pray (: and God will light the way
never stray (: from God's way that is
stay (: just the way we are

and now. i shall just put a little bookmark into this little book of mine. and hmmm. don't think too much don't think too much tim >< ahaha.

who's up for some math portfolio fun? (at this point i start to crumble mentally...)

happy birthday

2007-09-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

this shall be a brief post. to keep the blog alive.

but happy birthday. thanks to all (:

for the arctic puppy (nanook!)
for the studious dog (timotheous!)
for the rowan atkinson toy
for the two dollar notes and deflated balloons (heh...it'll return (: )
for the many notes and letters
for the monster note book (i started using it!)
for the endless amount of cake cake cake!
for the surprising cards out of nowhere (silly ding dong you)
for the revamped ashlee (: (ediitttt sorry my dear emil)

and most importantly....for just being there (: the company was all i ever wished for

and now i pray. that God will help me live a life for Him. wholeheartedly. and completely guided by Him. that is the biggest wish. ever (: thanks for staying close even when it felt like You weren't there God. it's been a tough week. but You're faithful (:

don't worry be happy

2007-08-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

(: i must learn to smile more (:

people say i've been emoing around the IB block too much, with blue file in hand, i guess in a way, they aren't too far from the truth.

i need to start picking up more balls again

and be happy tim again

i need a shoulder too

2007-08-29T20:31:00.000+08:00

God, i pray that somewhere in those everlasting arms, in that wide and merciful embrace, that you would reserve for me a special spot where i can just let everything go. i wonder why in this week alone, these once-parched eyes have been flooded with blind confusion, joyful sorrow, and hopeless despondency; as if symbolically representing the state of one's heart, the grey clouds gather in one final reunion, and with a roar of thunder and the splitting lightning, rain pours in gushes of stinging needles. and all i needed was a place of quiet refuge and comfort.

i'm better now. i always am when i'm alone with you Lord - the troubles seem to disappear - and the peace that comforts me always comes when you are near. but every time i leave just a moment from your comforting embrace, the torrent of darkness just seems so imposing once again. i know that i shall fear no evil for You are with me. and yet there are times when the sorrow of the world, and of all the other people in the world, seem too much for this innocent heart of mine to bear.

i wish Lord, that i could give up Your blessings sometimes, that i may just speak in truthful sincere empathy to those who are feeling down and out. yet i don't really know what i'm asking for - could i really just give it all up? but yet a part of me, always wishes that i were the sacrifice, that i could sacrifice myself for the happiness of all others'. and yet, people remind me so oft, that it seems to be the opposite. but why?

i questioned this once. that why give the man 10 talents and the other 5, why had you not given both the same? seven-point-five? and the one answer that came, was that to whom much was given, much was expected. i know Lord.

and yet - why is it that in trying to make everyone happy, one inevitably, unknowingly, causes pain to another?

i guess. it's both good and bad. that i'm not speaking in code this time.

and for the record. i'm ok. i just need Your guidance now Lord (:

re: fireac

2007-08-24T22:17:00.000+08:00

it's been nine months. we had hopes. we had the passion raring to go. but where are we now? i don't know, recent happenings have resulted in mixed feelings - here a handful of disappointment, and yet those little glimmers of hopeful rays here and there. i don't know what to feel - optimistic or defeated. i just wish you wouldn't be so disappointed...cheer up ok? when faith in people fails, have faith in God. but don't give up on those the Lord has provided you. never give up and never even come close to disregarding them.

people have got distracted. work. relationships with others. just many many. me too. me too. it's slowed down many things. i wish too that these things hadn't come, that tiredness and weariness didn't exist, that distractions could just disappear. but they don't, and somehow, we've made it through so far. by God's grace.

i wonder. why you view things so different from the way i do. am i just blinded to some fact that you can so perceive? are we deluded with false hope? are we just in fact - dying and distracted? i don't know why i see opportunity and optimism, but you seem to have less of it - and more disappointment, and concerned that we may get more tired, and this and that. God wants to lead us somewhere, i don't know either, i wish i could tell you.

but God says to wait. i know you hate that word. but He will come. and when He comes, it's not because any of us did our best, it's not whether we failed or succeeded in the tasks that we were assigned. it's not because of our efforts - but because of His grace. and maybe all these failures and distractions thus far, would just amplify the fact that when God comes, He is great. not us.

i'm sorry, on behalf of many, if we've been tied down, and busified by the world. but we do try, and many of us still do harbor the hope within our hearts. i don't know if you'd call it eating drinking and sleeping revival, but we still do, we pray, we yearn, and we seek. this isn't to justify ourselves, this is to say, that be encouraged, there are still people fighting alongside you.

most importantly, let's stay together. for only in unity in Christ, can he be glorified. would he like to see us fragmented? would he like to see us giving up on each other? i doubt so. even the disciples failed Jesus, he kept them and taught them more. and he showed them the way. stick together and love each other, that the world may know what we love him.

please. for His sake. try to get over this soon (: we'll all be praying

people need the Lord

2007-08-22T23:02:00.000+08:00

everywhere i look. every corner of the school, seems to be filled with joy and yet an unspoken amount of despair, of heartbreak and of depression.

why, with every turn of the head, one comes to a table where another sits alone ands stares into blank space - hair plastered down upon his forehead, lips arched into the uncomfortable shape of a frown, and lamenting the fact that love seems such a distant thought. and yet another, bitten by betrayal, by the hurting tinge of a friend's lie, struggling to find what is real in the world.

and yet more, who live and carry on in jest, yet their final fate to be in flames and darkness. the people who live day after day not seeing and not knowing the truth. why why why. Father I pray that you will come and work mightily this friday, not for our glory, for the sake of His sacrifice. we need more prayer, more of God in these lives.

me? i've been doing fine. i guess. (: lots of blessings. lots of joy. and lots of thinking. but I do need more and more of Him. work's been piling up. but somehow. we trust Him.

people need the Lord

he knows my name (:

2007-08-20T22:36:00.001+08:00

how often do we just sit back. and reflect. and marvel and our Saviour's great love for each one of us. sometimes i struggle with the thought - that seemingly self-centered thought, that seemingly self-important though - that if i were the only person left on earth, Christ would still come down just the same and die for me, just so that i could return to His side at the end of time. and it's not just me, it's every single one of us. dearly loved.

Psalm 8. i used to marvel at that psalm. i still do.

when i think about the heavens, the moon and all the stars, i wonder what you ever saw in me...

He knew every one of us before we were born, He formed us, He picked your eyes, your nose, your features, your skin color, your gender, and He loved every part of it, it was perfect (: perfect in His sight. He gazes down on you day after day, wanting to love you and shower you with more and more of Himself.

everyone of us. is a gift. a gift from the almighty to our friends, family...ah (:

if you haven't started feeling special. it's time to realize that you are so important to Him. but not because we're great. but because He is everything (:

three balls

2007-08-18T22:43:00.000+08:00

and off they go, tossed one by one into the air, we've tried it with apples before - yes a rather interesting event following a rather interesting meeting - and now it shouldn't get too difficult with the real thing - balls!! (: ah well. but the skills still need honing. they need to be improved. because, reality catches up with me, and perhaps there are more than one ball to tend to.

you see. this year has been one long juggling act. new balls have been introduced - some lonely, some lovely - old balls have to be remembered. and i'm afraid. i might have forgotten some on the way.

i don't want to let go of any. new or old. but maybe. i might have to some day. ah then which shall be the first to go ):

(at this point my comp starts to flicker uncontrollably. i'd best be off. ah)

eighteen is a nice number

2007-08-18T00:38:00.000+08:00

and now. after three days straight of little work. but lots and lots of other stuff. i can truly stand and say. i am poofed.

i absolutely love God (ok so do a whole lot of us). i know work is important. but it feels like such a distant thought now. ah. i need to start for the finals. but my brain's not working. someone help me pick up the brain and plonk it back in again?

and thanks God. for everything. it's just been extremely tiring. but incredibly rewarding and blessed as well (: ahhhhh..balling (:

bin bin speaks again

2007-08-14T20:58:00.000+08:00

this begins with a smile (:

it's not that i don't love you, it's just the opposite, i love you so much i can't seem to let go; that once the bin's been used, it doesn't mind being used, it's happy being used, and happy seeing all who are happy using it.

it's not that i've given up on you, on the contrary, i continue to hold on, because God says that the bin shall hold on, this labor of love shall not be in vain; because God says that there must be faith, and so the bin trusts that one day everything with you will be fine; because God says the bin must continue loving. and so it does, continue loving.

it's not that i've become emo myself, but i've just been a little tired, perhaps tired of being used, of the little abuses i've had to endure and that have built up over time; it's not that i'm asking for them to stop, by all means, continue, if it helps you out, continue. bins can take it. but bins do have feelings too. and if bin finally shuts its lid, i hope you'll understand why (:

but maybe bin does feel a little lonely at times. because it seems to spend time with the lonelier individuals in school. and as these lonelier individuals find new company, and finally break free of using the bin, bin watches on in joy; true joy. but somehow bin also wonders, what happens once all the bin-users break free? will bin then be all alone?

and that's that. the lid's still open (:

ah. meanwhile. i can't stand it. the drugs the drugs. ah the withdrawal symptoms are sometimes so difficult to understand. but so lovely in themselves. so happy. so sad. yet so happy.

boot laces

2007-08-12T17:47:00.000+08:00

there's been so much more to pray for recently. thank goodness for National Day holidays, thank goodness for this well deserved rest break for most of us - unless of course you are like me and tend to give yourself work even though there is nothing to do (yes the wiser individuals have gone on to play 3 hours of star(edit!!)craft (excuse the blasphemy heh), or perhaps LAN after soccer, or simply bumming around) those are the wiser individuals, i'm just weird.

soccer simply brought back the old times like a whiff of strong nostalgic coffee.
the worship retreat simply reminded oneself of the importance of the heart in worship.
three times of ah balling in a week simply leaves one in an incredibly high state.
one hour QTs have been quiet, painful, loving, yet reassuring.
flickering computer screens have plagued me the entire week.
no work has driven me quite mad.

and the boot laces - we shall leave them in the hand of Him who knows best ya? (:

sometimes i wish - and i'm not sure if this is a bad wish - but that God would tell us something more than that call to trust in Him. yes we do trust in You for the future Lord. but could You not - in your abounding mercy - show us a portion of what steps to take and how to go about the future? or would that be too much for our human minds to comprehend?

collide

2007-08-10T17:25:00.001+08:00

i often wonder this. and i shall now post from part of my secret (but now not so secret) journal:

i always feel that it's so strange that I can spend an hour with the Lord in the morning, yet completely leave Him aside for the rest of the day. It's something i regret about yesterday, yet something i really need His grace to overcome. I guess it's a real learning journey, this thing about maintaining a blossoming relationship with God. it's strange yet again that I really do feel I can't live a day without Him - if I miss QT, i feel really dry and thirsty on the inside - yet the moment I hit a certain 'quota', say that one hour of QT, i seem to forget Him and not feel bad about it until the end of the day. It's terrible, perhaps it's the way the world works, that makes you forget. But Lord I want to pray that You'll help me against this forgetfulness, teach me mindfulness, teach me how to think of You 24 hours a day.

and so yes. i wonder. i wonder. and i wonder. how to give God more of each day. and it went on, the post did go on. it went to something about text messages, and how we ought to send God text messages throughout the day and receive the little replies from Him. that's the way one builds up a relationship with Him. not just a simple concentrated time.

and yet. even spurious messages do not suffice. that simple concentrated time is required. You do need special time set aside. and you DO need special attention. recently, God has impressed upon me...to be mindful of the things above, and not be too caught up with the world. it's been heard many times, but it's oft forgotten. and i'm reminding myself as much as i hope to remind all those who come by this humble blog.

and this part is for dearest emil (and anyone else distressed):
don't fret (: God will always be there. and while i'm here i'll be your little punching bag to vent your frustrations, and your free state-of-the-art pinch dispenser to give you a little reminder. and whilst your struggles seem to be exclusive to you at times, they are not (: many other ppl - including silly me - do understand (: and we're here struggling together. in love. in unity

-- and so. we need to grow closer to God together. ah i need to pray for a heart for the people again. holidays get you so distracted. pah.

400

2007-08-08T18:41:00.000+08:00

one would usually begin with a loud 'harumph!' (or equivalent sounds) and celebration would continue with virtual party poppers, cakes and various surprises. the room of '400th post celebrations' or so we all call it, and today, one would like to wish this blog a 'happy 400th post'. many years ago - ok only two and half - it began with a little boy with much angst - and perhaps it still it - a little more hardened, but a long way to go. 400 on this wonderfully auspicious 8/8 day. and so the room was opened, and many were welcomed to join the celebration...

but (well we all expected the but - it is me after all)

..why was it. when the door was opened. everyone seemed to be hiding? sitting alone in a circle of empty chairs, there was not a single stir in the air - save one's own breathing. and i wondered, where was everyone? really. where was everyone today?

pahpoopohpeh. i can't seem to think straight anymore. searching for Him who could satisfy everything. searching for that one guest that I would love to meet. and yet i continue to be alone. or maybe He's arrived - and i'm oblivious. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest. or maybe He has gone away to tell the rest - not to come. i don't know. i wouldn't know. and i don't want to know.

why is it. that when we climb to the highest point and look down - then reflection begins? why is it in the exhilarating climb upward, we never look back to take a breather for reflection. and when you reach the top...

you realise it's a long way down. (oh my who wouldn't have guessed that)

red box

2007-08-07T21:07:00.000+08:00

the box was hollow. why hollow. i wonder. it began hollow. but only Someone could give it life.

so you have a box. coat it with layers of love; toss in snippets of joy; but is that enough to make it meaningful? is that enough to give it life - to cause animation? i don't know. maybe in the process of slapping on douses of love, there were little tinges of selfish that somehow found their way into the paint-jobs; maybe mixed with the little snippets of joy were snippets of foolishness; maybe. just maybe. but it made me think. again. reconsider.

hollow box. i'm sure the heart wasn't as hollow. but we all are mistaken at times. snipping away with the scissors at the many entanglements, trying to make little holes, lacing the box with furry bendy pipe things - and we found that snipping was never easy, making holes was even more difficult, but sometimes things simply had to be done.

people ask why all the talk in metaphors? why not just simply let everything out in plain language? but some things are best left described in images, in stories; some things are best left unspoken in plain language. can't help it sometimes. but then again - you all, stop thinking that the metaphors have deeper significances. maybe they're just...random (:

this 399th post is by far no emo post. no 399th post shall ever be emo. in fact, just the opposite; i'm been grateful, thankful, full of praise and full of love for the God who's blessed so greatly. it's just that - have i mentioned before - walking in joy (or is it happiness) is never easy as well.

i feel like just walking on a big (old belly) hill and watching the world go by

in pursuit of permanence

2007-08-02T21:43:00.000+08:00

if one wonders why tim has been posting so faithfully and furiously these days, it's only because the 400th post is in sight! yes the dearest 400th post that will confer upon my (not so) dear blog the (dubious) honor of being a 400-post-monster. beat that! ok so people like fab have been there done that, but for me, that's a long way to have come.

i'm still searching. for the special something from You (i caps the you here to prevent any strange misinterpretations). but i long for more. You do know that nothing else can satisfy right? and not just me, so many of my friends too, longing for that touch from You. and You simply need to come and minister to us and touch us all. tmr Lord. tmr.

and i prayed yesterday. prayed hard. but it wasn't about me in the end. yes it was about you finding me. and not the other way.

the verse i saw, when i shifted my head to look at the quaint calender positioned high atop my table was James 5:7-8. a true encouragement. i wonder.

7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near.

so a call to wait. but for how long?

yes the balance - is to be thankful and yet not to be contented with the present; to desire more of Him yet not overlooking the little things that He has blessed you with. we His little children just need to trust Him more.

Pa? will you come visit us in a mighty way? (:

hide and seek

2007-08-01T20:15:00.000+08:00

wait. count to 10. ready or not here i come!

the search begins with pure ecstasy - it is but a game after all - and deep down inside i know that you're not really lost, and that in the end we'll manage to get together. prancing about, looking high and low, every possible nook and cranny, no stone left unturned. with every growing moment the heartbeat accelerates. i do wonder where you've gone. but i know that i'll eventually find you.

the game resumes. i search on. but in vain. there were boundaries to this game after all... had we not set them into place? so you had to be somewhere. somewhere there. maybe that rendezvous point, maybe where we once shared the many moments together, maybe where you picked me out of the miry clay and took me from darkness into light. maybe where we had shared the light drizzle, basked in the gentle sunray's caress. maybe. but i've searched, and have not found you - not yet at least.

where are you?

and when i do find you. it is just but a little glimpse. and in a moment you disappear again - how did anyone run off so quickly? so the search persists. and i continue to look. growing a little impatient - a little worried. because not finding you is worrying. i thought it was just a game.

and i start to yell out your name. it echoes through the corridors, bounces off the walls, resonates in the empty caverns of the building. but there is no reply, save for my own voice, echoing in equal bewilderment. i thought it was just a game.

the game's up! or so i yell. but you do not appear. not yet. why the wait.

and eventually one gives in. settles for a little spot in the comfy corner. and just waits. waits for you to come. and you do - finally. you really do - and along with it all the joy and supplication and strength for everything ahead.

you did come. you found me. maybe it was me hiding all along.

you did come. and that made all the difference (:

euthanasia

2007-07-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

it's been mentioned countless times in TOK lessons. but of late the question has risen up in the mind again - i can't really find the reason behind it, but maybe it was simply some spur of emotion. to kill or not to kill. that is the question.

when a man lies in bed. critical condition. probably not going to make it. the possibility of living almost nil. what does one do? leave him there, to suffer his life away? or simply just deliver the final jab, that he might die in peace. the pain in one short blow, and peace to come; or longer-suffering pain. the choice. is just so difficult.

but to deliver the jab. your arm quivers. shivers. and you don't quite know how to do it. you don't want to risk it. wasn't there a 1% chance this man would survive? you pray. you wonder if it's the right thing - the ethical thing - to do. ah well. it ends with a perplexed

i don't know.

sometimes i wonder too. short term. or long term. i don't think i'm making sense. but poo. so do so many of you out there.

but it's ok (:

crashed

2007-07-29T15:53:00.000+08:00

when you zip too fast on the highway, sometimes all you need to do is pullover. you need to pullover to that doughnut stand by the street, pick up some tasty frosted ones, and spend a moment to be refreshed in the midst of the many evergreen trees that never seem to grow tired. you on the other hand, are filled with emptiness, fatigued, and simply need a break. stop speeding, lest you come crashing into the side lane.

spending too much time on the road, stepping too hard on the gas pedal, sometimes has it's repercussions, or so you finally realize. and the great God who created the world just tells you that you need a kit-kat, and you pullover at the petrol station - though the gas prices have gone up quite a bit - and do just that. the car's a gas-guzzler. you need a refill - don't want to burnout now do we?

and you begin to wonder why you've needed this break. what has demanded that gas from you all this past week that you've just gone at full speed and missed out on the many sights and sounds of nature. ah you start to think too much, and indulge in regret and nostalgia. and you start to wonder if spending all that time was worthwhile - the visit to the zoo, the visit to that play, the visit to all the little nitty gritty of th world. when all you needed was some rest.

but the great thing is. that God's been there in the backseat of your car all along, comforting and smiling at you all the way. but now it's time - for you, and me for that matter - to pass Him the keys and let Him take the wheel.

love

2007-07-26T22:59:00.000+08:00

if we have ministered, spread the gospel, helped others in their problems, offered a listening ear, but have not loved, then we are but a resounding gong.

it's not about putting love into the activities we do, the ministry we carry out

paradigm shift:

it's about loving the people, then ministering as a natural outpouring, sharing the message as part of the act of love and compassion (:

everyday's a special day, with opportunities of it's own. open my eyes to see Lord.

and there's still so much for me to learn. need to pray more. trying not to cross the line again (:

tears

2007-07-25T20:08:00.000+08:00

agonize. i pray that God teach us how to agonize for those who are unsaved. how to simply cry out for them. and that morning in the lt, during REW followup for the lower sec, i remembered those little crystal orbs streaming down, sparingly, but still enough - enough to feel the pain and agony of Jesus, enough to let me know that God is real.

tears again. onion peeling makes tearing inevitable. but why do we go on peeling sometimes? it puzzles me. maybe there's some happiness in it all - and that's tears too. hope the onion got a pleasant surprise from all today - to know that onions are dearly loved....the gardener and all (: yes yes. and the many layers. one day (: haha ok. i think i'm talking nonsense again.

been reminded time and again. that tears aren't always bad. happy and sad. just like life. just part and parcel of that journey called life.

when one is loved. one just lets the tap loose. drenched in joyful tears.

when passions mount

2007-07-23T22:32:00.000+08:00

right now. Christians all over the world are praying; news of the 23 Korean brothers and (mostly) sisters who have been taken hostage by the Taleban has spread like wildfire - across the technological realm, through messenger, sms - and now people all over the world are praying, for a powerful intervention by God. for a first time, perhaps the spiritual realm has never seemed more apparent, more bigger than our little personal spheres. and we pray, for a mighty God to intervene. last night's prayers were answered - the deadlines delayed, what next.

sometimes, in this time and age, we ask 'Where is God?'; we see the many wars, the bloodshed, the merciless killings, and in all honesty, we ask 'Where is God?' - we cannot simply say 'it's ok.' - how can the death of so many innocent lives be a flippant 'ok'. So where is God, why doesn't He seem to be in control? why all the suffering, why the torrent of tyranny and anarchy?

but here's the truth. God is in control. there are two sides to this coin. He has an appointed time for everything - an appointed time for the reign of evil, as much as an appointed time for the defeat of all the evil forces of the world. He is in control, watching, and there are reasons behind everything He determines. The whole world is in His hands.

We can't be over optimistic - over naive; yet we cannot be defeatists, we cannot simply succumb to the fear and uncertainty. here's the verse that sums it up, before Jesus leaves His disciples, He says that they will face much trouble in the world:

"But take heart, I have already overcome the world" (John 16)

what a promise. what a comfort.

and we pray on.

to make a difference

2007-07-22T21:16:00.000+08:00

a long time has passed since time has allowed me to post on this little online (not so private) diary of mine; whether it's been the jia(1) that i've had to stuff into my head, or the BB cares and the balloons we've had to pump and twist (and pop), or simply late nights involving more headaches and reading and aefs and stuff, it has taken up time, and finally there is an avenue for some reflection. in solitude. again.

tamada, to make a difference, finally set out on friday, with our counterparts EatXL and Sparta; and i must say that though there were no radical changes, we were claiming ground, and God was going to move, we simply had to pray that He would provide the breakthrough. no shortcuts when it comes to this, just lots and lots of faith. i pray that we'll hear His voice clearly, sometimes i still doubt whether it's Him i hear, but i trust it is. Pslams 32:8 again. thanks Lord.

and balloon twisting for the old folks. i guess it was a strange day. not to mention a rainy one. but it was one full of many twists and turns as well. eventually, we left having been uplifted as much as the old folks had been cheered up by the many smiles and squeaky dog balloons. and i had my startrek balloon hat, which did not pop this time (the last time emil had to assault with a pencil)

and east coast today. was just the wind in your hair. the sun on your face. and the company of cousins and friends. simple yet pristine moments.

there's much to be thankful for. so i shall end here and smile (:

beginnings

2007-07-19T00:15:00.000+08:00

and before we set off. i stumbled upon this little convo history in one of my rare escapades to the msn convo past. and i realised. that was how it began. haha. we've grown much, each and every one of us. and now i present the abridged version of something that conspired about a year back (it's been a year a year!) the people here are fab, kenneth and myself. go figure (:

Session Start: Monday, July 17, 2006

[10:25:07 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Tell Tim about your revival thing
[10:25:14 PM] [kae-eee-ann: blah
[10:25:15 PM] [kae-eee-ann: ZZZ
[10:25:27 PM] |||LimClaNst: and ya kenneth you could tells me
[10:25:29 PM] [kae-eee-ann: can you send him the convo history
[10:25:34 PM] [kae-eee-ann: zzzzz
[10:25:41 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Bleh you shouldn't tire of saying it
[10:25:44 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : If you're serious about it
[10:25:51 PM] [kae-eee-ann: NICE MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY AGAIN
[10:26:58 PM] [kae-eee-ann: like on sunday morning, i suddenly thought of something. mr charles ng and many other have mentioned like time and again that we're all on earth for a purpose
[10:27:05 PM] |||LimClaNst: mhm
[10:27:25 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and on sunday morning, while i was still at my friend's bdae party, i realised another side to it
[10:27:45 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God placed us where we are like the specific location for eg. in our class, for a specific purpose.
[10:27:53 PM] |||LimClaNst: mhm
[10:27:58 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and whatohwhat is that purpose? which couldnt have been accomplished anyplace else
[10:28:09 PM] [kae-eee-ann: think abt that, and correct me if im wrong
[10:28:25 PM] |||LimClaNst: incidentally i've thought bout that b4 :D
[10:28:46 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : I thought about it last year also
[10:28:54 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Exact same words as Kenneth
[10:28:20 PM] [kae-eee-ann: anyway. here's the spooky part
[10:28:24 PM] [kae-eee-ann: at night
[10:28:28 PM] [kae-eee-ann: when i went to church
[10:28:43 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God kinda spok.e to me
[10:28:44 PM] |||LimClaNst: AHHHHHH spoooooky
[10:29:02 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and what He told me, or at least what i THINK He told me
[10:29:07 PM] [kae-eee-ann: is scary
[10:29:09 PM] [kae-eee-ann: its what mr ng has always been saying
[10:29:17 PM] |||LimClaNst: scary?
[10:29:21 PM] [kae-eee-ann: but im like "ah whatever someone else is alr doing it"
[10:29:27 PM] [kae-eee-ann: God wants a revival
[10:29:33 PM] [kae-eee-ann: dadumdadum. *drum roll*
[10:29:35 PM] |||LimClaNst: yes and ?
[10:29:37 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and im like WTHH
[10:29:40 PM] [kae-eee-ann: WHY TELL ME
[10:29:43 PM] [kae-eee-ann: what can poor ol kenneth do
[10:29:46 PM] |||LimClaNst: what do you think
[10:29:50 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Good wake up calls I should think
[10:29:51 PM] [kae-eee-ann: so basically i want to ask for your helps. pray pray and ask whether He really wants us to do this
[10:29:54 PM] [kae-eee-ann: cos apparently thats the yr5's mission too
[10:29:59 PM] [kae-eee-ann: and if you get the same signal
[10:30:00 PM] - [Fяфsт′] : Reminding us we are here for a purpose
[10:30:01 PM] [kae-eee-ann: HELP ME
[10:30:04 PM] |||LimClaNst: I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me
[10:30:06 PM] [kae-eee-ann: HELPHELPHELP
[10:30:14 PM] |||LimClaNst: no problem kenneth
[10:30:14 PM] [kae-eee-ann: i dont know if the revival is in our individual classes, cos i was pondering abt why he placed us there earlier in the day
[10:30:19 PM] [kae-eee-ann: or whether its in BB, which YEAH we're all on our way (hopefully)
[10:30:19 PM] |||LimClaNst: your concerns are ours
[10:30:22 PM] [kae-eee-ann: or whether its in the whole acs
[10:30:28 PM] [kae-eee-ann: in which case i'll be :-O

...

and it ended like this haha

[10:52:52 PM] [kae-eee-ann: BOBOBOBOB
[10:52:53 PM] |||LimClaNst: bye all
[10:52:56 PM] [kae-eee-ann: the builder

oh well. Lord guide us I pray.

sequel

2007-07-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

and pooh, having handed over the honey pot, now watches on, uncertain if he had made the right decision. sure, Chris was definitely more important, than the world, than anything else in the Hundred Acre Wood; sure, it had been a sincere decision, there was no half-hearted-ness in it. he was willing, but would he be able? would his heart be able to take the piercing sight of a honey pot just within reach but not in hand?

and he wonders why now. why such an odd question by Chris. is he perhaps, worrying too much? Chris gazes into Pooh's eyes with the deepest affection, he eyes glistening, his arms stretched around the bear's shoulders. just that look from Chris, is enough to comfort him, enough to tell Pooh that perhaps it was all going to be fine. just trust him. just trust him.

maybe it wasn't all that bad. Chris did give him a lick or two now and then. a little glimmer of happiness a day. but something told him that Chris was teaching him a lesson, and sure enough, the portions each day lessened, and continued to decreased. and Pooh's dependence on the dear honey pot waned, slowly but surely.

to a point. where in the evening sunset - again the silhouettes on the hill - Chris simply passes the pot back to Pooh. Pooh's delighted, but suddenly, as he takes a scoop out of the pot, he looks at Chris, and realizes, just how much he had learned to love him more. honey had never tasted so sweet in his life, and it wasn't just the honey from the pot, but the sweet fellowship with his dear friend Chris.

in his wildest dreams. in his wildest dreams.

tooth fairy bites

2007-07-14T02:47:00.000+08:00

oh my. it's so late. one finds oneself in a half state of slumber. but somehow work drives one to plod on. perhaps it was apt, kneeling on the pillows, inevitable sleep overcame. but restlessness ensued, and one wakes up at the strangest hour to reconcile matters with the great gardener (who i assure you is always there watering all us little seedlings in this boundless garden of many surprises); never had hope seemed so bleak. never had optimism seem so contrary. joy seem so distant. the heart seem so stolen away. maybe it's the first step, and gloomy clouds seem to gather.

but with clouds. come the rain. is that not so. and that should be a happy thing.

flashbacks of childhood.

i see Winnie the Pooh, i watch his cumbersome figure. there he sits beside Christopher, both in the light of an evening sunset, and the silhouetted figures like cut out paper shadows. He holds a large jar of honey. but then Christopher takes hold of it. just a little. tugs a little. an exchange of surprised looks. but Christopher continues to tug. Winnie holds on. tight. then Chris smiles, and asks:

"pass me the honey pooh; what if i took away all the honey you ever had..would you..still love me?"

and Winnie struggles. looks at the honey pot nestled in his arms. all he ever wanted perhaps. but now, he too sees the friend who had helped him through the thick and thin of life. Christopher. honey. Christopher. honey. he looks back and forth. and eventually loosens the grip on the pot. Chris smiles. it hurts - but Winnie smiles back.

perhaps one day. Chris would return to pooh tenfold of what had been given up that day. perhaps not. it ought not to matter. what mattered was the love shared between them..for the years to come. in the Hundred Acre Wood

running

2007-07-11T17:43:00.000+08:00

and today the commissioning was done. somehow i had no courage to stand yet, till i knew for sure that God was with me; and i kept my eyes closed - no, no i was not going to stand for such a silly reason - it had to be for real, a true passion. and eventually, was compelled, on the brink of tears as thoughts of sacrifice came - and it did get a little wet in the end. casting lots was an equally wrenching process, and i guess, it goes to show that thy will be done (: i wonder i wonder more often than not, on the implications and reasons, but you know. He has plans higher than ours and all (: and that's good enough to know

till then. flame on.

underground operation

2007-07-09T21:51:00.000+08:00

(before this starts to sound like some jihad terrorist organization rally message, let us clarify that it is not)

as Christians we live in an upside down kingdom, ruled by the greatest and only King of the universe, but nevertheless it is a kingdom ruled in love, and ruled by morals unheard of to the world: while one takes revenge in the world, another turns the other cheek in the upside down kingdom; while one strives to store up riches, the other forsakes all for the call;

i besiege all belonging to this upside down kingdom today - to remember your citizenship!

start to hold the fort. we're in an underground operation here. persecuted but not completely struck down; hard-pressed on all sides but not giving in; perhaps some of us have not realized the extent of the battle - that ongoing war between the principalities of light and darkness, the fighting going on on the spiritual battlefield - but it is happening, even as we walk to school, partake of the fellowship during recess - it is happening.

and get this. it appears at times, that we are fighting a losing battle. in the light of the happenings of this world, it seems that us, underground operations, will never see the light of day. Yet there is one, one comforting word, that we must all remember. the great commander, whilst He was here beside us said those few words:

"But take heart, for I have already overcome the world!"

and here we are, just occupying the land for this little moment, trying at best to bring others to follow us on the cause, to convince others of the truth of the message, to build up the Lord's army. Have we forgotten the sacrifice He made for us - that life which he gave for us to guarantee us the victory? that moment, when he passed on, and when He returned with the promise, was the moment that we knew, that the battle was already won (:

still. this is not a reason to rest on our laurels. we must continue to be filled with passion for the cause, and be creative in the methods of defence, offence; infiltration of enemy ground - for all those he has taken hostage, we need to steal them back from under His nose.

first. be convicted of the cause.
second. direct the conviction in creative means
third. pray. and rely on the strength of our Grand Commander.

yes pray. because in our base. there are a group of prayer warriors, who fight not physically but call upon the name of our Grand Commander, to cry out to Him for grace and mercy to aid us in the cause. and the best part - He is always listening, always ready to help - and His angels guard us, His army stands before us. and we have Nothing To Fear. absolutely.

so why wait. let's go out. and do this for His glory.

that the Lord may receive the reward for His grand sacrifice on the cross!!

Flame On!

learning to rest

2007-07-08T21:54:00.000+08:00

when Mary and Martha met Jesus, Martha was busy making preparations in the house, but Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus, and simply listen to Him, to talk to Him, to learn about Him and to simply stare in amazement at him. so often we too are carried away by the many tasks of life - me included - that crowd out our minds and steal away the time that we ought to give to our Saviour. He's just right beside us, but have we given Him notice? He tells us to cast our cares upon Him. and to rest in Him

The Lord's Day, the Christian's day of rest, of the same significance that the Sabbath has to the Jews, is a day to rest. not just a rest in the fantasy world of the computer, or the rest in the comfort of a warm bed, but a holy rest. it is a sacred time for God, an appreciation of God, a time of worship and meditation on Him. time indeed is sacred, shouldn't we apportion a part of it back to the one who gave it to us?

a special day, set aside, not to a point of complete cessation of work - that would be unthinkable in today's hurried life - but to a point where we are consciously reminding ourselves to be mindful of God and sensitive to His voice. sure, everyday should be a day unto the Lord as such, but if everyday were the same, chances are we would simply forget again. the Lord's Day, Sunday, is a special day, set aside to remember God.

it too is an act of faith, when we stop work and realize that it is God who still keeps the world spinning and in motion, nothing to do with our own efforts. God upholds the world, and we trust Him to do so, but setting aside our work and going to Him (:

and that's that. rest in Him. and discover His love and power again. discover the power of His voice and word. and glorify Him in everything (:

orange peel

2007-07-07T09:48:00.000+08:00

wrinkly on the outside, pores a plenty, and yet when you dig deep, there's some juice-filled core that's so alluring, so sweet, but at times sour, and when you remove the outer covering, there is nothing more to hold the little pieces closely together. yet when it all falls apart, i dare say that there is still a portion that remains - shall i use that word? - hidden. hidden, concealed and not able to be brought to the light, because if it were, it would hurt, like the juice in our eyes sometimes, it would be sweet, but it too has the power to hurt (perhaps much more than it would be sweet)

i don't know if people understand these silly images sometimes. i think it's sometimes just me. maybe they hold no meaning at all. just a silly part of me. just creative juices that needed to be fulfilled. no matter.

besides that. and on another note. hopefully God would use that orange peeler, and peel off our sin, our unholiness, to discover a heart that longs to see Him glorified.

ah well. CAS beckons. and i type alone, at home, whilst others sit in the computer lab in school.

editttt
and for the record:
3.14159265358979323846264338327952088419716939937510~~82309~~58209 (ah thanks (: ok i'm bad at this) that's 55 digits (:

thanks to Fab for the sms. haha.yes but my sanity is much at stake now

heart, mind and soul

2007-07-06T23:21:00.001+08:00

when one is led only by the mind - distracted by endless planning, worrying over trivialities, organization and getting structures into place - one finds that there will always be a scarce amount of energy, and our passion, or the construct of it, is easily depleted and difficult to replenish. perhaps for too long our focus has been on the themes, the frameworks, the spiritual technology, that we may have lost sight of the initial purpose of us being here in FireAC. why, a true timely reminder, that it is high time we searched and prayed to rediscover our hearts.

and in all of us, there is a heart - much like the carebears i am tempted to mention, ahhh to much (unhealthy? no rather..strange) influences - but there is a heart, and one that we need to pray that God will help us to discover and unleash. many a time, it is only when we are fully convicted, and not merely convinced of the cause, that God can really start to move through each and every one of us. on a personal note, tim has had a rather fluctuating passion, ups and downs of the sine curve of emotion, and has struggled to keep the flame alive. tim wonders, if there is indeed that true conviction in his heart, but he prays for it, tries to, though sometimes he might not feel like it.

and we need to seek enlightenment; of our purpose in this school. was FireAC merely the product of a group of people who decided to band together and be (for lack of better word) funny? or was it truly, and sincerely, a group that was called by God to glorify Him through evangelism, through love, through service to the school? Do we really feel empowered by the Holy spirit to do His work? or do we live day by day discouraged and feeling defeated, our efforts and seed-planting all in vain? high time we ask ourselves.

and we need to pray like never before. that God will instill that passion in our hearts. beyond the work, beyond the distractions, we need to look at God and say - that we want Him to be glorified! and definitely, through this, there will be infinite joy, and men will certainly be satisfied in God (:

so seek the fire. seek the heart. seek the conviction once again.

send revival. start with me.

To God be the Glory

2007-07-04T18:51:00.000+08:00

even at the brief meeting today, for a brief moment, pride caught me off guard, but off it goes; yes i hate you pride, i hate you you part of tim that's always not focused on God, i hate you selfish nature, and i hate you sin; hmph. it's time to be purified by fire, even as we approach this term, to remember our state of depravity, and to marvel once again at God's bountiful grace. i guess it was meaningful to get to know our acjc counterparts today, though not much was really achieved. and thanks for the apples, the juggling, and the exempt from the doctors'; yes, tim also got a cap, but that's out of point.

what's important. is that this day, and the rest of our lives, God gets all the glory. every, every single bit of it (: and with that i post the song below (: God bless all.

To You be the Glory (Psalms 115)

not to us, but to You be the glory

2007-07-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

this word glory, has been stuck in the head for the past few days - it seems increasingly that God wants us to make His glory our foremost concern, and nothing else. In whatever we do to truly mean it when we say 'to God be the glory!', to never glory-bask, to give back everything to our Father in heaven. wow. and i just pray that He'll reveal that glory to us, and I think He will lift us, and exalt us, but only that His name may be exalted - and we cannot forget that.

I think youth day was too free. and i penned yet another song, this time based on a passage from Psalms 1

Psalm 115

1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

To Him be the glory, we are all weak, and need His strength. whatever we do must be God-empowered. The lyrics below. but for the moment i shall not torment all with another song (:

Verse 1
Not to us, O Lord, Not to us
But to You be the glory
Not to us, O Lord, Not to us
But to You be the glory

Pre-Chorus
For You are worthy
Of honor and glory and praise
And we give You Lord
Endless adoration

Chorus
We want to see You
High and lifted up over all the earth
We want to see
The people turn their hearts to praise You
We want to see You
Seated on the throne of glory
Because of Your great love
We will praise You Lord

Verse 2
Blessed be the name, blessed be
The holy name of God
Blessed be the name, blessed be
The holy name of God

God Bless all (:

the fountain of youth

2007-07-02T14:27:00.000+08:00

as we emerge from the little prickly shrubs, we shrug off the branches that attempt to catch onto our khaki colored shirts and pull us back from the destination; there in the distance, where fluffy clouds hover over, where a light drizzle finds sweet fellowship with thin rays of sunshine, lies our destination, it is a marvelously intricate piece of artwork, every curve designed with mastery, and it stands out in grand finesse among the patchy grass, a marble figure, glistening in the light - the fountain of youth.

of course we approach it slowly, suppressing the inner excitement that so bubbles from within, there is apprehension - could this be the legend fulfilled, was it all a hoax a myth? - but there ahead, it was cast in stone, more real than ever, and the treasure of youth leaped in streams of water from one end to another. it was for real. and we continue the approach, taking wary steps as we go.

finally, excitement boils over, and we both lunge forward for the coveted prize - that of eternal youth - and what a better day to find it.

had we not promised to go in together? why now were we tugging at each other's shirts, competing for the fountain? had desire blinded us, our eyes focused on the rushing water, forgetting the other who yearned the same. with a grand leap, you managed to make it there first, and i was left clutching at the air.

but suddenly we realize, the foolery of it all. what was eternal youth? what was peter pan's dream. even as you drank and i watched in envy. we realized that the gift of eternal life had already been given, freely, by the sacrifice of a lamb - the sacrifice of this man Jesus Christ.

Celebrate youth today. i'm going to miss the joys and the sadness, the fun and the trials. but don't forget to remember the Creator, all the days of your youth (:

(looking back at this post, i don't think it really made much sense, but i was simply trying to exercise some brain muscle, or maybe just escaping from the work that so demands my attention. ah that's me again.)

Father of the Fatherless

2007-06-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

Father of the Fatherless

an intro to this song, which was composed shortly after WOW, when people were sad about leaving the children behind. where i tried to send the email to say hi, but unfortunately, the email couldn't make it, how does one send to a Chinese email address (the draft is still there). but remember this, even as we continue to pray for these children (which i have forgotten, i confess) - that God is with them and watches them.

ok i admit it. this one sounds a little scrappy (: but well that's me...with the new recording editing program thing haha (:

Verse 1:
You loved the little children
You called them one by one
You took them in Your arms
And you sheltered them from harm
You said the little children were welcome to Your place
And you took them in Your loving embrace

Chorus:
You're a Father to the Fatherless
Protector of the weak
Your our light in the darkness
So mighty yet so meek
We know that you will hear
Because you're ever, ever so near

Verse 2:
We loved the little children
As Jesus Christ had done
We took them in our arms
But the farewell had to come
And as the we left the children
The tears began to flow
But we knew Lord
That You'll never let them go!

Verse 3:
And so the little children are safe in Your embrace
You never sleep You watch them
You cover them with grace
And someday we shall meet again
Caught up in the air
And we'll praise Him when we're there!

oceans will part

2007-06-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

it's been a tiring examination week, much time has been spent studying, some time has been spent praying, and at the end of it all, there's been ups and downs but God has remained very faithful. whilst at the playground one day i bobbed up and down on rhino the dino, thinking and just thinking - so strange, that i've become so horrible sometimes. and you find that you really start to hate the sinful portion of yourself - that's good i suppose.

returning from the uplifting session of worship and word at LoveMG, three months back exactly we were at the exact same auditorium; we took a wrong turn and walked back a crazy distance to the faraway bus-stop - we didn't do that today i guess. but walking from botanical gardens all the way meant good exercise after double scoops of Island Creamery. it was a rather lovely day today i guess - worship, friends, and just wow. began with solemn reflection. ended in praise.

oh well. prop me on the red chair Lord. we're all ready for it. aren't we?

Flame On!

dangerously calm

2007-06-24T16:28:00.000+08:00

when you're anxious and worried and concerned and (insert synonym here), that's terrible.
when you're calm, it's dangerously calm.

if you plot stress level against time span of exam, including the month preceding the exam, what you obtain is a demand curve, yes an inverse relationship - rather like that between volume and pressure at a constant absolute temperature and given a fixed amount of gas (so says Boyle's Law); and it's strange, perhaps we could attribute it the fact that some of us began revision earlier, but either way, it's worrying.

i'm blogging. i'm on msn. and i'm not planning to do much today save for calling and praying (cap-ping) the class. oh well. people are going to get peeved. but the blessing must be carried out i guess. as we approach the next term, we start on the right footing.

the sun shines after the brief shower (rain rain come and play!) oh yes. have i mentioned that on rainy days tim gains a two times multiplication in alertness and strength, and that the sun absolutely saps him of all energy. so you know now, to poison him, all you need to do is feed him sunshine bread (:

maybe. i should go get some English done. immerse myself in some literary jargon. or something. i always get worried at the strangest moments.

hopskotch skip

2007-06-23T22:23:00.001+08:00

it was a quiet evening when john and i stumbled into the yellow-blue-(and now red) building. on the school building some distance away a bible verse was etched across the top level - "Remember your creator all the days of your youth".

the covered play area (or as i always thought - the cupboard play area...terrible listening i had) was spotless, and the sticky flubber thing from primary three - that had been tossed upward by some mischief - was gone. many things were gone. but this was still a part of me. it was where i took those first formative steps toward schooling life. and here i was again. many years down. the past and present seemed to converge, as i took john down for a walk down memory lane.

the hopskotch boxes were available - whipping out the old wallet (always works), and john whipping out, first cheesy (to which i declined) then a couple of 'miaow' sweets, we began a round of innocent hopping. a real trip back to the old times, when such games - together with police and thief, pepsi cola 1 2 3, kuti-kuti (and more) fascinated our young minds. and they still do, now and then they still do. (:

and there. the school was different now. but yes, there's always a part that doesn't change and that remains forever and ever, and that part is in all our hearts. our minds. and our memories. these things don't fade.

memories. of 1D class fight, innocent barricades made of piles of school bags, artillery in the form of paper balls, confrontation with plastic files, and i got punished. another time, a second punishment, for harassing the girl who sat next to me in P2, for poking her pencil case and stationery. what a naughty boy i was. but it was fun. and memorable.

memories. of friends. teachers. and all who made a difference. and now. one day. maybe one day. our paths will cross again.

we had to climb over the gate later. they locked us out. (: john would fondly recall (:

and there. another bout of nostalgia. like tim always does. again and again. thank God for all the times He has been faithful (:

itchy calamine lotion

2007-06-17T21:23:00.000+08:00

like an excommunicated leper i sat aside from the rest on that little venture after youth retreat. youth retreat had been a real refresher - the many hours of rest, recreation and just chat, it all helped to reawaken a tired body - but there were many missed opportunities. so many, and i wish, i wish i had not let them go, i wish i had spoken more to the youths, that i had spent less time on the people i was comfortable with. sigh. but such were the things.

and that day upon returning. it was rather. there was some dilemma. eventually the decision was made. yup at least i got little cheesy-kins back. thanks Kenneth. that day made me realize again that there was one person who deserved my love most, and that was God.

sitting in the multistory carpark on a rainy afternoon. waiting for the thunder to subside (i so fear lightning), there were tears, but not much, still there were tears. i needed to rediscover God again. and yesterday, was a little sine curve, maybe of greater amplitude and given a horizontal stretch of factor half or so, but it was a sine curve. and in a flash of events (much like lightning), emotions went from up to down to up to down to up to down and it was nauseous.

ah ok i don't feel like going on. later.

fippo abduction

2007-06-13T14:17:00.000+08:00

sitting alone in front of the computer. typing again. on this hot afternoon - reminiscent of the many many in ChongQing - without dear cheesy by my side (yes John Tay you better return her quick quick). days have gone by like a flash - after many days of wah chee lunches, cramming studies into this little mind of mine, taking time out to spend with friends, countless hours in the quiet zone of the NUS library - finally there is time to take stock again.

what amazes me is how quickly we forget our heavenly existence sometimes. yesterday i just sat down after a long day of studies and worry - and i pondered. pondered. pondered. and pondering culminates in the realization that we need to spend more time with God - we are really not home yet. I recall an old song by Christian rock band Petra that went something like this:

we are pilgrims, in a strange land
we are so far, from our homeland
with each passing day it seems so clear
this world will never want us here
we're not welcome in this world of wrong
we are foreigners who don't belong

we are strangers, we are aliens
we are not of this world

we are envoys, we must tarry
with this message we must carry
there's so much to do before we leave
with so many more who may believe
our mission can never fail
and the gates of hell will not prevail!

we are strangers, we are aliens
we are not of this world

Jesus told us men would hate us
but we must be of good cheer
He has overcome this world of darkness
soon we will depart from here

so far from our homeland. yet sometimes i realize how easily we get caught up with the things of this world - how we start planning for our futures that are so distant, how we start speculating the events of years to come (and perhaps even tomorrow), how we take for granted the existence of tomorrow; how we worry and get anxious about things that won't happen any time sooner.

and we get satisfied with the world so easily - happy with the many things around us - that we forget that there's still so much to do. we are envoys, we must carry the message of Christ to those around us! urgently! urgently! i think, the danger is settling for satisfaction.

and yesterday i knelt and realized that i had done quite little (nothing perhaps) that was eternally significant in a long while.

maybe it was the lack of opportunity; but perhaps i had not prayed hard enough for opportunity.

sigh. i tried. the email to ChongQing couldn't make it ):

pray for more passion. more urgency. set our minds on things above (:

we are not home yet friends.

to those in the dumps

2007-06-09T19:06:00.000+08:00

just finished a cup of mcgee mee (yum, economics is always yummy, and dinner had to be brief given scarce amount of resources); another day at home, needless to say i (in the words of xl) ditched my fellow primers/S2s today for the studious pursuits. sigh. i can't say i don't feel bad, but i have learned to say no, simply because not doing so would hurt oneself sometimes. BB debrief today was also short, and i finally got the econs textbook (usefulness is questionable though) - with no sneaky two dollar notes (:

and this post is for all those (and they're all around) sitting on that pile of rubbish, down in the dumps, and searching for a way out. maybe it seems this comes from a higher vantage point, but well, don't take it that way. hey we all have our sine curves on this ride of life, maybe we're just on the wrong side of it now. but like all periodic trigonometrical curves, we'll get to the peaks one day.

it seems now. that nothing seems to work out. you can't seem to just leave it all behind. maybe it comes back to haunt you - in some incessant dream, some figure you meet every day, some figment of your imagination - but you really, really have to leave it behind. and pass it on to Jesus. maybe it was a regretful decision, but what's there to do now? just learn from the past, and ask God for wisdom to lead you on in the future. carry on now. carry on.

we all go through struggles. we all fall. but the difference comes with our reaction to that fall. are we going to sit and wait for the apple to fall on our head? or are we going to pick ourselves up and run on - ok not pick ourselves up, but trust God to give us that strength to do so.

some ask why such things happen. why does God make Christianity difficult? why does God allow for trials? remember that encouragement from the bible, James even opens his letter with this admonishment:

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

yup. that's it. trials are meant to shape us and harden us and teach us lessons. God doesn't want to torment us, in fact it hurts Him to see us hurt. but He loves us, and longs to bring us closer to Him, and what better way - yes though this is arguable - than through the testing of our faith. to realize that we need to draw closer to Him, that we are weak and He is so very strong!

(maybe this all sounds all too familiar. but it's the truth. just meditate upon it, and it becomes clear!)

Trust and obey my friends. there's no other way. to be happy in Jesus (:

and true joy comes from knowing that we're living in God's way. remember that. and rejoice through the happy and the sad.

and remember this. for when I'm sad....i'll need a reminder too (:

okazaki fragments

2007-06-08T13:08:00.000+08:00

work has taken its toll on me. need to go out for a walk.

a walk in the park perhaps. but the sun's a tad bit too hot. could someone get the air-conditioner working around here please? Singapore's on perpetual heater status, and the sun never seems to go down. home's our refuge from the sun. but home too is a chicken coop. and i'm starting to feel - claustrophobic.

need to get out. to where the woods are. a walk in the woods. the yellow paths that diverge, the leaves that carpet the loamy soil, the birds that tweet and chirp in one accord, and the acorns that descend with every advancing step. need to get away to some place like that. where powdery snowflakes would bring relief to this overheated mind of mine. but for now, marshmallows suffice. somehow.

the only canned soup nearby - for the boost of energy - is one sinisterly known as 'campbell'. except opening it yields no reward, no comfort, no mushroom delightful surprise, just words upon words of campbell (and reese) and biology. pooey. you never thought tim could make a fuss over work. i don't make much sense when i'm tired i guess.

whatever happened to those serious contemplative posts? maybe when i have more free time. maybe. for now. it's just this messy state of affairs. need to get a bath. maybe. it's too hot.

and next. for chemistry. bon voyage. to (sum to infinity) and beyond!

maybe just maybe. what we all need now. is some true bonding. we all need to breathe. remember our true function in life. time is scarce. make the most of it i guess. and spend time with God please. all of you.

the colours of the wind

2007-06-07T12:18:00.000+08:00

can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

certain things i lack the determination to complete. WOW reflections are but such a chore given circumstances, sometimes there's simply too much to say but too little time to share. something's bursting out from within, i simply can't contain the joy, but i guess a great amount of joy doesn't have to mean an endless post of words. LDC and WOW have left me simply speechless. the holidays have been filled with an unspeakable joy - one that is hardly marred by the onset of studies and homework.

somehow, work seems but a distant thought now, as distant as that brightest star every night (yes if you look carefully you'll always find the same one); just want to sing, sing the highest song ever; just want to gaze on and thank God for every moment He has blessed me with. maybe easing up was the right thing to do after all.

sleepless nights in LDC, sincerest prayers and worship, an unforgettable hike with a band of Sec3s who just kept going, and on the last day - that gift of salvation, it came in a pair, from our Lord Jesus Christ.

rum rum tum tum. strum strum the guitar. lunch was just mum mum. yum yum (:
thanks for the chewy (chewy chewy chewy ommmph ba ba) mochi (:

ah why am i over the moon. why. you silly fool. there's exams, there's Chinese A2 homework. there's so much stress, so much to do, so little time, and you're wasting it on an equally wasteful blog post that is going nowhere. you silly rambutan (ah canned fruit), nothing productive done at all. there's everything to be stressed, everything to be worried and sad about.

but somehow. there's still a smile on the face (:, if not the face, then in the heart (:

and i do hope this smile stays strong. and that it's one that's propped up by the gracious hands of God. (look Ma no hands!)

i suppose. usually i would try to blog everything, every moment of the camps and the WOW. but i think, i have given up. really. it's there in the mind, for an eternity, and certain emotions, certain feelings, to post them, would be to dilute them to a point of blandness.

and picture paints a thousand words. more than a thousand this time. a million perhaps. just so many many words that tell so many many stories.

and i'm like a child. sitting at the feet of the old storyteller, reliving every moment of this blessed life.

WOW Worship: Of Bibles and Bones

2007-06-01T14:53:00.000+08:00

somehow, in this short window of time that i have salvaged, the story continues, but perhaps not for long, seeing that LDC beckons, pre-camp demands our presence and i shall have to leave quite soon. with biology swirling around within the mind, ATP supply just replenished over lunch, i shall now attempt to continue this miraculous story of grace (gosh why have i even expended time and effort on this introductory paragraph...)

forgot the last time to mention the name of this blessed school, this school that we weren't supposed to go to, and only by chance (or miracle, whichever you prefer), a roadblock meant that we had to change course, and so end up in this school - 天赐学校. for all the Chinese illiterate (i trust not many), that would mean 'sky-given', or in our Christian perspective case, 'God-given'. What a blessed name! a school commissioned by God, given by God; perhaps the students never realised the significance, but for us there, the implication was clear. and God, yes God was going to work! some way or another.

and the second day commenced with organizing the library, at least for a few chums such as John Tay, Deon, Benlee, I and a few others. Deon, with great precision started to write out sticky identification tags to paste on the sides of the books whilst the rest of us stood around and waited for further instruction. the library was a small enclosed space, perhaps about half the size of a regular room in Singapore, the cabinets lining the perimeter of that tiny space containing shelf upon shelf of Chinese books; later on, i adjourned for a moment to help in the painting work being done in the neighbouring room

in case memories of the previous days' painting ensue, it wasn't furniture painting this time, but actual what-we-do-in-art-class painting; thin sheets of mahjong paper, a few pencils (sharpened with jack knives) and colored paints that never seemed to mix properly; i found myself working alongside Alvin and Hadi, quite a humorous pair, and they enlisted my help in drawing - lo and behold, a unicorn.

I didn't really know how a unicorn was like, so i tried to draw a horse and somehow managed to sketch a horn upon the top of its head. the juxtaposition of horn and horse wasn't quite perfect but will do will do, seeing that it all fell into that theme of fairytale - yes there was Alvin's giant carrot, a rather out of place pikachu (yes i remembered how to draw pokemon from primary school!), flying balloons, flying pigs, angels adorned with halos standing upon a skyscraper. and everything had wings.

we wanted to tell them, to soar and pursue whatever their dreams were

the second piece of art was equally fantastic - or at least it was meant to be - the 12 animals of the zodiac were sketched - but the children kept laughing at our inability to draw realistically; maybe the tiger did look like a kitty cat, the snake looked like a worm, the dragon was all black (yup, spilled calligraphy ink haha), the monkey was a stick figure, and the pig had sunglasses; but laughter was all that mattered. At the end of it, we topped it up with a chalk fight, grating chalk into chalk dust, tossing and rubbing it off on each other. that was my morning;

but something wonderful was happening in the library

John Tay sneaked behind Benlee as Benlee provided the necessary cover (though i never knew Benlee, with his relatively thin figure, could provide that much blockage); they slipped about six Gideon bibles into the library that day, sandwiched between the Chinese books, camouflaged under the many others; and that was that. planting the seeds of the Gospel. but you might ask, what's the use? seeing that the bibles were in English. we asked the same question. and God would answer us in time to come.

the mass dance came up soon; we thought we were supposed to teach the children how to dance; but apparently we ended up simply doing it as a performance in front of the whole school. so yes, we walked on sunshine in front of the whole school, and did a pretty decent job. The break-dancers of course, decided to give their own rendition, which i didn't quite manage to pick up though i thought it was worth learning. nevermind. tim is no breaking material, i should just stick with being good old mugger boy tim.

later on; we were shocked. oh no. we had to come up with five more performances on the spot. yes. five (must have been the fitting relationship it had with us being in Year 5, nah maybe they just wanted to torment us, or maybe they loved us much, yes i think they loved us much); so we panicked, and somehow, we found a way to stand up under the pressure.

alright. we started with the hokey pokey, bought time for Mich, Sarina and Lucy (our lovely dancers!) to come up with a performance, which they executed quite delightfully; Eve, Benlee, Ben and I sang and harmonized the 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle' (yup yup!); The breakers gave a lovely rendition that saw Seb Chua in his coolest element (haha); our Kum-Ba-Yah and Amazing Grace practices didn't go to waste. and finally, we taught Twinkle Twinkle little star.

well. later. i sat in the sea of Year 9 girls. and was taught how to speak in ChongQing dialect! yes! they were all so enthusiastic. how wonderful." 好巴实！哇塞！" heh.

and the best was yet to come (in true ACSian style). here's the story:

as we watched the basketball match that afternoon, the girls surrounding me, it suddenly occurred to me that i should, i should remember these girls, for their bubbly antics, for their warmth and laughter; there were several cards in my haversack, and i opened the bag to take them out, asking the girls if i could get a signature or a short message written on these cards; needless to say, they obliged.

and whilst i opened the bag, they peered inside, and saw many books, and asked out of curiosity what these books were about. i stuck my hand in again, fished about among my card trick and secret book, to stumble upon the only Gideon bible i had. and i took it out, passed it to them, told them what it was. they grabbed it, with much excitement, opened it and saw that it was in English.

it was in English. their faces fell. but lighted up as they saw some familiar Chinese characters.

it was John 3:16 in Chinese. and as they read. i saw excitement, anticipation. but then they turned to me and said they didn't understand.

there and then, i saw the opportunity. and strangely, i had the courage (from God i suppose) to seize it. and i asked them about Christianity, and Jesus, they said they heard about Jesus before in History class, but didn't know much beyond that; there, I shared a 3 minute gospel, with my limited Chinese ability, but God provided the words - thankfully.

and there stared on in shock. they nodded. they knew what i was talking about. and they listened attentively. i think i realised at that time why God had allowed the girls to be drawn to me, not an ego-boost, not anything of that sort. but for that very moment.

and i told them to keep the bible. it came back to me later on.

i passed the bible to a guy named 胡健 from the same Grade 9 class, and asked him to pass it on to the girls, asked the girls to keep them. and i had told the girls that if any time they needed hope, they needed light, they could remember that verse from John 3:16. also, i left them some hope that somehow, a Chinese bible would make it to them. somehow.

and farewells followed. some hope glimmered in my heart. perhaps that made the farewell easier. but as i turned the final corner, and jumped and waved again, the girls waved back with the rest of my class and 胡健, and my heart sank a little, but was lifted again by God's work in that lovely school. i didn't cry. maybe i would have. but i didn't. somehow.

that night. we returned. and soon. the bone came.

but that's another story for another day. i'd best be off now, to polish, to pack, and to spend time with God before leaving. yup. see ya guys after LDC. may God keep the passion fresh in our hearts, and i hope God will work in LDC as well! (:

WOW Worship

2007-05-31T12:39:00.000+08:00

plonked myself face-down on my mattress in the wee hours of the morning. what a run. wow. simply amazing. and like an athlete completing the final leg of the race, i stepped over the finishing line, and found myself in the soothing dream-world of the after-hours. how surreal, thinking back now, and many memories that can never be erased. woke up to reminiscence this morning, and the bittersweet scent of good ol' coffee...

DAY 1 -欢迎，欢迎，热烈欢迎！

a cold wind swept across our faces. we thought it was going to be hot. we were told it was going to be hot. hot like a wok. hot like Singapore. but it was 18 degrees centigrade that afternoon we arrived. after a grueling 5 hours in transit, we were slapped awake by that frosty wind. not to say we didn't enjoy it - Singaporeans always enjoy a cool breeze - we just didn't expect it.

half-shut eyes. i recall ending a late night farewell call and heading down to Changi Aiport at some unearthly hour. picking up a Jollibean (oh so jolly) and celebrating Alexander (the Great's) birthday. meeting up with familiar faces from those headed for Kunming, an air of warmth in the air - oh yes i recall giving Lua a nice big hug. our A div' had lost both Rugby and Tennis that day, but but, there was still a sense of happiness yes! like there always is!

so a China Eastern flight followed. and this leads us to the lovely bus ride up and down the Chongqing mountainside. yes. Chongqing, the land of mountains and valleys. of mist that shroud the hidden peaks and create an air of unsolved mystery. We slept away the bus ride, of course i frantically tried to cram in a few more card trick maneuvers but my brain wasn't working very well (perhaps it was the cold. it must have been). Our lovely tour guide introduced herself - Jasmine - the English wasn't perfect but we loved your company still!

and i talked to Alex about balloons - yes i heard 5.7's marvelous plans to doodle on balloons - so i suggested getting some balloons from China. somehow.

and there they were. as we entered. ironically. clapping with a balloon in each hand. we climbed up those steps lined with multicolored balloons, psychedelic, and the air was filled with the incessant chanting of "欢迎，欢迎，热烈欢迎!"...

a part of my heart sank. i wondered. who was being served. us or them?
and why. why had they put so much effort in for us?

there was a short introduction. Class chairman Daniel gave a (not bad for ACSian) introduction in Mandarin. yes and on that point. i shall speak a little on the language in that area

they spoke Chinese - like all Chinese people. and something struck me. that it was not for no reason that we were Singaporean. and bilingual for that matter. people like Evelyn and Hadi struggled, but most of us, we had attained a certain standard of Chinese over the years - and finally we could put it to use. The trip reminded me of Thailand, of Khon Kaen, except, now, I was able to communicate with every person effectively. and there was a reason behind it. from the first day. there was a reason behind it.

not much left. we returned to Tian Ti hotel. people had a time in the sulfurous hot spring. John Tay and I were faithful room mates. Benlee's guitar was safely tucked in a closet in the room. oh yes. the guitar - the 'A' string broke on the plane, and finally i found some use for the simple reef knot, and by God's grace, the guitar was repaired. yippee!

Devotions that night. it was short. it was small. the girls weren't allowed in by Madam's instruction. but i guess. it was a start. of many things to come.

DAY 2 - First Contact

the China flag was raised as the children stood at attention, eyes fixed on the red and yellow colors that were being propped upon a pole, some donned red scarfs as they placed their hands in a respectful salute. it was quiet. and solemn. but for a moment. soon, announcements were made, and we were off to our respective classes. my group - Mervyn, Alex, John, Benlee, Sankaran and I went off to the Grade 9 class with a stout man named Mr Hu.

a program had been prepared, aimed mostly at cross-cultural interaction. a round of introductions, there were so many Chinese names i couldn't catch. but i tried to introduce myself confidently - and even Sankaran yes. even Sankaran (who was suspected of being African) introduced himself in beautiful Chinese haha.

and the teacher. oh my. Mr Hu was smoking in class. in front of all the students. i felt quite sad. but i guess that's the way the village life is...):

silence ensued. i guess there's always this silence when it comes to interaction. especially among Chinese students - yes a common stereotype but observation tells me that Chinese people are just oh so shy. eventually, we decided upon a strange modification of pass the parcel, complete with the steady drumming of our hands upon the waist high wooden tables. as the rhythm accelerated the balloon was passed around frantically - till it landed in the hands of an unfortunate someone who had to make a presentation.

it began with some riddles, a couple of jokes, and eventually some girls who gave a shockingly great acapella singing performance (yes, including our dear 'Audrey girl' who i remember fondly dressed in a green blouse with yellow polka dots); and then it came to us. and for a moment we were just stumped. but as all clever Singaporeans (and one equally smart Malaysian), we chose to collude and came out with some presentations on the spot:

Benlee's classical guitar rendition of that (ah i can't remember the name) romance piece (that John Tay went mad over); Alex's rousing magic card performance (hmmm mine was yet to come i guess); and we wanted to sing a song, but the balloon never did return to us so that was a fortunate/unfortunate (i can't decide) thing.

later break came. and with break came table tennis. yes the story of table tennis must be told.

and there in the school, were two table tennis tables made of stone, yes made of stone. carved over the millions of years (ok i'm exaggerating here but you get the point). and the children congregate at these tables every break time for a time of fun and fellowship. badminton was equally popular among the kids, and it seemed that every child was occupied - those not engaging in sport looked on from the classroom block (in awe? in excitement?)

either way, they all seemed like pros - more so in the contrast that we so graciously provided. yes, we fumbled, we smashed wide, we missed the simplest returns, and eventually they decided to (in horrid Singlish) 'give chance'. so they 'gave chance' and we started to catch up a little till they decided to revert back to full force. which was sad. haha. oh well. John Tay had quite a run, and Benlee as well. but we were always ousted - eventually.

well i wanted to play as well. but eventually i got 'koped' for photo-taking. gosh. can u imagine 10 Chinese girls on your tail?! seriously, i was flattered (ok maybe not), but well, it was a little freaky, at least Alex was there to share the poster-boy moment and it wasn't that scary.

and i finally wielded my card tricks. and learned card terminology in Chinese. yay me! everyone was quite flabbergasted, though i felt i did the tricks rather...badly? haha.

returning to English class. i was democratically chosen (which means i didn't have a choice) to be the teacher. and i guess that only caused the girls to become stickier later on. we taught them stuff they already knew, and felt quite dumb for underestimating their capabilities, but still, i guess it was a meaningful time of laughing and sharing a few happy moments. i was quite the bubbly teacher i usually am, prancing along the blackboard (yes chalk and all), drawing rather strange illustrations, making silly gestures, but that's me. and i guess they remembered me as the clown. heh.

and we ended with the hokey-pokey. i don't really know what got into us. but we chose the hokey-pokey. ok it was MMS's (that's Maye, Mich and Sarina) idea, but well i think we pulled it off and the loved the part when it came to the butt. yup. shake it all around!

Painting was next. the corridors reeked of everything green and sticky (that's paint by the way). but with all painting - de-rusting preceded. Gosh. De-rusting. you know. Khon Kaen all over again. it was tough and all, we had our masks on to prevent brain damage from excessive rust inhalation (that was a common worry yes :P); and the most touching part was - all the children helped out, whether young or old. and they all came to paint to derust and simply to show moral support. so full of warmth, as we hurried up and down the stairs.

every stroke, a stroke of love.

and Chemistry came to life, i used organic solvent to wash the paint off! ok that was rather, out of point i guess. it wasn't the best paint job ever. but it was the heart that mattered? after everything, there were stains everywhere. stains on the stairs, on our clothes, on our faces, on our hair (ahahaha Maye you kena!). some others did gardening. but because the paint was green, we all ended up with green fingers. haha. haha. get it? green fingers? ok nevermind.

(and at this point. i shall carry on with the story that evening, in order to prevent a continuation of the bout of madness)

that night. we had our first devotion session as a class. the girls were permitted, we held it in Mervyn's room. the invitation was given. and so many came, albeit quite late they came, but still they came, and it was simply awesome. John and I led, sowed the seeds, told them the vision for this WOW, that we might bless the school, and also work on class unity - to mend the broken relationships if there were any. that night, we were surprised. Chen Min, Lucy were there, non-Christians, but they were present. Praise God.

and we taught the 'BB song', please Lord, bind our class together.

"You're my brother You're my sister, now take me by the hand...
...As long as there is love, we will stand"

a beautiful rhyming couplet, that echoed through the night.

(but i got scolded for exceeding lights out haha. but that didn't matter i guess. Day 3 was to come, and God would continue moving. yes!!)

to be continued. i promise i'll try

Mailbox

2007-05-23T16:56:00.000+08:00

thanks (:

twas' a great encouragement before WOW.

and oops i brought it along with me. how silly.

the two dollars will find its way back. someday.

Obstacles to Happiness

2007-05-22T20:51:00.000+08:00

ever wondered. what made it so hard to be happy?

for you happy people out there. perhaps, just perhaps, this post doesn't concern you. but if general observations have been right, then a good majority of you must be wondering what makes it difficult to be happy, because, i don't know, it's just been rather tough.

first. you need to dispel sadness. look beyond what's bothering you. look to God our Father who cares oh so much for us. commit to him. and thank Him. realize that He loves you. and ask Him to do what's best for you - yes, His will above ours.

no guarantee of happiness though. but guarantee of peace and joy - of knowing that you're living in His will.

but sometimes. happiness and joy do come hand-in-hand. but i just don't know when.

and that's the toughest part.

it's when i finally make my way over that last mountain of despair, inching my way over the final peak, and arrive on the happier, brighter side. there's happiness, but i start to question this happiness - where did such happiness come from.

often i tell people that i get sad when i'm too happy. why? i don't know, maybe i'm just strange - but sadness feels reassuring, tells me that i'm still being bothered, that i still have something to turn to God about; too happy, too caught up, and we tend to forget God.

i wonder. this happiness. did i create it for myself? or was it God-given? or was it God-allowed?

now there's a difference. there is there is.

i wonder. this happiness. was it a result of my own will? or God's will?

how can i tell. honestly. how can i?

when God's silent. when i suddenly start missing qt. what's that mean?

is it a punishment? or is it a test to wait?

i guess. i'll never really know. keep praying. i guess. that's what we all say.

Mua Chee and Wa Chee

2007-05-20T18:19:00.000+08:00

it's one of those days again. when you look out of the window. the sky's just perfect, the perfect tinge of blue, and the perfect combination of differently-shaped clouds.

there! there's a strip of sandy coast along the lagoon; and again one that gracefully bends over the skyscraper like a massive brontosaurus; ah yes one that resembles the printed A4 paper that the printer churns out industriously - a full 62 sheets of paper in a day, oh no! one that approximates a - is that for real? - sigma notation sign, oh gosh, the questions about math portfolio are starting to rain down upon me.

and in the distance. one like mua chee (: which is pretty much anything. because mua chee can look like anything. wrapped in peanuty-sugary goodness. exciting (:

mua chee and wah chee. how many memories have come as a result of these two chees?

(meanwhile the printer has stopped. and the math portfolio is out. joy! thanks God (: )

loving mua chee was a past-time from way back when. it was love at first sight - first taste perhaps - softness mixed with crunchy peanuts - and appealing my horribly evil sweet tooth (which applies for most things except chocolate haha). no one expected that wok of oil and sticky mass of white to taste so brilliant (:

Queensway shopping center. one of the few ol' faithfuls that still sell this treat (:. somehow it became a place of my childhood - where my nai(3) ma(1), literally milk mum, took me to sell newspapers and magazines. and i would be a really good boy. i suppose. i was always quite a good boy, and i always got my mua chee as a result. wonderful.

otherwise. mua chee was a rare sight, appearing only in those transient and passing pasar malams, sadly; and i would always wish that those pasar malams would set up and never leave - the familiar glow of the pasar malam at night was something i could never forget.

and three years back, upon arriving at Causeway Point, where the new Fairfield Preaching Point would be established, i recall stumbling upon this little quaint store in Cold Storage, the aunty had a familiar wok positioned in front of her. and it was love at first sight - again, with mua chee, and not the aunty (oh gosh i'm so poetic today). Every week, without fail, i would go down and visit, and gradually i learnt more about this aunty, and we did grow a little close i guess, there was at least some recognition - you know, like the school bao aunty and I (:

and one day. she just disappeared. into nothingness. i remembered the wave of disappointment that swept across my heart - and it wasn't just the loss of mua chee, but the loss of someone i actually knew. and emptiness ensued - like those many many times - empty like the wok that stood before me. no more.

and more recently. mua chee has come back to haunt me. and well well. a blessing and a delight. ah well three mua chees in a week. and the fourth was delivered at least to make someone happy (: - and full i guess - how can one have mua chee for dinner? gosh.

and i believe. many memories are yet to come.

and how about wah chee? this little stall positioned a stone's throw away from home. a place of communion and fellowship, a place where love abound since last December. a place for hope and ministry. and place where friendships were forged (:

In the words of Wesley - wah chee isn't a place - it's a concept. post BB, post school is greeted with a 'wah chee', not a visit to wah chee. and anyone new to BB is often initiated with that maiden trip down to our dear stall. wow. the many memories there.

and the late nights. and nights under the stars. where i lay many times with friends and simply chatted the day ahead - where our testimonies were shared, where we built each other up. I thank God, he's been so great. so great. (and now i shall go spend time with Him)

and there we met. and there perhaps, we shall part some day.

some day. i wish it wouldn't come.

but well.

wait a minute Mr Postman

2007-05-20T02:43:00.000+08:00

...postman pat, postman pat
postman pat and his black and white cat
early in the morning...

early in the morning. unthinkable time now. but frustration ensues. and it's not just the work.

I'm sorry Lord. again. i wish i could pray. i wish i could watch. but it's getting increasingly tougher and harder. and i'm struggling.

strange how one saturday can be filled with moments of chicken rice marathon ecstasy, yet be tainted by the sadness of sleeping on QT (again); today was quite a happy day - pre camp and all was so exciting, so fun-filled, so meaningful, so tiring. but it had to end in this way. i mean. the usual emptiness didn't even ensue. but it had to end this way.

Have you ever had these moments where...you start to hate yourself. not in the sense of not loving yourself, but becoming absolutely disgusted with that sinful, ugly part of yourself, and wish you were free. but cannot be free? ever?

i chewed on ah balling today. one was sesame. two were peanut. i never knew what the fourth was. perhaps we'll never know.

and we'll never know. aye. God just save me. please.

and i wait. again. upon you. for you. where are you mr postman? i'm waiting for that letter.

that letter from ahhh. from God.

and i'll receive one day, open it's little seal. to find, with pleasant surprise, a package of love. and this package is wrapped with grace, stuffed with forgiveness; and inside there sits a rather quaint card - on it the picture of a stubby candle, still aflame. and on it, the inscription:

pass it on tim. pass it on. pass this love on to my sheep.

ah. but i'm so sinful Lord. ah but i'm so inadequate. so tired. so inadequate.

and the wrapping suddenly reminds me:

My grace is sufficient for you

stay far please ):

2007-05-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

even as i picked up that packet of mua chee today - from the ever faithful Queensway shopping center (faithful in this ever-changing world where mua chee is fast disappearing - some warmth seemed to emanate from the peanut laden delight. heat always did move from higher regions of heat to cooler regions of heat. perhaps I was just cold today.

you have to push out at this certain angle, to deal with him. he comes and goes like the ups and downs of the roller coaster rides. he is the reason why you begin to sink, to fade into the icy Antarctic waters, dark and murky; the reason why you find yourselves perched on the rooftop, overlooking the world, and suddenly are filled with a sense of emptiness. the unspoken void. it is speechless. it has to be. otherwise it wouldn't be empty.

you have to push him aside. sadly, i don't think i've found the right angle yet.

but before i become hopelessly beaten and consumed. by God's grace, i will emerge from this dust, this debris of math portfolio, concrete chunks of urban poetry, unsolved stoichiometric equations, and just a lot of other burdens that need to be shrugged off. Finding joy and peace in God is certainly the first step - but there are plenty to go.

School. well school has just been school. i'm so afraid of going into the whole routine of it all. I do want to be passionate for FireAC, WOW, BB, ahhhh but I can't I can't - I reach deep into the bowels of my heart, but there is little left. and i won't hide that fact. but i pray that God will...yes 'stir it up in my heart'. please do (:

and till then. back to work. back to the world. but we must remember that we are not of this world..

Reminiscence

2007-05-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

I don't know what just struck me, but it did; some describe nostalgia as the smell of rich coffee; mine was nothing like that i suppose, but it still caught me unprepared, and perked me up, yes, at least it perked me up from the swamp of despair.

reminiscence is:
recalling our innocent childhood

= endless pillowfights i cherish, but there were repercussions; my my my nose used to punish me for those fun times with papa.

= endless pokemon adventures with stuffed toys - got to catch them all!

= baby snails on the staircases through the endless rain

= trying to do a mary poppins with the umbrella when the wind got ferocious on rainy days, yes i would have just flown away to the endless skies

= endless comic strips, endless because i never got down to finishing them, always open-endings, love them, don't you?

= cuddling up with mum every night to sleep in the hall. some nights were endless, darkness overwhelmed sometimes, but God took care of us with his endless arms.

= realising how endless this list is.

and some part of me thinks ahead one and a half years. and realise, that yet another milestone of life is coming to pass. sometimes i just. just. don't want it to all end.

but like sand through our fingers. i grip on tight. just to let those little grains slip through, gradually, till not a grain remains...

happysad moments (: ):

2007-05-13T00:13:00.000+08:00

God's been great. aye. what more can i say.

people have told me - that tim you've changed - yes other than the fact that i seem to lose increasing amounts of weight, tim has changed to become less of the crazy-screw loose chap or the yesteryears. but i guess change was inevitable, sobering up was simply to come. aiya i think i spend too much time thinking and too much time alone.

suggestion perhaps to daydream more and to let my mind go wild again, spend time sliding on the imaginary slides fabricated in the mind, swing up and down, wind through your hair, try in vain to make your way across those playground monkey bar things - never was much of a chimp myself. slipslidinsplendid times in the imaginary playground of the mind. it's been a long time since i've awakened that me, and he seems to be sitting alone in the playground, waiting for his playmate to return..

why have i grown to love the rain, the splatter against the body, the sound of melted drops of cirrus; seems so depressing. so melancholic. my dad says i should play more songs in the major keys, but i tell him that wouldn't be me. minor keys minor keys are what make the world go round. you cannot have happy without sad. nor sad without happy.

and you have to settle for happysad moments

happysad moments defined by a sense of happiness followed by the aftertaste of sadness. or sometimes a strange sense of gratitude and glee proceeds from initial bouts of sadness. happysad happysad, happy comes first though, it's not merely alphabetical, does it not make sense? that happy should always take the first place.

joy in the Lord. joy in the Lord. O grant us joy and direction for the LTC camp Lord. Where would we be without you? I don't think the Lord would want to hide stuff from His children, so we just have to be there to listen to His plan. and yield to it.

(oh a side note. bb was oh so happy today. happy bdae Fab (:. happy BB-initiation day eve. and happysad day to me)

today my cousin and i spoke whilst walking laps around the koi pond - this thing about koi ponds amazes me, though our school pond has dropped in terms of visibility, but the fish swim happily maybe that's what matters - but we shared much, and realized how much we were struggling alongside each other - and we did pray eventually, that God would take precedence in everything.

I'm walking on sunshine. class dance. i got really twisted yesterday. i think it was a tough dance, even John Tay couldn't do it - ok i don't know why i use John as a standard but i shall. and we shall room together, i don't care (:

ok i shall end on this heavy-eyed note (: thanks God

Transformed

2007-05-09T21:20:00.000+08:00

presenting ourselves as living sacrifices to God

we're being transformed -transformed, it's a process, so don't be discouraged at the moment, don't be discouraged at falling short now - yes haha transformed into his everlasting beautiful likeness.

(: it's been yet another long week of school. softball. pings and pongs of the softball bat. chemistry investigations that are 20-titration long. and my nose my nose. >< my nose is stuffed, i need to stand up and walk around more. that means less studying. and more pacing and studying. yes. and eating ice cream does not make your sore throat feel better.

gathering today on the great Dr Ong missile silo (yes we conjectured that it spins around at 3a.m. - upward or downward we're not sure, but either way it would be rather extraordinary to have secret base 7 feet down ya?), many came along today to pray and bind together our hearts in prayer for all those anxious ones taking exams. blazing through the SAC and sec2 levels haha (: boy that was something to remember.

aye yes sean. i have been more sombre this year. but i shall aspire to have bouts of madness again.

oh by the way (as an afterthought...)

-=Everlasting Way=-

haha lyrics are up before. God bless all (: keep praying.

The Everlasting Way

2007-05-06T22:49:00.000+08:00

composed this little song during QT today, when i realized again how easily we all stray from Jesus. And a little thought in my head led me to Psalms 139, which had this to say at the end:

"Search me and know my heart,
test me and know my anxious thoughts,
See that there is no offensive way in me
And lead me in the everlasting way"

music isn't out yet. but maybe soon. haha. (:

Verse 1
Today is the day
that I want to say
that I've lost my way
Forgive me I pray

I come with confidence before You
For your mercies know no end
and I know that when I pray You'll hear
And take my hand again

Chorus 1
Lead me in the way everlasting
Take me down the roads of righteousness
Jesus you're the way everlasting
Help me live for You more each day

Verse 2
So often we stray
From your righteous way
Like sheep gone astray
We've wandered and lost our way

But Jesus You're the greatest Shepherd
and You'll gather us to You
to restore your flock
and lead us once again (oh Lord we pray)

Chorus 2
Lead us in the way everlasting
Take us down the roads of righteousness
Jesus you're the way everlasting
Help us live for You more each day

I do pray the the Lord will keep us on level paths for His righteousness sake. even as we approach the end of Term 2, He really hasn't stopped being faithful. not at all (: and He's blessed us so bountifully and abundantly.

aye. FireAC. where to now? God. lead us we pray. and to all who still believe in the cause, let's join hands and seek God together!

Squash and Slam

2007-05-05T23:04:00.000+08:00

(was debating over the title - hmmm 'Squash and Slam' or 'Slam and Squash', one of those silly questions you ask yourself when your brain is overloaded with studies and you just need a break from the complex world of it all. aye, Chinese A2, why did i take Chinese A2? oh ya, to get into non-intact class haha. maybe not. sigh.)

it's been a rather long week - actually every week is equally long, 7 hours, 168 hours, 10080 minutes (yes all this was done mentally haha), but some weeks seem longer than others for strange reasons - one of those 'oops-i-forgot-to-blog' weeks which leaves me struggling to remember the main events of the days that have passed by so swiftly.

meanwhile. my nose begins its training for the Olympics in Beijing - yes it has begun running (get it? haha) - my throat just gives me problems that even the fisherman's best friend cannot combat effectively. aye. I can't focus on work like this, which explains why I'm on the computer now. no wait, I'm suppose to be typing spiritual blueprint, and to search for magic tricks - yes tim is going to be a magician for the China kids on OEP, with my lovely assistant..(um) John Tay. (:

FireAC is sort of in a crisis. numbers are never the objective. yet I guess their a fitting indicator of where we're going and heading. on a rather solemn wednesday morning, i was lured into the deadly wet trap of the spiral-in-the-middle-of-IB-blocks, sat and got my bum all wet ):. but nevermind everyone else came as well and got themselves wet.

about 13 people got wet that day.

it used to be 50. well we knew people would come and go. but all that remained now were the core group. and hopefully this group will not break for the time being. we stared at the sky and wondered. in the end we prayed for the Sec4s exams, with our dwindling strength.

(I guess Thursday night did deserve special mention as the night that tim did not manage to do any work at all. piano was pretty tempting that day, and as usual, the melancholic minor chords ensue. melancholy did reach a high on thursday i guess, even as we shifted the tables - yes our wonderful backstage crew! - back for the council members. many people were troubled. ahh. my class as well. i wonder what's up. got to know them better. spent too much time away from my class already...)

Something prompted a meeting in 5.7 - we listed names and took minutes (classic BB style oops). but that day me and John ended up late for Squash finals as well. oh well. we had to get there ourselves.

Squash finals. we won eventually. but John and I ended up with wet socks and a long walk back to the MRT station with tess. sigh. i think we lost the bet with Merv and ended up in school later. so. first A div championship. Bravo! and it was fun watching Alastair's (yes i get the spelling right here!) enthusiastic gestures (:

and after SQUASH came SLAM (oh haha). that was a night to remember i guess. just pure inter-cohort bonding. light(stick)s, cameras, action! and the music was not bad for the better part of the performance. was inspired. went back rather late. and that was a second day without any sort of work done. sadly. but it was meaningful. and of course, i caught the cold from a certain someone *cough* (of course it remains a suspicion, but who else?)

and at least. at least. that day didn't end with as much emptiness as i would have anticipated. you know. the sort you get after a big day of events. at least there was less.

Saturday came and went. i think i need to do spiritual blueprint now.

and for all who noticed my temporal bout of emo today. thanks. but sorry for causing concern ):

and it's better now haha. in case you're wondering. (:

Closer than a Brother (:

2007-05-01T21:09:00.000+08:00

I realized with fondness today, the significance of the words from a song 'Lord you are Good'

"at times I do not see You, even though You were close by"

recalling the two disciples on the Road to Emmaus, who walked on and talked about Christ, about the events of the preceding days, filled with grief, yet having a tinge of hope remaining - yes it was the third day! and whilst walking they meet a stranger, who begins to unravel the many prophecies and words of the past, strengthening their faith and reminding them of the things that were promised. They indite him to a meal. and when He breaks the bread, they realize who He is:

Did our hearts not burn within us as He spoke those words?

remember Joshua on the night before the conquest of Jericho - who ran into a commander and questioned his allegiances - only to bow down before Him at the realization of who He really was.

somehow. the Lord is ever so near. how many times have we gone along life not realising that He is battling the storms of life alongside us?

alone but never really alone.

those many times i walked home alone, he was there giving me a pat on the back, telling me that He was there for me in all the times of confusion and pain. and i chose to ignore. but still, he never left, never did, never will. And i trust that for all who are going through tough times now, he will never let you be plucked out of his everlasting arms!

he was there for Elijah under the juniper tree - he was there for me - and for many many other people. and he's there for you (:

smile. He's closer than you think.

Closer than a brother
no longer, so far away
Jesus, now I can touch you
feel you in my heart
every time i start to give you praise
I know you're getting closer!

(now i shall proceed to labour, on this uneventful labour day, save the Macdonald's breakfast...hmm, wonderful times with family, wonderful times with God (: )

Learning Loneliness

2007-04-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

when God wants you to learn to delight in Him wholly and wholeheartedly -
when He wants you to know that He loves you more than anyone else -

Jesus is all the world to me - can we truly say this?
Better is one day in your courts - than a thousand elsewhere?

and He showed me what it was like to feel alone. it was painful.
and He showed me what it was like to be with Him only. i think it it was meant to be joyful.
but why couldn't I spend it well with Him.
why so dependent on people.

shouldn't let worldly things sway our emotions
joy is certain - it is deep - and shan't be easily taken away
surely the Lord will keep me joyful.

as we shot each other today. the fray along the corridor.
the 3 kg guns running circuits in the IB block.
friends are so important ya?
but i know we should all place God above all.
He is after all - our best friend. but this is so hard to say.

at least we're back on track for spiritual blueprint.
no time for complacency though.
keep praying keep watch
the Lord will reveal Himself soon.

O the joys when we wrapped our arms around each other
Together we will work until He comes again
but did that joy come from Him. or from fellowship.
I sure hope the former. aye. i need to depend more on Him
As long as there is love - we will stand

Econs tuition. Fish porridge at Bukit Timah ended the day.
and then i walked home alone again.
but at least there wasn't emptiness this time
at least there was God
and with Him there was joy.
lingering sadness - go away!
the Lord is my song and salvation!

(: Amen.

The fellowship of Koinonia

2007-04-27T17:53:00.000+08:00

Koinonia means fellowship - an anglicisation of a Greek word for partnership - frequently used in the New testament of the bible - ah that dear community of Christians coming together.

here's to all who came and participated in this fellowship (:

God:
yes surely He was there! everything went smoothly, quite without a hitch. thanks for your faithful dear Father, your grace is enough (:

XL:
Lots of stress to begin with. but we pulled through with His divine guidance. haha. keep on going! and keep smiling - you're too sad too often ya? hey. your guitar playing is good ok? i taught u...so it better be haha :P

YangJian:
Delightful voice, must sing more ya? share your gift with all of us haha! Rufus! thanks for being there to organize us and bear with our indecisiveness. thanks for bearing with our cacophony whilst restraining from the mike.

Wes:
Can never forget that rift now. heh. astounding me always. always a step ahead of me in terms of any instrument ): haha. keep sweeping me off my feet then. i never thought electric guitar sound so good (:

Asher:
The heartbeat of the band. kept your rhythm right. kept us on the steady path. and simply caused half-deafness at times. yes. keep mastering the rubik's!

Tess:
Jia you girl! haha. haven't played with a bassist in a long time - and wow - now my church band seems so empty without the low notes haha. ok. next time we'll split the heavy stuff so you get a chance too (: thanks for the piano too (:

Emil:
My fellow pianist. yes you have improved a lot! haha contrary to what most people would like to say. keep having a heart for God!

John:
Violinist extraordinaire! passionate strings that highlighted every song (: here's a pat on the back for you. first time in a worship band? not the last - surely

Daniel:
Maybe we terrorised tess a bit too much. but haha thanks for being there, a helping hand, a helping heart, and a wonderful voice as well (:

Fab(by Wabby):
Thanks for coming down (: and showing me how low my voice register is compared to yours haha. let's keep growing this friendship...and next time, you play piano haha.

Merv:
Hey bro! (in your words). haha solo on the last song. keep singing for Christ. and hope we grow closer as classmates (:

Audrey:
haha. God-blessed testimony! and yes, your harmony is getting better and better. reach the high notes next time ok? haha

Mink:
we used your powerpoint in the end! yay! yes, your skill in powerpoint clicking has been mastered! every stroke, every movement of the finger must be graceful and precise!

Benedict:
a lovely powerpoint clicker is not without her assistant! hey, you can go play the piano next time ok? and i'm no better than you (: haha.

Amanda:
hmmm. sorry i didn't know you were singing. but hey. you did. and it was enjoyable wasn't it? haha, thanks for swinging around madly with the mad group of us at the end (:

Kenneth:
who fondly sent his sms and said that he was there in spirit with us! ok in prayer as well! haha we'll never forget you - mr cult leader!

YuanHao:
hmmm. not sure if i spelled your name correctly. ): but yes. thanks for being our very first FireAC photographer!

Wing:
MR boy! go read your bible k? haha thanks for being a source of happiness every day (:

Jon Pang:
You who rushed down after frisbee just to give your testimony. May God truly honor you (:

Alex:
haha. dropped by at the last moment. but yes. you were there. and thanks for being there i guess (: you're always such a brother to me

Ding/Mich:
thanks for dropping by after all the busy choir/frisbee sessions. haha it was a gesture of love that we will never forget. may God hold us together in unity and love!

(silence) --- (did i forget anyone?)

I guess everything went smoothly in the end
but as always, when the dust did settle
a lonely night followed me home
and an empty Friday to come
learning loneliness -
perhaps that's
God's way
now.

i'm sorry, the emotions are too hard to control - again.

Piano in the Rain

2007-04-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

like the 'candle in the wind' we so often sing of - i decided to come up with the 'piano in the rain'

when the pitter-patter of the raindrops grace our windowpanes, they come in varying degrees, sometimes a gentle splash or two, other times a fierce torrent of bombardment - either way, emotions ensue. and the murmur of imminent thunderstorms pave the way for a new composition on the piano. composing in the rain is a true past time, an unforgettable one. minor keys, how melancholic, always fit the rain best. (:

one might wonder how another can possibly love the rain - how bleak, how depressing, how hopelessly emo - but beyond that, there's an element of the rain that just beckons us to quiet reflection, with every teardrop that descends from the heavens, we suddenly become aware again of our maker in heaven. as as every raindrop seeps into our soul, there's a pleasant sense of rejuvenation.

then again - one shouldn't allow emotions to be intertwined with the weather too often. i do need to exercise control, especially when it comes to this human thing we call 'feelings'. pray more that the emotions would be founded on a relationship with God - all joy to be from Him and nowhere else - emotions independent of the weather, independent of circumstances. how difficult.

then again - God reminded me it's ok to be happy - as long as we sing His praises (: so let's keep singing!

Koinonia tomorrow, God, prepare our hearts and do a great work! haha practice today was messy, but memorable and most enjoyable. thank You papa!

a world without aeroplanes

2007-04-24T18:43:00.000+08:00

some time ago i penned this short composition. it was valentine's day if i may recall correctly, and i struggled to complete for the Commonwealth competition that i obliged to join (against my will though). nevertheless, what came out was quite magical (relatively at least) - i rarely write like that - usually so sparse of ideas. a world without aeroplanes. enjoy (:
(P.S i loved the part on Faith, Hope and Love - haha)

---

Men love to dream, years ago we dreamt of flight. Gripped by the fascinating creatures of the air, tantalized by endless horizons, we sought to conquer what we could not, we sought to take to the sky, to sprout wings and take flight……

…….and, against all odds, we did.

1903, the Wright Brothers saw the culmination of their efforts, the realization of a life-long dream and the justification of all the criticism they had received – the first successful, powered, and piloted flight in history – they had finally done it right. It had been a mere twelve seconds, but with every second The Flyer hung in the air there was an increasing knowledge that the skies had been opened – pried open by the stubborn effort of human hands.

It was not merely the dream of two common men from rustic America; it was the dream of the entire human race; and in that single moment the whole architecture of the world was altered; men unlocked a new dimension, the dimension of flight. Over time, the world was further flattened, traveling times were cut – where we once spoke in months we now spoke in hours – and the pace of life quickened. The birth of the airplane, that cursed miracle, was responsible for this epic change in lifestyle.

Indeed it was a cursed miracle, for with the holidays to hitherto unreachable destinations, the rich cultural exchange made possible, and with the accelerated economic growth that resulted came the new medium of terror – who could forget that fateful day – and an unconscious degradation of our precious environment – surely one cannot remain indifferent to the pollution that our winged beasts have caused –

And Mother Nature, for all her maternal kindness, finally found a way to get even.

------------------

I decided that day, quite contrary to my usual self, to take myself on an early morning stroll. After all, it was always good to spend some time alone, quietly reflecting on the finer things in life. School had taken its toll on me, sapped me of the (supposed) vibrancy of youth – I was but an empty shell now, a victim of that merciless fast-paced society. Dragging myself out of bed, I plunked myself face-first onto the parquet floor –that cooling sensation one feels against his tummy – was tempted to remain a little long, but with much (strange) determination, uprooted myself and headed out of the room.

Outside, the pile of overdue worksheets yelled out at me, post-it notes spoke in accented phrases – you know, in that nagging manner that cannot be easily shrugged off – I tried to shut out the cacophonic noise, to cast it aside, but the only way out was through the front door; that was what morning walks were for anyway, recuperation, much needed recuperation.

Leaving behind the myriad of many competing voices, I proceeded to a quiet spot not too far away from home, a little pathway beside the Changi airport runway. Changi, my dear hometown since I came into being – here I was like a bird in the air, knowing every nook and cranny of the neighborhood like the back of my hand, every coffee shop, every hawker centre (O the best seafood one could find in Singapore!) – located on the east end of the island, built upon reclaimed land, and home to one of the leading airports in the world.

A short while later I found myself arriving at that narrow path; and an air of nostalgia immediately took me by surprise. How long had it been since I last felt this way?

My parents had taken me here when I was just a little child, and as I child I used to gape wide-eyed at the airplanes as they accelerated down the runway, which ran parallel to the path and was separated from the path only by a wire fence; and eventually, with a titanic roar, the airplanes ascended and vanished into the clouds above. I would crane my neck as much as possible, just to catch a last glimpse of the airplane’s tail glimmering in the sunshine, just to keep my sights on the plane for the longest time possible.

That was innocence, that was awe, but it was all part of the past now.

Or perhaps it was still worth a try now, maybe the world could change overnight.
I closed my eyes, and listened in anticipation, waiting for the roar of the plane engines.

Silence; a long silence; a long and painful silence.

------------------

It had been a month since the airplanes disappeared from the runway. Caged up in their hangars, they now had no freedom to fly, no song to sing, they simply lay dead. What had once been a busy and crowded runway was now a deserted stretch of concrete. A month ago it took me by surprise; I thought perhaps it was temporary, just a momentary precaution against the heightened terrorist activity of that period; but no, it was something else, something of greater weight – a lack of petroleum and a dying environment.

Yes, Mother Nature had grown tired of being exploited and neglected. Countless of times she protested, threatening with global warming and bizarre climatic changes, most of the time giving in to men’s stubborn ways. But eventually, even she could put up with it no longer, and men finally had to give in. Men could conquer many things, but men were at the mercy of Mother Nature. Faced with the lack of fuel, the entire international air industry went on a standstill, and Changi airport was no exception.

Right now I could only look on as some birds descended upon the runway, emboldened by the silence, cocking their heads rhythmically as they trod, pacing laterally along the pathway, looking as though they were trying to recover something that had been lost. Turning to face me, our eyes met through the wired fence; Blank stares, and suddenly they took off into the air, leaving as swiftly as they had arrived.

Emptiness again, and emptiness always led to thought…

------------------

Dad had first brought me here when I was a little child, we would place our hands upon the wire fence, gripping the fence tightly as we watched the airplanes fly by. It was a marvelous sight, or so Mum always told me, father and child side by side, simply watching on as the world passed by. I treasured up those timeless moments, gripped them as tightly as I gripped the wire fence, but ultimately, life had to go on. Dad too had to move on.

Eventually, Dad secured a job as a traveling businessman, with decent pay and all, but it came at a priceless sacrifice. Many times he would be away on business trips, abroad in some cosmopolitan city, visiting us occasionally, but departing again as soon as he returned. The airplane gazing sessions never returned – it was just me now, alone, on this side of the fence, watching Dad on the other side as the airplanes carried him away. And the separation grew greater as the years went by.

But suddenly, one day, he finally returned for good; that was the same day I read the news, the same day the air industry went on standstill. Dad returned with a forlorn look on his face, paced along the living room corridor, fast in thought. He spoke not, simply gave me a passing gaze and moved on to his bedroom, where he locked himself away from the world. A great and unsettling gulf hung across his bedroom door. Mum and I could do nothing about it. We simply adjourned to the living room and started praying frantically; perhaps Faith could fix a broken man.

It was a trying period, and often I had wished that the airplanes could return, that Dad could be happy once again – even if it meant more separation. But perhaps, just perhaps, I considered one day, there was a greater purpose in all this. After all, the world without airplanes was one where Dad could finally be back by our side, where our family could at last be reunited; but much had to be done to complete the reunification; Somebody had to break the ice, and one day, having mustered enough courage, I tried to do so.

“Dad, why not we go for a walk?”

“……”

“You know, like old times, the plane-gazing, the little path…”

“……”

“Dad?”

“…there are no planes, son.”

------------------

Men love to dream, years ago we dreamt of flight – but now I only dreamed for our relationship with Dad to recover, that it could take flight once again. In a life-changing moment, the airplanes had disappeared, but in that same moment Mother Nature had graciously granted me a window of opportunity, a blessing in disguise, and I tried, with much effort, to seize it.

There was still Hope, definitely; I managed a smile while still firmly gripping the wire fence, a ray of morning sunshine kissed my cheeks as the sun slowly emerged from its celestial bedroom somewhere beyond the clouds. The serene beauty of the morning sunrise was simply stunning, a delightful array of red and yellow paints swirled before my eyes, never before had I witnessed such a sight; or perhaps, it had always been there, but I had simply left it unnoticed.

And why had I only noticed when the airplanes had disappeared?

Time paused as I continued to stand in awe of the morning skyline, the empty runway now offering a completely unhindered view of its splendor – there they were, the timeless moments of before, finally returning like a rushing wind – except this time, there were no airplanes, no roar of the engines to speak of, there was simply silence, unbroken silence.

And at that moment, I suddenly turned to run; a wave of emotion overcame me as I sprinted toward home. I had to share it, I had to share it with Dad, and I had to let him know of this blessing in disguise. I had been filled, my cup overflowed, and now I simply had to fill someone else in return – Dad needed to be filled. And as I entered through the front door, I rushed straight to his bedroom, unbothered by the trivial ruckus of homework and post-it notes, and knocked passionately on his door.

It was unlocked.

Dad sat gazing out of the window, already looking at the splendid morning sky, his back toward me. But having felt my presence in the room, he finally turned to face me –

- And he smiled.

cornflake cookies

2007-04-23T20:21:00.000+08:00

i brought nine today. if i remembered correctly. dropped the return letter to dearest fab, proceeded to FireAC - the cornflake cookies packaged in a little plastic bag. haha bag of happiness. ok I shan't carried away at this point - but it just felt so important that we share what God has given us so graciously. and today was quite a happy day. for many reasons (yes contrary to what xl thinks)

first. so many people cheered up. usually depressed, eve was exceptionally jumpy today - yes i'd rather a chatterbox on the verge of annoying then a muted evelyn. Xunliang was resolute in his decision for the greater happiness!

second. cookies were given out and people were happified.

third. God reminded me of His great love for every individual, so much so that (yes this is true) He esteemed us as higher then himself - what an honor to know him as our Father.

fourth. John Tay gave me a hug - that was a long time since (: MK gave me a blueberry muffin and cookie (: (yes i got back what i gave haha)

and we must keep praying for the unsaved. please do. please do.

watch and pray. always.

Repentance

2007-04-21T18:29:00.000+08:00

They say that sin is anything that gets in the way of our relationship with God. Sin is anything that puts God anywhere other than first in our lives. BB today was a solemn event, slow-march aside, dialect lessons aside, it ended on a silent, solemn note - everyone who left the language room that afternoon were stunned with a sense of speechlessness. i for one left absolutely lost for words, and some nagging feeling tugged at my heart.

perhaps it was a sense of sadness - God's sadness - for those who had gone astray. but i always remember that when we return, he runs to us first - God watches from the distance, and His everlasting arms will come ever so close to scoop us up! i thought i had repented lots, and truly, by His grace I have been very much forgiven, very much sanctified - and i guess many would say that tim is so saintly and godly and perfect.

but it's not true. i'm just as weak as all of u. just the same. for all the CE NCO roles that I have been through, for all the worship sessions that I have led, i'm just as weak - if not weaker. all you guys have seen in me so far, is simply God's grace and mercy. nothing more. I'm nothing without Him. absolutely.

and today I found another part of me that had to be dealt with. and i kinda broke over it. was better for a moment i guess. till i realised that it was difficult to let go completely. then of course i got my mum mad over some dinner issue. and again i started to slump into that swamp of depression. aiyoh. the emotional ups and downs are unbearable. i need a firm foundation again. Jesus.

then again. not just me. all of us do

Your Grace is Enough

2007-04-20T19:38:00.000+08:00

as we strummed, plucked, held the notes, and clashed the cymbals today - something struck me about the greatness of God's grace and love. Koinonia - fellowship - with God and men. Maybe it's time to share the testimony, the story of grace that God has given me. Maybe it's time. soon. If it helps to transform lives. God use me please.

and as we ended. i remembered walking back home alone; and a sense of loneliness just overcame me. but God was there. walking right beside. just that i think i shut Him aside. how foolish. as the music faded. there was emptiness. i wasn't sure why. maybe. maybe it's just me. i thought it was over.

and somehow. i know i must be complete in Him. and in Him only. no one else. His grace is enough - yet why do i still long for earthly things.

yes we are aliens. pilgrims. in this strange land. we are not of this world. here we tarry, here we wait, till our rightful owner returns to bring us to our real home.

why then do we seek for earthly things? why then.

His grace is enough. help me understand Lord.

edit ----

well. looking back. i guess it was a memorable debut as a inaugural BBcumFireAC band, and i hope we will glorify God with all the gifts that He has blessed us with. as usual, i tried to hide behind the rest of the instruments - ahhhh too used to solo-ing, but thanks for bearing with me, especially Emil haha - but to no avail i guess. Wes and Ash were just crazy. and I finally played with a bass and electric for the first time in a long while (: thanks for everything God. thanks for everything guys. (:

and i remembered staring into the eyes of Mr Brian Chirnside, he looked rather disappointed - yes our testimony people pulled out at the last moment ):, but it's ok, we'll pray for conviction - it was a little scary actually, he told me how sharing shouldn't be impromptu and all, and a feeling and all (yes maybe here i started to take offense - aye i shouldn't). but yes. it's true, we really need to prepare our hearts in advance.

i'm wondering though. who's to share. my testimony Lord? but i don't know. maybe it'll stumble instead of edify. but nevertheless a story of grace. (:

three out of four songs had the word grace today.

the story of grace. (:

Praise You in This Storm :)

2007-04-17T21:25:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since the last post - as usual the lack of time I have becomes apparent - it's been a struggle to balance school life, friendships and God, but I do thank my Father that He has been there all the way. and life has been so full of happiness recently - I was so afraid I would forget Him.

what happiness. you might ask? plenty. He has blessed plentifully.

Memories from Ubin still tussling about my mind. Recalling the night before, people reiterating the need for a back-up plan, people questioning the protocol if it rained - and I too was slightly worried for the skies seemed primed to darken - but God provided, and it never did rain - not till we were all safely on that bus back to school. And me worrying a few days back that Saturday was coming - yes Saturdays were the climax of depression - but God did a miracle, and Saturday became the pinnacle of joy instead. (:

Somehow the role of PSM fell upon me - fortunately it wasn't a formal parade. but despite less-than-adequate preparation and the prospect of a dry ration lunch - yes the preparations for this was immense, we had peanut butter, oreos, curry puffs (sorry Eryn), you name it - it all turned out to be a fabulous time.

Or course. we had our fair share of casualties. Whilst leading the pack I had the most number of falls (haha the irony - having taught the rest how to use the brakes); MK was severely wounded by the evil mozzies, Alex's bike became twisted. haha, but bad thingies aside. Kenneth learned the ways of biking in a matter of minutes, we had a fantabulous seafood lunch, and Wesley didn't throw up on the bumboat, I won the bike race (haha); and yes, we didn't get lost.

forgive me. I never remember the details. and even if i do, i never have the patience nor the time to type it all out - haha Fab...this is for you to fill in the gaps! - but yes. just thank God. He was there. surely.

---

Returning to the Scout's den (yes we found refuge in rather unexpected places), a sense of sadness did sweep across my heart. I was unsure why. maybe it was God's sadness. But somehow there was a strong need for repentance, and a strong need for us to seek Him.

And 2 a.m. Sunday morn. I awoke to a feeling of fear and uneasiness. The rash that had broke out on my back started to itch - and I went to pray - instinctively. that was when God said - Keep watch that you may not fall into temptation. Keep watch, I may return at anytime. Keep watch for the time is near. The call was so strong. we had to start keeping watch.

the next few days were painfully silent. I recalled falling asleep during QT. and when i managed to kept awake the feeling was odd - it was as if God was sitting in front of me, back faced away, He knew I was there, but just didn't want to give me the hug I so needed. It felt so dry, and I felt so alone. And I searched my heart for something that could have gone amiss. but (in all humility now) I found nothing I could have done wrong.

Unless it was happiness that caused me to gone astray. and like the cat with a tail named 'happiness', perhaps I had reveled and chased happiness too much and had gone in circles. and all i had to do was continue to walk straight, and happiness, like the tail, would follow. but maybe I had put happiness in front of God. or maybe I had put other people in front of Him. God was teaching something. I repented.

Fasting during recess. memories of that fast at the start of the year. the balcony was revisited, and there we mourned again for the presence of our Savior, to return to return. And He spoke of holiness, spoke of the way He had made for us to enter His holy presence (through Jesus), but spoke also of our unwillingness to enter. why?

And today. he spoke again. thank God (:. and He brought to mind 'What a friend we have in Jesus', reminded me that not one of His sheep would ever be plucked from His hand. and that He will bring all his sheep back to him, no matter what. What blessed assurance! John 10:14-30, in case you guys are wondering.

REW followup - people were touched. hopefully. your call now God.
Koinonia - an imminent excitement. come come Lord. come and stir the hearts of men

---

flashback Saturday once again. kenneth, tess and i went to support the OMers; we half-expected a first placing for our dear friends (Jlow, Dan, Jin, Cao, Cherums, Chups), waited in anticipation with a jar of peanut butter to celebrate - but disappointment ensued - and they clinched the silver medal. I recalled that look of dismay, of confusion and lostness, and I could only stand beside them and provide a pat on the back, and the assurance that God was still faithful.

Celebrating disappointment - somehow I expect a similar situation to arise soon when council members are announced - but disappointment is something that should be dealt with by celebration, and thanksgiving to our Father. no matter what the result. there must have been some purpose. definitely some purpose. maybe they were meant to go on OEP after all (:

always always seek God.
always always thank God.
always always love God.
always always love each other

haha. it's so simple (:

What Can I Do

2007-04-13T21:47:00.000+08:00

What Can I Do
Paul Baloche and Graham Kendrick

When I see the beauty of a sunset's glory,
amazing artistry across the evening sky
When I feel the mystery of a distant galaxy
It awes and humbles me to be loved
by a God so high

Chorus:
What can I do but thank You,
what can I do but give my life to You
Hallelujah, hallelujah
What can I do but praise You,
everyday make everything I do a hallelujah
A hallelujah, hallelujah

Verse 2:
When I hear the story of a God of mercy
Who shared humanity and suffered by our side
Of the cross they nailed You to, that could not hold You
Now You're making all things new by the power of Your risen life

---

and like XL says - I've been a happy person. Happiness is circumstantial. Joy is unconditional. and I guess that to be joyful and happy now at the same time - is really a blessing from God. Sometimes we're so blessed without even knowing it - and Darryl told me today - we just aren't grateful enough sometimes. Ahhh. thanks God. alamak. i forget to thank you all the time.

keep me grateful Lord. You have been so good. really. ahhh. I won't blog about it extendedly (not necessary to explode the issue...) - but I hope that God will use this wonderful testimony in the future. on the side note. so many people have to cheer up. and look beyond the weeds of this world. don't be choked. and be encouraged by God's love.

Set your minds on things above. (: Live for Him. May our hearts never be silent. always declaring His Praise!

Planning for Koinonia today. Kuay Teow in Language Rooms. P.E and soccer for the first time in many many weeks. Preparation for Ubin. It's the small things in life. we thank God for all the time. ahhh.... (:

You've Got Mail

2007-04-10T22:07:00.000+08:00

the letter arrived - at its final destination - floated its way down, i did let it go, finally, because i could not hold on to it forever. thank God though, that the message was delivered well (:

i will always sing your praise O God. through the good times and bad. Psalms has been such a great encouragement to me - the word of God truly is alive today! (: yes. thanks for friends as well, and thanks for seeing us through. now it's a different challenge i guess. but at least the wounds are being healed. slowly. no doubt, God has been glorified, and we have all been drawn closer to Him (:

(yes tim is currently 'over the moon' - as kenneth would so fondly put - please do keep him in check haha)

and that is all. just thank you. really thank you. and thanks a million.

(aiyoh. so many fluctuations in mood. one moment happy. one moment sad. emotions changing like a thunderhead...aiyoh haha.)

and to all who are struggling with some sort of emotion/problem/homework(haha):

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Psalms 27:14

Catharsis

2007-04-09T20:12:00.000+08:00

(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/catharsis)
ca·thar·sis (k-thärss)

n. pl. ca·thar·ses (-sz)

1. Medicine Purgation, especially for the digestive system.

2. A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.

3. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

4. Psychology

a. A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.

b. The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.

I'm quite overwhelmed with peace now. not sure if it will last. but it is an assuring peace, and i do hope you would feel it too. (:

I wrote a letter today. and in that letter purged all that I ever wanted to say but was unable to. recalling the stories of people who wrote and wrote and then crushed their papers to deal with overwhelming emotions - i did that today, at a little bench somewhere near my math lesson. i didn't crush the paper though, perhaps it was too precious to be crushed, and perhaps it would find its way to its final destination soon. soon. as soon as you're ready God. (:

thanks Lord. for bringing me through so far. it's been a long ride. really. and i'm not sure where it's going to end, and how it's going to end - but at least i know i have you, and i have those whom you have given me to love - and that truly truly is enough.

and for those of you out there, struggling with problems and emotions, do consider this catharsis, this purge, and let it all out somewhere. it feels much better. and don't forget - that at the very end, it's God you must find comfort in.

Jia He got a bible today. Praise the Lord! John Wong's getting closer to picking up that key and unlocking the bolted lock (Kenneth imagery here). Hallelujah!

and of course. the letter's getting closer to its destination. (:

Easter!

2007-04-08T22:49:00.000+08:00

Bunnies. colored eggs. I had a glass of wine - i think i'm getting drunk.

the tomb is empty!
the stone is rolled away!
none shall separate us from the love of Christ!
Jesus is Alive!
We celebrate his victory!
and our hope is assured!

haha - to all who are feeling down - don't! try this discipline of celebration, and think of five things to be thankful for. once you've reached five, you'll feel much much better (: and you better reach five - start by thanking God for the day He has given you (:

smile all (: too much sadness. forgive me for the previous post. i do have these intermittent waves of sadness that intensify on particular days (:

I Don't Know Already

2007-04-07T20:59:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry Lord. I really am. Sorry for everything I've felt. Everything I'm feeling. Sorry for trying to rely on myself. Sorry for not having enough faith. Sorry for feeling defeated. Sorry for confusion. Sorry for being sorry for myself. Sorry for everything.

And especially sorry that I've been so hopelessly distracted - I wish I could be an effective tool for you - I pray that you can work through me to bless and give hope - I pray you can use me as an intercessor for those who have not found you - I pray that you can always fill me with joy that I may fill others with joy as well. But how long shall I put up this strong front - tim is definitely not at his best. ):

Why Lord?

To seek you? to surrender to you? to know you better? to love unconditionally?

Why. cry.

Secret Book

2007-04-06T20:29:00.000+08:00

I think I lost me somewhere. I think I lost my secret book somewhere - it's beige yellow with a 'Wisma Atria' on the cover page - some woman with a shopping bag. if anyone has seen it, please - you know what to do. aye. all that spiritual blueprint convictions are written within, and in a moment, i lost it all. i pray God keeps those convictions within my heart. anyway a passage to share from Hebrews:

19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Good Friday - have we ever spent a moment reflecting on the significance of this very day?

Jesus - the incarnate son of God. when God became man He showed us that He was a God who was and still is most personal, choosing to humble himself, lower himself to our position and identify with the plight of man. As such, it is no longer a theoretical knowledge that God has of the plight of man, but an actual experience. and if the cross was the epitome of all suffering, then indeed God has experienced the suffering of being human. it is no longer sympathy, but empathy. such is the God who we have a relationship with - one who understands every struggle perfectly.

the hands that flung the stars into space, have given themselves up to be nailed to the cross.

O what a wonder that God should be crucified for our sins. what meekness and majesty. the King, crucified. the only God in the world - the true God indeed - who is identified with suffering. and as it were, on that very day at Golgotha, all the forces of darkness and evil gathered against him, and tormented him, inflicting all hell upon him. and it seem he were defeated - and he let out that cry - why have thou forsaken me? that was the pain he went through - nothing is more excruciating then being separated from the Father.

a God who can identify with suffering - but what good is that? what good is it if He cannot offer a way out, but can only comfort us in our times of suffering. but here lies the difference - our God is an Awesome God, Mighty to Save. and when all the forces of evil battled him that day - our Lord defeated them all at that very showdown!

but suffering still exists. struggles still abound. but they have lost their power. where is thy sting O death?

thank God this day for his bountiful love and mercy. it really is Good Friday. look forward to celebrating his victory on Easter!

...

(and I shall end off with a rather important help section, at this dire time of great need. yes thank God for all the experience gathered...haha)

-=HOW NOT TO 'EMO'=-
1) Talk to your Father above - this is miracle cure number 1! (:
2) Friends are a great support from God. haha and they are just a ring away! (of course calling too many times could be detrimental for their studies)
3) Drown yourself in homework (works for me - but it could just make it worse for most ppl haha)
4) Don't look at the rain whilst leaning on the metal bars outside our classrooms (but i like doing that...)
5) Just keep smiling. and keep praising God. surrender everything to Him.

Cold Turkey

2007-04-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

never in my life have i celebrated that festival called Thanksgiving- and so I have never really eaten turkey as it was meant to be eaten - but now and then the chance comes along, and i have a little bite of that plump bird. it tastes like chicken (like almost every other bird perhaps), i little tougher, less tender and harder to chew - but nevertheless edible and chicken-like. cold turkey is simply turkey that is cold.

any food that is cold is hardly worth eating - that is except ice-cream. which is quite out of point now. but cold turkey is yucky. but sometimes you have to eat it. and it hurts your tummy. but it's for the greater good. hopefully.

a long week of school. ups and downs (ah...No Other City indeed, English IA beckons) like a sine curve/cosine curve (trigo i'm coming soon!). it's been tough. but I thank God for leading me through the light and the darkness.

REW was rather meaningful, an empowerment of the Christians in the school more than anything. and something stirred within me as I realized that God was moving the hearts of all in that school - people sang their hearts out - hearts were turning to Him. and suddenly all around me there were so many Christians (FireAC or not) starting to witness to their non-Christian friends (most notably the class of 5.14!). and I found myself in the level 6+ emo spot recently, talking to this Indian contractor by the name of Kasinathan - and finally found a home for the Gideon's bible at hand (:

yes keep drawing near to Him my dear friends. and keep interceding for those who have not known Him yet. keep up the good work you have started - and one day the Lord of the Harvest will bless and bless - the doors of heaven opened and our barns will be insufficient!

Koinonia - pray hard - pray for His work. haiz.

and please - warm up my turkey soon?

Rocks in the Pond

2007-04-01T13:59:00.000+08:00

It's been a last time since I've last posted - The Thin Red Line sitting completed, crowning the pile of homework that has accumulated on my side shelf - and I remembered commenting on the swiftness with which the explosion came - the physical shock that came ever so suddenly - instantaneously, like stepping over a thin red line.

somehow. the last few days have been a step over that thin red line. and things have changed. lots. more than i could have ever ever imagined. shock? perhaps.

still I always fondly recall that God is by our side, and that He is now and forever, a timeless rock who does not change. the great unchangeable I AM - that one we can cling on to in our storms of life. We have an anchor that keeps the soul, steadfast and sure while the billows roll. (: and I trust you Lord, because I have no idea what you are doing, but I know that you know that it's best for me.

the only resolution i found for confusion this week - was more confusion - sigh.

Orchid hybridization yesterday. but let's not talk about that now. work beckons. oh work work, more work. (service is our top priority :P)

I shall speak in riddles once more. (yes. this is no poetry - it is just useless ramble)

Twirling whirling gyrating (much like last night)
the bees surround their honey
but chance now - they flee some distance (it was in an instant)
unguarded now - I close some distance (not much, not much)
but this some trick of the mind (some distraction)
I wish the bees were still there
to be stung - but taste
or to withdraw and never
i doth wonder which hurts greater.
God guide my paths (this part is no riddle)

And recalling the placement of white rocks, the rearrangement of pebbles to form a loving message to complement the coming REW week - the week where our Saviour gave up everything for us. this is the culmination of lent - may we be filled with thanksgiving always, especially for this week. Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday. remember Him in all our ways.

and with those stones - John Tay came frolicking past, with a fish in hand.

(that was a random way to end)

What's In a Name?

2007-03-28T21:18:00.000+08:00

Hats off to Monday's Mania
Saving the world before bedtime on Tuesday
(Campaigning. oh so exciting. to see the faces of many friends plastered across the many corridors, to hear the songs echoing throughout the school blocks, to see shamelessness written over the faces of many - and some green paint as well heh - to laugh and to play along. to put up fake campaigns - Leon the Peon most notably - to put up our crazy fronts, and just to have fun. But beyond all that. I'm still unsure of who to vote.)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
the Lord's love. brighter than any sunshine. the greatest sunshine. You alone light up our lives and give us our direction in the murky dark.

In sooth I know not why I am so sad -
Indeed, O sadness where is thy sting? - when we have the joy of the Lord in our hearts. (: It's been a long Week 2, we're halfway through - o how shockingly fast time passes - lots of issues have been resolved within (hopefully) and now God has illuminated my path - the path to follow is the path of love, to love his people. I've been really quite joyful recently. and wow - that despite all the stuff that's bothering me.

Lord Lord, Wherefore art thou Lord?
and we continue searching, all of us. my prayer life hasn't been the most healthy, but I do pray that God will draw us all nearer to him. 'Drawing Near' John Bevere - a series has started on it - may it be a great encouragement and loving message to all who yearn and trust in him (: Meanwhile, Lord help me to rely on you even as I search earnestly, may I worship with my heart - not just empty words.

that is all. adieu. may God bless all of you.

on a rather strange note. things have been a little strange. some fish behind my back - some random whispers along the corridor - some ginseng - some hello panda - and some excited murmurs from behind. confusion ensues. but God is faithful.

Permanganates

2007-03-25T21:43:00.000+08:00

135%, Chem practical took forever to decipher, three hours to unravel, mystery still, and I remain puzzled. permanganate stains on striped ties. titration blues. but we overcome them together. now, before I degenerate into some homework discussion, I abstain. But even on this lonely Sunday night, I type here, and wait upon the many who rush out their homework, msn conversations pop up intermittently with many questions on this and that.

ah. nothing better than a homework help dispenser machine - again.

but that aside. it's been a long time since the last post. lots has happened, the first week of term two has passed - sigh, it feels as if term one never ended - chong(2)qing(4) the destination for our WOW trip - excitingly so. and after the brief confusion on wednesday, i emerged quite full of joy for the next few days. Allister's prayer meeting and all. Friday's late Admin room night with - horror of horrors - Audrey and Emil (haha). Lugging my fantabulously heavy KORG keyboard and going through the muscle workout of a lifetime.

Unite the Christian community in ACS. Let's unite our hearts together for our God and King.

50 push-ups on Saturday. 4 years of long-service to Boys' Brigade. less than 8 hours of sleep. I now I'm finally at my strength's end, and I retire. Vision's becoming blurry. too much computer.

to all my BB friends, keep praying for the LTC camp. keep praying that God will command you to Himself.

and to end off. the regret of not spending enough time with some people. the frustration of balancing the old and the new (oh if only it were as easy of chemical equations in stoichiometry). But resources - time and energy - are scarce. the problem of scarcity ensues.

that aside. I promise to spend more time with you (:

and with God as well. surely.

There's a man

2007-03-21T20:55:00.000+08:00

there. somewhere behind you. he's looking at you, sneaking a peek now and then. loving you, and loving the way you were perfectly made.

He just gazes upon you, remembering the many blessings he's showered you with, the love which he gave so unconditionally. he wishes you knew.

and he simply wants to draw nearer. showering more gifts. giving more of his time. trying to love you more, trying to get your attention. that you might look back and give him a smile.

and when you smile - he smiles. he's so happy you're happy. yet he hopes - still hopes - that one day you'll smile back at him and love him in return.

and still he waits. sometimes you overlook him. sometimes you unintentionally brush past him. sometimes you intentionally avoid him. but he keeps loving, no matter what the cost. irregardless.

why. why such a fool. because he simply can't help but love.

and when you do smile in return. when one day you realise his love and come running back. he's always ready to receive. and simply overjoyed to see you loving him too.

it's what he has been waiting for.

and this man. is God. He waits for you today -

- to love Him in return. for He has loved you so greatly.

He's missing you.

...

-= MISSING YOU =-
on a lonely day

Streams of Living Water

2007-03-20T20:40:00.000+08:00

the MOE building was rather drab, nothing like the several kilometers of beautiful morning scenery that greeted me on my fresh walk from school. images of Nazneen in Brick Lane flashed before me - Grey, prison-like glass and metal - impersonal. not a smile. the only smile was on my I/C - Which was promptly traded for a visitor's pass - and that didn't even count as a smile.

three people sat before me. the center one quite unnerving - probably the interrogator i thought - the two at the side slightly easier to please (or at least that was the impression). tough questions. what was my greatest setback? and at points I felt like I was seriously selling myself - putting myself on the shelf, dressing myself in pretty little colors and hoping to be bought. and horrors of horrors I revealed that I wrote poetry - and I recited The Greater Sunshine to them - and bore my soul basically ):

Streams of living water. I've been told to guard our well-spring of life. To be careful what wells up from within. James Chapter 3 has somewhere that a spring cannot have fresh water and salt water at the same time. What emerges from within reflects our inner state. Hold your tongue, tame it, a lot of bad has happened with it. Yet in the same passage, I was reminded that the same tongue can start a fire, with a simple spark of goodness.

I was told. 5 loaves 2 fishes fed a thousand. a spark can become a fire. faith as a mustard seed can grow into a majestic tree. I was told that God can do these things. And I believed.

and I recall a Sunday where we were tracting to invite people to the lovely Fairfield Preaching Point, and I saw the face of Jesus - in a man sitting alone at the side of the MRT station. the trains roared on the deck above, and this man sat there lonely and indulging in whatever lunch-break he had. something drew me near. and I crouched beside him. my cousin gave me a wild look. but it would be fine. God called me there i guess.

Mr Huang was his name, a cleaner from China, daughter had married a local chap. and his son-in-law was a Christian - he had seen a cross before, hanging in the house of his now married daughter - but he had never heard the gospel. And so that day, on this cardboard box he had in front of him, i whipped out my stationery and told him the story of creation, the fall of man, and our redemption through Christ's sacrifice. no way I could have done it alone - God's inspiration - you take the glory Lord.

Prayed for a man I knew for only a few minutes. wrote on a box words that I pray will change his life...ahhh. God do your work now (: it's your job now Lord (:

Music of the Night

2007-03-18T21:36:00.000+08:00

ahhh. just (most unlike of tim) watched 'Phantom of the Opera' , I think I'm (most like tim) going to cry or something ):

then i always wonder. why do tears come so easily? maybe it's just me.

some are tears of unmeasurable joy - tears that come from knowing that we are so beautifully and wonderfully loved by our creator king. tears that flow endlessly when we realize, in awe, the depth of the Father's love for us. tears that find their beginnings in a guilty heart forgiven. tears simply dripping with gratitude. I love those tears, those precious tears.

then there are tears of pain - tears that come from struggling, struggling to find that person that cares, that voice that understands. tears the flow endlessly when we shut ourselves out from people who truly love us. tears that find their beginnings in - sometimes - stupidity, when we are blind to the love of the Father. Tears that are simply dripping with the will to surrender. I treasure those tears, yet wonder why I ever experienced them.

and there are tears of just deep senses of emotion. when a beautiful sunset paints the sky red. when the snowflakes flutter down to caress your head in the midst of the valley white. when one sits upon a great hill and marvels at creation. when one parts. when one meets. unforgettable tears.

then again. one quarter of the term has pass. i tell myself, when the time comes to part, i will let them flow.

looking back on sad times - we often laugh for having been so blind
looking back on happy times - we often tear for - - forever...

Oh God lead me on. may those who earnestly seek You always be filled with joy and satisfaction (:

The Desert

2007-03-17T21:47:00.000+08:00

I often wonder - why the sudden bouts of dryness?

Maybe it's just the weather. when skies are sunny, emotions run high and positively ecstatic. when clouds start to gather, so worries start to cloud the heart. sunset - peace. thunderstorms - awe. drizzles - contemplation. but it cannot just be the weather.

human effort alone does nothing to get us to God. perhaps, just perhaps, trying too hard has left me drier than what I began with. the natural inclination when one faces disappointment - to reprimand oneself, to condemn oneself, such is the sharp conscience that I possess - curse or blessing, i wonder as well. it cuts deep.

but God always reminds me that he is sufficient. he is all i need. saved by grace and nothing else. all i need to do is accept what he is offering. why am i trying so hard? it's so painful.

perhaps God pulls himself a little further every time he wants us to draw nearer to him. sometimes he whispers from afar - we cannot hear him - but that's just because he wants us to draw nearer. perhaps.

nevertheless, despite the disappointment experienced today - lots of it - mentorship scheme left hanging, and (of all things) parade forecast was left at home. no qualms about defaulters, i think my conscience and all has already left me in shambles - worse than any defaulters' could ever do.

but somehow God always manages to pick me up. to confess of my sin. to come to him helpless as a child needing a father. and to be picked up by him. wow.

and he beckons to all who are thirsty to go to him and drink of the living water. and then streams of abundance will also flow out of him into the rest of the world...ahhh. help me experience that - no - help me know that Lord. experience is so transient - knowledge is what I hope for Lord :)

A Greater Song

2007-03-17T00:30:00.000+08:00

I see the heavens proclaiming You day after day
and I know in my heart that there must be a way
to sing a greater song
a greater song for You on the earth
to sing a greater song
a greater song for You on the earth

Right now, reclining in the back of my computer chair, past midnight, a busy day, a tiring day, have you ever had that sense of lostness after a long day of being with friends and company? Have you ever felt that sudden sense of emptiness once the CPA curtains close with a bang (and a rather needed school anthem)? Have you ever felt a sense of loneliness once the crowds disperse and the dust settles?

Tim has. and sometimes Tim chooses to cover his ears, block out the sounds of the world, and recline into silence - not emo - but simply a point to recharge and focus back on God. As a self-proclaimed introvert, perhaps Tim draws strength sometimes from just being alone - with his Father in heaven. Just singing, and just praising Him.

Today was another rather tough day, but Tim is glad that God has seen him through it, and there is still joy brimming from within. No more sadness, no more sadness. Soccer, Black Comedy, Friends and God - enough reasons to smile :):):)

and tomorrow. de-day arrives. CE presentation. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, oh God my song and my salvation!

Thy Word - a LAMP unto my feet

2007-03-15T17:08:00.000+08:00

The Greater Sunshine
Tim - on a sunny day

I found one day this sunshine
That would not go away;
Twas Innocence that led me
To bask in its array.

Then chancing on this honey pot
That left itself ajar;
Twas Innocence that led me
To push - albeit too far.

But there's a greater sunshine
Why can't I taste and see?
That there's a Loving Father
Who yearns to care for me.

Then Truth found me one day, at last (Alas!)
I knew not what to say
To part was such sweet sorrow -
But it's Him who leads the way.

...

LAMP, despite it's dull moments, was never short of some enlightening moments - and after LAMP fellowship was always just as worth it - a shocking reminder of the little time left I have with my friends and classmates. Today I lay down with John Tay and lamented (in the usual way we nostalgic, sentimental people do) at the passing of time - such a recurring theme, on this

rather sad blog of mine.

But there's a greater sunshine - we need to experience this greater warmth and greater love - from the one and only God above!

"As My Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love"
"and this is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you"
John 15:9, 12

Primer's Vision: keep staying in God's love, keep experiencing it. And once we love him, we answer that question from John 21:15. And we're going to feed Jesus' Lambs!

Sleepover at XL's place was quite a traumatic experience at times - being interrogated whilst squashed by a giant beanbag chair, being tau-poked by my jolly friends while half asleep...I guess it was all enjoyable. :)

Thank You God. and again we rejoice!

I Knew It

2007-03-11T20:22:00.000+08:00

Tim really cannot hide a secret.
Tim really cannot mask his emotions as well.

That Friday afternoon I felt rather defeated, white space culminated with the piling on of two more rather tedious Chinese comparison analysis essays, my mind did degenerate into one big white space. White noise - blankness - and I just submerged into that endless oblivion of wondering why everything had just befallen me. Maybe it was because I fell asleep doing QT the previous night.

No it was more than that - as I later confided with John - physical stress (tiredness), emotional stress (rather tricky this one) and academic stress (overload for the rather short Week 11 of school).

Thursday - the day before. Wanting to continue the art class ministry eventually ended up almost losing my mind over some unresolved matter. I ran off to the circular classroom where Mr Goh (my teacher for a week) has his math class - I ran there for it was dark, it was cold and metallic, glassy, and when you said anything, it echoed throughout. And know-wonder people have been saying that I'm getting very emo.

And I have decided to turn over a new leaf - thanks to much support from my fellow brothers and sisters beside me...aww thanks for the note on Saturday Kenneth, much appreciated and much love in return - though i know you hate that soppy stuff. That was my emotional first aid - ah...first aid, we did teach the Sec 2s first aid. And I had my dose of being a drill instructor :)

and thank God, who has been asking me to rest in Him. Though He feels so far away sometimes, oh Lord u made me a person dependent on senses and experience, and now you're teaching me not to rely on those senses - how painful, but how essential, be ever so real to me Lord!

Chamber chamber. I did enjoy it. But I was quite tired as well. and the music was rather therapeutic. Not a worthy critic, so silence is golden :)

work work. at least the hols will be busy.

Something Eternal

2007-03-07T20:47:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time. Regretably, I probably haven't done much for the past week - little witnessing, little serious talk about Christ with people - and I do feel a little guilty for having let God down. Two weeks ago we found ourselves at that fateful art lesson, tomorrow will be another similar day. For the past weeks, it's been sowing of seeds, and more seeds, and I've talked to many people - but haven't focused particularly on one.

Meanwhile - FireAC swells in size again - new faces appearing, and the new arrangement of a large circle serving to produce this rather encouraging trend. The focus has been love - God's love - which is greater than any human love, touching any heart with divine ease. I've realised His love for me, despite the weaknesses and shortcomings, despite my lack of passion (perhaps) in the past week. I really want God to work through me again.

I guess sometimes we tend to be a little hard on ourselves...just because we haven't accomplished anything gargantuan does not mean we haven't blessed others with the joy and love of the Lord. Our tiny little acts of kindness and love can go a long way.

JAE results came out. And great joy ensued as we realised all the BB people were staying. Still, there were some who could not remain, and for these people we prayed a prayer of comfort and of faith in the sovereignty of our Great Shepherd. I thank God greatly - overflowing - and overflowing yet again! Let me keep singing for You my Father! Neverending praise!

Why this is shaping up to be a joyful post :). It's been a long time too since a geniunely happy post - thankfully God has provided people alongside me during this time of need :). But even without these people, I guess He is more than enough for any one of us.

This is our call - to realise our Father's great love for every one of us. He made you just the way he wanted to - and you're perfect in His wonderful sight! all of you.

keep smiling :)

Teaser

2007-03-05T18:50:00.000+08:00

Unseen hands that fumbled below
Searched - and found that damned curse
Unseen tears that fought so hard
Fought to naught, struggled, distraught

Somewhere in that groping dark
Lies a child, a silhouette quickly disappearing
Forbidden, but his fingers wander in - then his body -
Confused, but passions ensue within

At last - Clothed with ecstasy, moans of intense glee!
Release - finally let loose - a butterfly set free.

But dreams too are fleeting - and he knows
he is no winged beauty.
Endless chasing
Unseen torment
Guilt.

If some day you were to venture
Past his closet doors, sneak a peek
Some fleshless smile would greet
Skeletons - there at your feet.

...

and after all the teasing, I wonder how many of us actually know his past, his painful past fraught with guilt and pains - and I wonder how many of us can truly understand - perhaps there is none - save for a Father I know from above. Those were trying times, and what came out of it was a dark but powerful testimony.

This is by no means an 'emo' post. Recall that Tim is almost always happy. :) no worries there. Just a fleeting thought. And perhaps 'Dead Poet's Society' has inspired me to more poetry - what powerful devices they are - and what rich outlets for unmeasurable emotions!

Meanwhile, despite certain thoughts and confusions, I thank God for His undying faithfulness. Kenneth commented on FireAC attendance rising a little - perhaps - numbers don't matter but, It is really encouraging :)

GAE - oops - edit: JAE tomorrow, perhaps we'll wait first, and write again once the flood of emotion arrives.

Sky Gazing

2007-03-04T14:47:00.000+08:00

-=Ten Minute Sky Poem=-
-John Tay/Benlee/Huang Zi/Tim-

Have you ever talked to the sky?
Gazed at the cool blue, watched the clouds go by
Drift to the heavens - thought of your fantasy guy
---
They tease, they play; You sigh and wonder why
If clouds could frolic all day
Then why not I?

-=A Dark Sky=-
-Tim- inspiration by Mr Charles Ng

The time was nigh
Descent of winged beasts
Ferocious, Devouring
On our livelihood they feast

Broken silence -
A sudden flurry
Unbroken darkness -
There was no hurry

No hurry

Leave us we plead
Haste off and go
Abandon us to mourning
But - alas - pharaoh said no.

...

Inside every one of us there is a poem just waiting to burst forth - we just need to unleash it, to unleash our emotions upon the literary world - to compose our thoughts and feelings into packets of poetry - ready to make an impact on other people's lives. Every poem like a compressed package of emotions - tagged as 'dangerous' - but delightful to peer into. Mixed emotions ensue.

And perhaps it's just these sudden attacks of emotions unleashed upon me - and I can't help but channel them into poetry - no matter how monstrous the result.

New line - 93206492 - (or expressed in my mind - )
93 - (first four numbers of an A.P) - 92 (aha! which makes it easy to remember!)

Well well. Math beckons. Memories of time spent (wasted) in the admin room yesterday trying to do work - but at least math was easier with the genius seated beside me.

(cries of 'how ironic!' but I'm ignoring...)

Inter Wing Games - adrenaline rush - water bags in hand - we went off. But I spent most of my time tying water bombs anyway - and ended off with a blistering blister! By virtue of the fact that we started the game slightly earlier and could run faster, we managed to secure all three bases and pretty much won the game from the beginning. It was quite well planned I guess, and everyone had a splendid time just bonding away.

Term 1 Week 10 already - and I'm starting to miss school ): We don't have much of school life left...

The Bin Speaks

2007-03-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

the problem being
filled to the brim
you - never knowing
mine, her or him?
you - never seeing
which belongs to
you - never noticing
the clutter building
up to the ceiling
rubbish is blinding -
it's all confusing.

and when it grips you.
it's just too late.

(cries of 'emo' - I hear you - but what can I say?)

everyone needs love, everyone needs compassion, and the kindness of our Saviour. when there's no one to turn to, we turn to Christ. I've been trying, but the intangibility of it is so tough to grapple with. Sometimes I just cry asking God to be more real in my life - I want to touch, I want to hear, I want to see - O how reliant we are on our senses!

I'm confused. But contented with hiding it. Let it be. Perhaps God will help me resolve this.
But till then. I'll try to remain happy. Bins must always be happy.

Founder's Day

2007-03-01T22:05:00.000+08:00

One. we really messed the marching up.
Two. beginning on the wrong beat of the drums.
Three. Handshakes with our dear opposition MP.
Four. Awards were received - and promptly lost - Language rooms maybe?
Five. Policy Papers must be completed...
Six. Girls in Boys' Brigade. Thanks for spicing us up :)
Seven. The only double-syllable number.
Eight. Finally ate lunch today - fasting was up
Nine. Hopefully we've learned some lessons from the fast.
Ten. Happy birthday ACS!

2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

This verse I recall fondly from the Fairfield Preaching Point 2005 camp - a strong affirmation of our identity in Christ - that of being born again. Of being a new creation in Christ, shedding our old selves and putting on the new robes of righteousness - O what a privilege to be saved!

I often think of butterflies - and butterflies emerging from their cocoons. Splendid array of colors! We'll keep it short this time. Let's be butterflies and show off the splendid grace of our Lord and King. As we flutter through the classroom corridors, may we be a testimony to his glory and grace! That new freedom and life that we have in Christ let us fully embrace and fully enjoy! Fly Away!

If I were a rainbow, I'd show my colors for You
If I were a songbird, I'd sing my song for You

So beautiful, such a miracle,
That You would give up heaven just for me
All I want to do is fall more and more in love with You
This world doesn't own me anymore
One thing that I do know for sure...

If I were a rainbow, I'd show my colors for You
If I were a songbird, I'd sing my song for You

If I were a butterfly, I'd flutter to the sky for You!

Jesus, be ever so real to me!

Soul Stealer

2007-02-28T18:51:00.000+08:00

"Can you talk about something else rather than schoolwork?"

And schoolwork drained me - I did go blind.
Recalling the distant days,
(had it been that far behind?)
When hope-filled hearts,
Melted icy corridors;
And passions echoed
Upward - through the IB floors

well. let's pray. and pray like never before.
a quote from Alistair: "Satan laughs at human wisdom...but trembles when we pray"
let's awake our first love.
let's rekindle the first fire.
and let's love Jesus again.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2007-02-25T22:04:00.000+08:00

-=Somewhere Over the Rainbow=-

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

...

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Dreams - that subconscious realm within every one of us - perhaps the window into our truest desires, our thoughts, our feelings, our experiences. I can't remember many dreams, but those that I have, I treasure up and relieve over and over. Good dreams. Thank God I have lots of them. Some too good to be true, some too absurd to be taken seriously, some so close yet so far.

And they used to torment me - nightmares - the supernatural - but I prayed - and God took care of me. Oh those times of innocent faith, simple childlikeness, bring me back again Lord. Help me relieve those days when every night a little child would come to you pleading for you to intervene in his dreams. When he would pray that you would guard the doors to his mind, fighting the evil ones off with the sword and shield - O the days when he saw you so mighty, so great, like a warrior prepared for battle.

And I recall that old lady, with her hand strumming away at the guitar, striking the guitar with a frail thump of her knuckles, every rattle, every repetition - a painful reminder of her state of mind. She strummed helplessly, when I held back, she beckoned again, I looked into her writhing eyes, smiled, and wanted to help, but only God could save a broken life.

And the songs, and the guitar, and the simple tunes to our Lord, echoing through the nursing home, bringing cheer - hopefully filling the empty hearts. There was joy, but it was coupled by a hollow sense of sorrow as well. I for one had the honor to sing, to smile, O Lord restore to me joy again.

And in the darkness of the night, stumbling upon a soul that had lost all faith, I tried to rekindle, I tried to help him reconsider, I prayed for him, but the call ended with a rushed exit - with that boys' parents fuming in the background. I pray God will open his heart, I pray God will open our hearts, I pray that God will come and live in everyone once again. He said his prayers were unanswered - and lost faith. O Lord, answer him please.

And me, recently, lost and not knowing where to go. Haven't heard God clearly for a long time, and still here on the computer lamenting this apparently lostness. You bad boy, go spend more time with your Father, He wants to speak to you, and here you are, distracted by the things of life, captivated by the gifts rather than the giver, not knowing how to delight in Him, not knowing what He's saying...why? I wish to be back with you again Father - not only back, but closer than before...

Dreams hardly come true though. But we always wish they did....sigh.

Art Class Inspiration

2007-02-24T19:43:00.000+08:00

And so on a brilliant Thursday, during a delightful hour twenty recess, two of us headed down to a rather precarious pack of Year Ones, engrossed in some rather profound negative space drawing. We hesitated for a moment - there was an urge to do something eternal - but was that it? We inched forward little by little, exchanging (customary) pats of assurance that it would be fine, eventually, John Tay made the first move to a young chap named Edison.

Edison craned his neck while he sketched the tree that stood in the middle of the two IB buildings, squinting, erasing, making superficial sketches - finally we struck up a conversation - he was a Buddhist, though not a staunch one, and John immediately saw the crack, the opening, and entered. I tried to tag along, but it wasn't long before two boys a distance away beckoned me with a wave of their pencils and stationery.

Quite surprised by their openness to us strangers, I skipped forward and asked what the matter was - this was met by a rather stumping question - not one one would expect from a Year One. What was an _____ (fill the blanks people)? Sensing the need to urge the Year Ones to more pure thoughts and more holy lives, I went into a conversation with Matthias and Louis.

It was quite fruitful, and many times I told them to be more serious in their faith - they even joked about not being Christian! At the end, there was a short prayer, and I pray that God touched their hearts that day - and led them to more godly lives :)

And it's simple things like these, pretty freaky and scary, but opportunities must be seized. Do look out for them, and do take them, and enjoy the warm feeling of having been used by God at the end of it :) God Bless all.

Love

2007-02-21T22:05:00.000+08:00

You're my brother so together
Now take me by the hand
Together we will work until He comes again
There's no foe that can defeat us
When we're walking side by side
As long as there is Love
We will Stand.

I love you still. I love you all still. I just wished I knew what to do. I just wished I knew how to be joyful once again. I just wished that God would tell me what to do. Why have I landed in such a position. Oh why?

Ghost Rider

2007-02-20T22:14:00.000+08:00

In retrospect, it got me thinking when we were chased out of the MRT station, while everyone was still in a half-state of sleep, trying to worship God in the morning - so much for worshiping in a public place.

In retrospect, it got me thinking when Fab left us on the wooden deck in VivoCity - I squatted in a corner with my guitar (in the classic 'emo pose') and thought. Perhaps it was too Pharisee-tical? Perhaps it was for show? What was it? And expectedly, I must say that it felt hard to worship this morning - strangely difficult - maybe God was telling us something.

And whilst in this pseudo state of reflection, I was immediately tossed into a dark cinema - watching scenes of Johnny transforming into burning skull and innocent victims being de-souled. It wasn't that bad a movie - but I was never a good critic - so don't take my word for it.

And yet again I was made fun of - my picture was broadcast - my soft spots were prodded. It wasn't painful - it was just strange - well at least it wasn't painful - I'm over those times. One day you'll all know - then you'll all understand....

meanwhile. How can I get deeper in love with God? How oh how? where is that crush?

(Happy) Chinese New Year

2007-02-20T00:18:00.000+08:00

I've told some before, Chinese New Year is no season of true festive joy - for me it's quite a season of pain - and possibly regret. In the midst of tidbits, hong baos and endless delights, there remains one void yet to be filled - there remains relational gaps, and lost souls - sigh.

Countless Chinese New Years have gone and past, collecting money just seems more and more meaningless every year - well I even had to be forced to count my money - faceless relatives, and so many people we can't even recognize, shaking unfamiliar hands, and putting on (false) smiles. I'm afraid I'm getting horribly disillusioned.

It's painful to see people you know you ought to be close to - but just aren't - it's equally painful to see relatives who haven't been saved yet - because we haven't done our part - what to do what to do?

And I try. I do try. But another CNY goes past - what have we done this year?

Come And Heal Our Land

2007-02-17T22:09:00.000+08:00

And by Kenneth's request, I decided to sing the song and record it. I thought my voice was really bad, people really have low standards when they say I sing well. Enjoy the guitar (not the voice...). And well, get the rough tune :) Chords are available through special request :) or you could try to decipher your own chords.

-=Come and Heal our Land=-

And by special special request: with harmony from Verse 2 onward...forgive the loud clicks. It's strange hearing two of me sing...

Come And Heal our Land (with harmony)

-=Break Up=-

right. God Bless all for the CNY weekend ahead :) have a delightful time :)

On a side note, the links for 'Shanghai Memories', 'Journey to Light' and 'Impromptu Goodbye' have been fixed. Enjoy :)

Six Weird Things About Me

2007-02-17T21:26:00.000+08:00

like you guys already don't know :)
And by the way, I choose to end the chain here, I shall not tag anymore victims. Maybe my charity shall be rewarded :P

THE RULES:

Each player of this game starts with the ‘6 weird things about you.’ People who get tagged need to write a post of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says ‘you are tagged’ in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

6 weird things about me:

I don't eat chocolate - no - brown stuff is bad - an idiosyncrasy if you ask me.
Irrational fear of lightning and thunder - camera flashes can take me off guard
Well (my friends think) I love to roll up those sleeves
I have a pet hippo whose yellow and wears a red ribbon - go figure
I needed a tray to contain all my academic awards. The presenter had to take a breath in between announcing the awards I won.
I had to choose these six things from a long list of weird things. :)

2 Chronicles 7:14

2007-02-16T23:57:00.000+08:00

Verse 1
Here we are Lord, waiting for your Holy Spirit
Here we are Lord, waiting for your Holy Fire
We have lost our first love, Lord have mercy on us all
Fill us again -

Chorus
Hear us when we cry out
Come and heal our Land
Forgive us of our sins and
Live in us again!

Verse 1
Create in us a clean heart, as we turn to seek Your face
Create in us a clean heart, please don't cast us from your presence
One thing we desire Lord, to dwell in your holy place forever
Take us again -

This short song was penned not too long ago, in an Admin Room not too far away. I had been feeling down, feeling defeated by the world, and I did lose my first love, did stray away from God. But God reminded me to delight in Him, and to enjoy Him only. And so I did, I wanted to get right with God again. I'm always reminded by the beautiful verses from which the inspiration for this song was taken from. Psalms 51, 2 Chronicles 7:14, Revelations 2, and more.

FireAC, time to move, time to get back on track, and start living for God again. The work piles on, but I will keep my sight on God.

P.S Sean. I will try to get that '6 weird things about me' post done, once I'm done picking the 6 items from my infinitely long list :P

Hear Our Praises

jukebox (:

moving house

four paos and three pratas

beautiful irony

fairytale land

to shannetta mists

chemistry

happy birthday

don't worry be happy

i need a shoulder too

re: fireac

people need the Lord

he knows my name (:

three balls

eighteen is a nice number

bin bin speaks again

boot laces

collide

400

red box

in pursuit of permanence

hide and seek

euthanasia

crashed

love

tears

when passions mount

to make a difference

beginnings

sequel

tooth fairy bites

running

underground operation

learning to rest

orange peel

heart, mind and soul

To God be the Glory

not to us, but to You be the glory

the fountain of youth

Father of the Fatherless

oceans will part

dangerously calm

hopskotch *skip*

itchy calamine lotion

fippo abduction

to those in the dumps

okazaki fragments

the colours of the wind

WOW Worship: Of Bibles and Bones

WOW Worship

Mailbox

Obstacles to Happiness

Mua Chee and Wa Chee

wait a minute Mr Postman

stay far please ):

Reminiscence

happysad moments (: ):

Transformed

The Everlasting Way

Squash and Slam

Closer than a Brother (:

Learning Loneliness

The fellowship of Koinonia

Piano in the Rain

a world without aeroplanes

cornflake cookies

Repentance

Your Grace is Enough

Praise You in This Storm :)

What Can I Do

You've Got Mail

Catharsis

Easter!

I Don't Know Already

Secret Book

Cold Turkey

Rocks in the Pond

What's In a Name?

Permanganates

hopskotch skip